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Expert December 2021

moh Help

Samantha, on August 1, 2021 at 6:34 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 20
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My MOH has been my best friend for a couple years now, but ever since we both moved (military) it's been a one-sided friendship. She used to keep in touch often but now I can't get her on the phone or to answer a text unless she wants dating advice or help with which guy she wants to go out with on certain days. She recently got divorced and has been dating a different guy every day (no judgement, her life is her own). She was supposed to be flying out to visit me this month for my birthday and to help with wedding stuff but told me she isn't coming due to "work stress". I sent her a MOH box I made since I couldn't give it to her in person, and I can't even get her on the phone to see if she liked to box or not. I made her a blanket in the velvet yarn she asked for, got her a monogrammed MOH tumbler, a Japanese kimono for getting ready in, MOH slippers for getting ready, and a Vera Bradley hot iron travel case. I spent so much time, energy, and money into this and she can't even answer a text or answer my calls. Ive tried talking to her a out how I'm feeling multiple times but I'm given excuses about work stress or missing her ex. I'm ready to cut off my friendship with her, and yet I'm confused. Should I cut off contact or keep holding on to her as a friend, who may not even show up to my wedding? She promised she'll be there and yet I'll go weeks-a couple months without hearing from her...

20 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on August 2, 2021 at 3:07 AM
  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
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    You can't cut her out of the wedding at this point. It would be a friendship ending move.

    It does sound like she's stressed, is she mentally OK? Maybe try looking at this like a "friend" problem not a wedding problem. Does she need support?

    If she gets the dress and shows up, she's in the wedding. If not, well you know where you stand. Pressuring her further might not have the effect you want.

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  • S
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
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    She hasn't helped with anything though. Her being my MOH is just a formality really. I've given her more than enough support and she goes to therapy. She hasn't bought her dress and can show up in whatever she wants as long as it's cocktail attire (which she's aware of).
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  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
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    MOH is meant to be an honour for them, not for you. They are under no obligation to help with planning anything. It is a formality for everyone, that's the point of it. It's to honour your nearest and dearest by having them stand with you at the ceremony. Her job is to show up sober in the requested attire and be in the photos.

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  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    Did you have a conversation about your expectations of her when you asked her to be a bridesmaid? It's really not her responsibility to help you with wedding stuff, unless she wants to. MOH is a title that you give to your bestie to tell her how much she means to you, not for the help she can provide. If your wedding is in December, she has plenty of time to get a dress. Honestly, between the move and her breakup, it sounds like she's going through a lot right now and probably is actually stressed and not using it as an excuse. If your friendship with her means something to you, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and just be a supportive friend.
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  • S
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
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    It's not even about wedding stuff or a stupid dress. She could come in a onesie and I wouldn't care. On a friendship level, she can't even respond to anything regarding calls and texts.
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  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    Is she usually like this? If not, it would be even more of a reason for me to not end the friendship. It sounds like she really could be going through something.
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  • S
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
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    She's always been a bit of a flake/can't make decisions without changing her mind every few seconds. It's one of the things I admire about her since she's so free-spirited.
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  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    So if she's always been like this, and you actually admire it about her, why would you want to end the friendship.


    Don't get me wrong, you need to do what's best for you, and if cutting this girl out of your life is what you need, then do it. But don't her lack of involvement in your wedding be the reason why.
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  • S
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
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    It's more-or-less the lack of reciprocated friendship than wedding help. I appreciate your advice though.
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  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    It really sounds like you set yourself up for disappointment. You know she’s flaky, why would she suddenly become a party planning type? I’d also assume being freshly divorced that the last thing she wants to get involved with or spend time planning is someone else’s wedding. She is stressed about work and missing her ex- be a friend first and a bride second. If you weren’t engaged, would you be viewing her with more empathy? Perhaps your priorities have gotten blurred.
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  • S
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
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    Usually when someone gives their word I trust it. Since she gave it for this, I figured this time would be different. We've discussed her being in our wedding long before her divorce was even finalized and a lot after it was said and done.. I don't have my priorities blurred. If she wants to do her, fine. But more than likely without our friendship anymore.
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  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    What did she give her word on that she hasn’t fulfilled? Because she didn’t pay for a flight to go visit for your bday during covid?
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  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
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    It's not realistic to expect her to change simply because you're getting married.

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  • S
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
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    Good grief, this is getting way out of control. I don't have to give every explicit detail about conversations, and her coming out for my birthday had other things tied along with it that are none of your concern. This is absurd.
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  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    Well, you posted that information to this forum asking for advice as to whether you should cut her off, so it makes sense that we need details to give the best advice. It does not seem you actually want third party opinions, so next time don’t ask for them.
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  • S
    Expert December 2021
    Samantha ·
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    Wow. Such great insight. Thank you so much.
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  • Jasmine E.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine E. ·
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    Since you've only been friends "a couple years," this sounds to me like a friendship that's not going to last. Military personnel get R&R days where she could reach out or even just text you to say hi during a bathroom break. (She shouldn't have said yes to being your MOH if she was truly too busy for it, but it's too late for that now.) Her messages are showing that her priorities are her job and her dating life, not your wedding.

    At this point, I think the best thing you can do is ask very directly, "Are you still going to be in my wedding and do you have your dress?" It takes literally TWO SECONDS to text someone back yes or no. If she won't even give two seconds of her time, she is not your friend. You deserve people in your wedding party who will support you and be an active part in your life. If she does say yes, I would still have a plan B ready in case she doesn't show up or to demote her to guest if she isn't prepared to fulfill the MOH role.

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  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
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    What do you mean by a plan B? If she doesn't come she doesn't come.

    What MOH role do you mean? What would warrant "demoting" her to guest?

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  • Jasmine E.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine E. ·
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    At minimum, the maid of honor usually stands for the pictures and the ceremony. So she may not be able to do that if she can't spare a few hours for the earlier events like the rehearsal. In that case, the rest of the wedding party may need to change places or rehearse walking without her. Also the bride may need to update her website or seating chart to reflect the fact that MOH won't be there. But the OP said she's more concerned about the friendship than the wedding. Someone who either ignores you or only talks about their own problems isn't being a good friend IMO. OP said she's worried it's becoming a one-sided friendship. Unfortunately, it seems like the wedding won't fix that.
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  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
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    Yes the role of MOH is to show up in requested attire, stand in the ceremony and for photos.

    I agree the wedding won't fix a failing friendship.

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