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Savvy September 2019

moh dilemma

Steph, on May 26, 2019 at 1:40 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6

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This isn’t totally wedding related, but I can’t really vent to the people I normally do about this and my mom and fiancé think I’m a sucker. I am only having two girls in my bridal party and they are sharing the titles of maid/matron of honor. My cousin (maid of honor) doesn’t have a lot of money so before asking her to be in the wedding I told her if it’s too much she can say no. She told me she’d make it work. Flash forward, my aunt paid for her dress from David’s and she isn’t coming to my bachelorette because she can’t afford it so I mentioned a local dinner with everyone who can’t make it and she was game for that. I just had my shower last weekend and just from what I’ve heard from my mom and such, my cousin didn’t do too much for the shower and what she did do she kinda went against the plan. At the shower, she was also starting to get an attitude with a lot of people for no real reason. (Someone was in her chair so rather than get another chair she hovered over the table and I could tell by her face she was mad). She was also upset that everyone was coming up to my matron of honor to thank her for the shower and not my cousin. I tried to stay out of it and was thinking of casually mentioning it to my cousin to prevent any issues like this at the wedding, but my fiancé said it’s not a good idea.

Now today she text me to ask me to borrow money to fix her car. It wasn’t a lot of money, but I felt bad saying no since my shower was last week and all so I lent it to her. My mom and fiancé aren’t happy and they don’t think she will pay me back next month when she said she would. I’m just kinda lost and feel a little taken advantage of because I’m doing as much as I can to make sure my bridal party didn’t have to spend a lot of money and here I am paying for more things. I’m not sure what to do? Any advice or anyone ever in a similar situation?

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Emily, on May 27, 2019 at 8:55 PM

Super October 2017
Emily · on May 26, 2019 at 5:33 PM
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It seems like what you're paying for is the money you lent her?
It sounds like you're trying to be thoughtful of her situation and that's good. It's nice to hear a bride who understands that their wedding isn't the primary financial concern for their bridal party. I'm sorry that she was acting strange at the shower, but I would guess she probably feels badly about her inability to contribute what she would like to and that, unfortunately, came out in her actions. It's not an excuse, but I find if I can understand what someone's motivations may be it helps me to change how I feel about it - especially when its not really about me at all.
Your family shouldn't have bothered you with how she did or did not participate in the shower. I would start by asking that they please talk with her about concerns they have about her level of involvement.
It's up to you if you want to lend her money for something unrelated or not. I don't know if you have done this before and whether or not she paid you back, but overall, if you are going to lend someone money, that is your call. I probably would have ran it by my fiance while we were planning a wedding if it was more than $100, but I'm not sure what your financial dynamic is in your relationship.
It sounds like the people in your life are frustrated with your cousin and are judging her based on that. How do YOU feel about it? How does it or does it not relate to your wedding and what do YOU think about that?
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on May 26, 2019 at 7:40 PM
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Frankly, your cousin is a total flake. For the sake of your sanity, please stop catering to her! It seems like she is used to taking and not repaying kindness. She clearly lied about making it work financially, as she keeps leeching off of others. Your cousin needs to grow up and learn to take more responsibility for herself!
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on May 26, 2019 at 8:10 PM
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As a wedding party member she doesn't need to attend a bachelorette party or shower, or plan or host either, so it's fine that she can't attend your bachelorette party and wasn't able to have much involvement in putting on your shower. All of the stuff about her behavior at your shower is petty stuff that you should definitely not talk to her about. All she needs is a dress and she has that; it doesn't matter that her mother paid for the dress for her. You knew going in that she was not in a good financial situation, so none of this should be a shock.
Her borrowing money for car repairs has nothing to do with your wedding. You chose to say yes; clearly your mother and fiancé disagree with your choice, and you feel uncomfortable with it, but whether you feel uncomfortable because of your choice or because of their reaction and judgment of your cousin is unclear to me. Either way, it's immaterial to your cousin's role in your wedding and has nothing at all to do with her being your MOH. Decide whether this is something that you're comfortable doing in the future, maybe based on whether she pays you back on time or not or maybe based on you and your FI's discomfort, and then stick to that if/when she asks again.
This is not a MOH dilemma. She has her dress, she's planning on attending the alternative-bachelorette dinner, she attended your shower and even helped out a little (and they shouldn't be involving you in discussions about planning your shower and gossip about who did what or if they did it well enough). She's doing fine. All she really needs to do as a wedding party member is get the dress and show up at the wedding, and she's well on her way to doing that.
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Savvy September 2019
Steph · on May 26, 2019 at 8:45 PM
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I know she just ‘needs to show up’, but when she does it doesn’t seem like she’s really there. I will admit I’ve involved myself in shower discussion, but that’s more because I feel bad that a lot of the financial obligations are falling on my matron of honor and she isn’t gossiping, she’s been good about not saying a word about it falling on her. I got intel from my mom and also just people coming up to me or my fiancé after the shower asking who the girl with the puss on her face was. Our whole lives it’s kinda been like this that when something good happens for me I’m always treading lightly as to not upset her. I’ve foot the bill for little things and although it’s not wedding related I do feel like asking me for money put me in a weird predicament. I felt bad to say no because again the shower was last week and she knows what gifts I got so she knows I can manage a $100. I felt like it would have made me look like a jerk to say no. I knew straight off the bat that my mom and fiancé wouldn’t be on board with it because situations like this tend to be a strain on our relationship before (I lent another family member money and it was a larger amount and took me a while to get it back). I don’t know I just feel bad for feeling bad about this whole thing if that makes sense. Especially when she’s been in other weddings and have done more or she’s going to concerts or the bars on the weekends.
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Savvy September 2019
Steph · on May 26, 2019 at 8:55 PM
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We are wearing sneakers so I got them converse, which they can wear again, and I’m paying for their makeup. I know most people will say that I’m supposed to pay for hair/makeup, but every wedding I’ve been in it’s always been the bridal parties responsibility. I only asked that they pay tip because I wanted to be able to get them a little something small for the wedding day. So in addition to that stuff, I lent her the money for her car. My fiancé and I keep our finances separate, pretty much because I do things like this and lend family money because I feel bad to say no.

I involved myself in the shower discussion because I guess I was just hoping she’d be more involved instead of just kinda being pissy with everyone. I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to feel. I’m a people pleaser so I actually started to cry a little for being put in this situation. If I say no would she get mad at me? I don’t know what would make the situation more awkward.
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Super October 2017
Emily · on May 27, 2019 at 8:55 PM
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You only have to pay for hair and makeup if you are requiring they have it done. I'm terrible at doing my hair but can do my own makeup so usually when I'm in a wedding I pay for my hair myself but do my own makeup. I think it's very kind of you to pay for that, but if that's your choice, you cannot hold that against her.
As far as lending her money, that is up to you to decide how to handle this moving forward. If you feel obligated or worry people would get mad at you for the not loaning them money, then I would seek some counseling so you can figure out what the root of that feeling is and how to stand up for yourself. If you find yourself in this situation a lot it may be because people know you will give in. If this causes you stress, or causes stress in your relationship, it's time to evaluate that. But again, this is on you and your behavior patterns and not on her. It's not cool of her to take advantage of you if that's what happened here, but when you let people take advantage of you, you have to expect it to happen.
I wanted a lot of people to be more involved in my wedding. It just doesn'a happen sometimes and for very valid reasons. It doesn't take away from your day and it doesn't take away from your events, not unless you let it.
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