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Lauren
Just Said Yes June 2021

moh just got engaged to my brother...

Lauren, on August 19, 2020 at 3:46 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15
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My fiance and I got engaged about 2 months ago and have set a date for next summer. My twin brother (who lives in the same city as me) just proposed to his girlfriend, who I have already asked to be my MOH. I had been told they *might* get engaged at the end of the year around the holidays, which I was comfortable with as it would have given my fiance and I 5-6 months to celebrate with family and friends and plan independent of them before it became a family affair. We are the only siblings and as you can imagine, quite competitive being twins and having to share every moment and milestone our entire lives has been really difficult for me. When I asked his girlfriend to be my MOH I assumed we'd have some time to plan my wedding together before transitioning over to hers. They now want to have their wedding immediately after ours in 2021, which means we're planning on the exact same timeline.

Of course I'm so happy for them, but can't help but feel disappointed and frustrated that now we're doing everything side by side and my fiance and I don't have this moment for ourselves. The entire year will now be about "the twins getting married" instead of a special and unique moment in my and my fiance's life specifically (which obviously it still is- just not ours alone.) Our family lives all over the country and will have to travel for the wedding, and I'm now concerned that not only is it inconsiderate to expect 2 back to back trips for a wedding in 2021, but not everyone may be able to come and may now have to choose which wedding they want to attend. I also now can't imagine why my MOH would even WANT to help plan and be involved with my wedding and continue to focus on ideas and plans for me, when she will need to plan her own, which will of course take up her attention and focus and excitement- as it should. She's too nice to back out but I'm worried she'll just continue out of obligation and I need to give her an out. I'm frustrated and hurt that my brother didn't communicate his plans to me and that this didn't even cross his mind as something that we might have concerns about. I don't see what good it would do to bring it up now and don't want to harm any relationships, so just feel that I have to get over it and fake my way through it. My parents don't seem to understand and think I should just be excited we get to "go through this together". I'm also frustrated at them that they didn't say anything to him in advance or help him realize this might have been something to consider and that maybe I want to experience this milestone myself.

Looking for honest feedback and advice on how to navigate this? I realize I may be acting slightly selfish, but also think my feelings are valid given how intertwined our relationships are.

15 Comments

Latest activity by Queen Cone, on August 22, 2020 at 6:14 AM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    So my husband’s best friend got engaged a month before we did and he said his date before we did. His date was literally one week before ours. I do admit that there were things they had to really be on point about because they were in each other’s wedding and so they had to really look at each other schedules. But at the end of the day I really don’t see it being much of an issue other than obviously the inconvenience towards your families that have to travel for both. I don’t feel like I would bring it up though just because I don’t know maybe they have their reasons for So my husband‘s best friend got engaged a month before we did and he said his date before we did. His date was literally one week before ours. I do admit that there were things they had to really be on point about because they were in each other’s wedding and so they had to really look at each other schedules. But at the end of the day I really don’t see it being much of an issue other than obviously the inconvenience towards your families that have to travel for both. I don’t feel like I would bring it up though just because I don’t know maybe they have their reasons for wanting that specific date. And you’ll definitely each have your moments to shine
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  • Angel
    Expert August 2020
    Angel ·
    • Flag

    I don't think you're acting selfish at all. This totally takes away from your moment, and your marriage. It will also make it hard on family who has to travel/take time off, and get gifts, etc. If they haven't booked a venue yet, I'd try to have a heart to heart with your brother and let him know what's bothering you and why you think they should push it back maybe a few months. Your reasoning is totally valid. I would be really upset if yet another thing had to involve my twin when it had my whole life. I'm so sorry and I wish I could offer better advice.

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  • Lauren
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Lauren ·
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    Thank you for at least helping me feel less crazy! My brother can be reallllly stubborn so I'm a little nervous but agree that a conversation needs to probably happen some point soon.. I don't want to be forever blamed for "preventing" them from their day, it's just a reality that logistics, timing, and family needs to be considered when planning an event like this, especially during Covid.

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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    I definitely understand your feelings. My brother-in-law proposed to his wife two days before my husband proposed to me. They planned their proposals separately. The plans were already in place by the time they told each other. My sister-in-law's mom already had her plane ticket to NJ and my family had already planned for time off to drive to NJ so plans couldn't really be changed. They got engaged on a Friday, my mother-in-law's 60th birthday party was on Saturday, and we got engaged Sunday. They both thought it would be a great idea to propose right around my mother-in-law's birthday party since everyone was traveling to NJ for the party. I knew my sister-in-law was being proposed to and she knew I was. The Tuesday before we got engaged my husband and I went to a baseball game. He kept making jokes about proposing there. I told him I didn't want to get engaged so close to his brother. I thought he knew this because I told him I didn't want to get engaged during the holidays because a ton of people get engaged then and I didn't want our engagement to be too close to a bunch of other people's. My husband almost called off the proposal because I told him I didn't want to get engaged around the same time as his brother. He called my mom and she convinced him to still go through with it because I would just be happy to get engaged. I was a wreck when I found out his brother was proposing. My husband and I had been together over three years whereas his brother and his wife were only together for a one and half years when they got engaged. However, I will admit I was still upset that we got engaged two days apart from his brother. When we got engaged, I specifically said I wanted to get married in September the following year. My brother-in-law and his wife were there when I said this. Not even two hours later, she messages me that they want to get married in September the following year. I was so upset. They ended up booking a venue for the very last day of August because the venue didn't have any dates in September. We changed our date to mid-July rather than the second week of September like I wanted. Our weddings were six weeks apart rather than the two they would've been had we gone with the date I originally wanted. There were other times throughout the planning process I felt like their wedding was competing with ours. My sister-in-law would constantly message me to ask my opinions on things. At one point, she was going to do the exact same colors as us even though she knew what colors we planned on having even before we got engaged. We then talked about changing colors, but she ended up changing her colors we went with our original colors. We also picked very similar wedding programs without realizing it and my brother-in-law was angry because he thought we stole his idea. I had picked out the programs long before his wife ever told me what they picked out so I definitely didn't copy. My mother-in-law also caused problems because she was telling them that our wedding would be so much better because we had more money to spend so his wife kept trying to out do us. It was a nightmare. I was very glad when the competing ended. My advice is to try to relax as much as possible. Trust me I know that's not easy.

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  • Leanne
    Super September 2020
    Leanne ·
    • Flag
    I would talk to your brother from a family logistics point of view, and tell him that you’re worried some out of town Family may not be able to attend both weddings if they are too close together. My sister got engaged two months after I did, and rushed and had her wedding two months later. Now here we are postponed and downsizing our wedding. I’ve made peace with it, I’m just saying I understand how you’re feeling.
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  • A
    Super October 2021
    Ashley ·
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    I can see the travel aspect being an issue for family members. I would definitely want the weddings spaced apart to make it easier for guests. Beyond that, though, they have just as much of a right to be planning and getting married as you do. A MOH isn’t supposed to help plan the wedding, either. Her job is to show up the day of the wedding wearing the agreed upon attire. She may hold the bouquet, fix the bride’s train, and sign the marriage license. Beyond that, everything is optional and up to the MOH.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    How " immediately" after your wedding are they planning to marry? A day, the next weekend, 2 weeks, a month?
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  • Caitlyn
    Dedicated October 2021
    Caitlyn ·
    • Flag

    There's a lot of good comments on here so I hope that you are able to use some of their advice! Maybe talking to him will help and you'll be able to work something out that suits both of your wants/needs without eithers feelings being hurt.

    I 100% would feel the same if I was in your position. My best friend of 10 years started dating my brother about 2 years ago and I was/am nervous that he could potentially propose before my FW and I get married. My fiance specifically waited to propse until after my older sister has gotten married because she knows how she can be. I hope he would do the same, or at least wait to get married until after we did. He's in the army so I though maybe they would get married so they can live together, but that ended up being unnecessary once he made Sargeant.

    Anywho, I can only imagine my feelings intensified by 1,000 if this situation was my twin. So just know that you 100% have the right to be feeling the way you do. I hope that it all works out for you and that you feel special on your BIG day, the days leading up to the wedding, and all the planning attention in between!

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  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    No one, including your brother, is obligated to schedule their lives around yours (with the exception of course of family or friends knowingly deciding on the same wedding date as yours). I don’t imagine that your brother had any intentions of taking away from your wedding or hurting your feelings. Notwithstanding this, I can definitely appreciate how you would be feeling right now because getting married is such a big moment in your life.

    I would have a chat to your brother and express your concerns about the weddings requiring family to take two trips and that it may be appropriate for him and his fiancé to push their wedding back a little bit for this reason. They might not agree necessarily, but I think this is the safest way you can try and get more of that gap without coming across the wrong way as being selfish in their eyes. Good luck!

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  • Tara
    VIP November 2016
    Tara ·
    • Flag

    This is a unique and difficult situation to be in. I can understand you wanting the spotlight on you and your fiance for a short while before having to share.. however, what I will say is try to see the good in the situation! Your day will still be yours.. obviously you share family and possibly some friends, but you'll have people part of or attending your wedding that are there for just you/your fiance and not your twin!! For some people, you will be the only engaged couple they know and they'll only be celebrating the two of you. And, even with their engagement and wedding shortly after yours, it doesn't diminish how special this time is for you and your fiance! Also, look at the brightside.. no one is more excited for and can really understand the wedding planning process better than another bride going through it herself! I would still recommend having all the big things on your own, dress shopping, food tasting, wedding shower, etc, but you can share in on some of the planning and excitement! You can browse together or look for cute little gifts for bridal party together or different things like that. I can't say I'd want to get married right after someone I know, let alone am related to, but maybe they just chose the date they did because it was the only thing that could work for their schedules?!

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  • Annika
    Expert November 2020
    Annika ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry you are feeling upset about this, I know I would if my brothers did the same thing. Thankfully they are all still in high/middle school lmao. My mom would definitely be more happy about their engagements than she is about mine (they are religious, im not family drama type stuff) Actually I did get upset because my cousin got very unexpectedly engaged in April this year and got married within 2 months (with no covid restrictions at all while I'm over here scrambling to figure out covid-friendly solutions) and my whole family was so happy for her and celebrated her while no one really cares about mine because I've left their church so they don't see my marriage as "real." Anyways I'm not sure any advice I have for you because no matter what you say they probably will just do their own thing anyways, but just know that your not alone in feeling this way about situations like yours.

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  • Cheryl
    Dedicated November 2021
    Cheryl ·
    • Flag

    Like a lot of posters, I certainly understand your feelings on the matter. I definitely understand wanting to be the center of attention surrounding your wedding. However, at this point, what's done is done. He can't unpropose. I would, though, have a talk with him about setting the wedding date and not making is so close to yours if for no other reason than to ease the burden on family members that may have to choose which wedding to attend if they were to be very close together. Ask him to imagine how HE might feel if he got wedding invitations to two out of town weddings that were close together. Would HE be able to travel for both or would he have to choose? Would he be ok if some family members chose to attend your wedding over his? I think if you really feel the need to talk to him about his wedding date, that should be your approach and not saying anything about your personal feelings of being slighted. Good luck

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  • Queen Cone
    Devoted September 2020
    Queen Cone ·
    • Flag
    Im dealing with something similar. weve been engaged for 10 months and now one month before the wedding his brother proposed to his gf. i wish he would have waited till after the wedding.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Why? Other than you, most people will be spending very little time thinking about your wedding. They have room in their thoughts to think, oh how nice for them, engaged, for five or ten minutes here and there, without taking anything
    from the attention you the wedding couple will get over the month. What about the brother's girlfriend? Why should she have her proposal and en- gagement put off months, because her Boyfriend's brother who has been engaged a long time has a fiance ( you) who wants to own whole sections of the year, no one else in family even getting engaged, until after she gets married? This is not all about what your FI's brother should have done. You are forgetting someone else, completely unrelated to either of you, would have what she wants postponed too. I hope it never works that way. People from large families would have to wait years to marry, if no engagements in the same family overlapped.
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  • Queen Cone
    Devoted September 2020
    Queen Cone ·
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    I wasnt talking to u thnx
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