moh Has New Job and Won’t Commit to Wedding

I think, as disappointing as it is, it is very understandable that the demands of her livelihood need to take precedence over your wedding. Particularly with a recent, lengthy period of unemployment, she may feel particularly vulnerable. I don't think its reasonable to expect her to put her career in jeopardy for your wedding.


I can understand proceeding as though she wont be in the bridal party, but I don't understand why you would uninvite her.

I understand why you are upset. However, I also see her perspective. If she was unemployed for a while I can understand why she wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize her new job. I'm sure she cares for you deeply as a friend. Sure she could have told her employer upon her hiring that she would be unavailable for certain dates to travel, so while it sucks it is ultimately her decision. If her reason is that she is afraid of it damaging her work reputation then there's really not much you can do about it I'm afraid. I am going through a similar situation. If increased cost for others is a problem, I would gently tell her to not worry about going to bachelorette or anything, just to be there for the wedding. Your MOH doesn't have to be present at what society/social media says they should be a part of. Sometimes life doesn't work out like that. What matters is that she is your friend and will support you in any way that she can.

I wouldn't go so far as to uninvite her from the wedding entirely. Honestly the best thing that you can do is just be the bigger person. Tell her she's welcome to attend the wedding as a guest if she's in town, but make it clear that since she was uncertain she could make it you had to give her spot as the moh to someone that could for certain be there.

I think it would be wrong to tell her that she is uninvited. At the end of the day that is her job and her livelihood. She may not be able to request certain weekends off yet and given her unemployment history she needs to do what she can to keep her job. Telling her that can and probably will ruin your friendship.

I understand why you’re upset, but uninviting her from your wedding is drastic and sure to end the friendship.

Thank you. The difference is while she told me she wasn’t sure is that she’s an MoH in her childhood best friends wedding and she told her boss that she’s unavailable for that weekend which leaves me feeling extra hurt.

I can understand being upset on an emotional level, but it is beyond petty to actually uninvite her from the wedding. She has a life outside your one day party, and her job security is going to be much more important. Few people have the guts to ask for 2 weekends off when they first start a job. Unemployment is crippling for one's self esteem and bank account.


If payments are an issue for the bachelorette, it makes sense to tell her that you'll need to assume she can't make it. You're in or out. However, if you already have the hotel room, I presume it wouldn't make a logistical difference whether she joins last minute or not.
As for the wedding, I would have given her the option of stepping down as MOH and advised that you need to know by the RSVP date whether she's coming or not because you need a head count for your caterer. Uninviting a guest from a wedding, let alone kicking them out of your bridal party, is a friendship ending move. She could have broken the news to you less glib, but you're overreacting partly because of a bachelorette party.

View Quoted Comment I pretty much said “I’ll give you your money back for the bachelorette and relieve you of the burden of being in the bridal party.” I told her when she got the job to tell me whether she is still able to commit because I knew that her job and overall life is more important than my one day event. If she’s going to bail anyway I wanted to initiate that instead of waiting for her to work up the courage to say something.

View Quoted Comment That is really hurtful, but maybe she is closer to that friend and doesn't want to ask for too many days off as she just got the job. I wouldn't uninvite her, but I certainly wouldn't count on her either. I would tell her you need a definite answer before whenever your final guest count is due. If she can't give you a definite answer then I would kindly tell her that you can't afford to pay for someone that may or may not be able to attend.

Hi everyone. I learned today that it’s not that she can’t commit. It’s that the travel schedule is short notice (like 1-3 weeks in advance) and other people could cover for her if she asked for a day off. The thing Is, she doesn’t want to commit to the wedding or the bachelorette party until she knows that there isn’t an opportunity to travel. So essentially, she doesn’t work weekends (i have a weekend bach and wedding) unless there’s travel. If she asks for a day off for my wedding that she’s MOH at, she risks missing an opportunity to travel. AI(still)TA for being mad?

She has her priorities straight. She was unemployed for much of a near. She needs this job. People in their first year or two most often cannot rearrange business trips to go to another person's wedding or social event. Your marriage is a very important thing. For you, and your family. But your wedding, and your bachelorette, do not matter at all to an outside business. She knows the politics of her workplace, and if she likes the job and wants to keep it, she is doing the right thing. As a friend, you should support her keeping the job. That is real life, her future. Not to mention back bills. ... Her life security, finances, job matter. She is not blowing you off in any casual way. Meanwhile, you stepped outside standard social etiquette, and planned a party you wanted, in your own order. This is not a gift others planned for you. You are the hostess. You pay the bills. It is considered rude to plan something for your wants, be the hostess, and expect others to pay, in all social functions, dinners, or trips, and this is no different.
Brides are not exempt from usual manners standards.
I think you do not have your priorities straight. She owes nothing . The time to shop for BM attire is usually in the last 4 months, Dec on, and by then she had applied. She did the right thing. Be gracious. It is fine to have her out of the wedding party, since she cannot guarantee coming. And after a long unemployment, she likely has bills to pay, and cannot afford extras like a dress worn once, and parties. Still, she is a friend. Invite her to attend as a guest. She will have to RSVP like everyone else. But her business travel schedule may not be available yet. Why be mad at her?

View Quoted Comment Thank you for commenting. I did not want the burden of the expenses to be on an unemployed MoH. So instead of putting the onus on her to find a place and coordinate the party i did that at a price point that everyone was financially able to afford.


The second part of the story is that there are plenty of people who can go in her stead to these different out of country events. The fact of the matter is NOW she won’t commit to the wedding because she’s afraid if she does then she won’t get to travel. She is not obligated to travel. These trips are open to people in her work group and if people are avaialble then they can go. Her job security is not at stake. She is simply shirking her responsibilities and commitment as MOH to go travel with colleagues.

View Quoted Comment It is not a required “business trip.” She’s choosing to travel instead of attend a birthday, bachelorette party and wedding.
Moreover the bachelorette party is in a location closest to HER. It’s in Fort Lauderdale Florida. She lives in Miami. Every other person in the party is traveling from out of state (including me, from Seattle) to be at the event. Understand that the attendees asked me what I wanted and since she as an unemployed person said she’s too busy applying to jobs to coordinate it, that I took the reigns and said hey, this is where we can go. We aren’t bar hopping. We aren’t doing anything expensive. It’s super mindful of cost, and we will be cooking in the accommodations instead of going out. Everyone was aware of the price point and plans were adjusted based on what was affordable for EVERYONE. She has literally the lowest financial obligation of any of the attendees. For her to say that hey, I’d rather wait and see if there’s a travel opportunity the weekend of your marriage instead of honoring my commitment to you is, in my opinion, exceptionally bad form.