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Just Said Yes March 2020

Moh Debate

Katie, on May 20, 2019 at 6:52 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 8

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I need y’all’s advice. I’m trying to decide between 2 friends for my maid of honor. (We are only looking at 3 attendants each, so I don’t want to do co maids and leave 1 person out)

Friend 1: known for 15?ish years. Grew up together and went to college together. Roomed together for 2 years of college. For a lot of the time starting in college, I felt like I was almost her mom. I hated it, but it was things like taking vital medication and me always taking care of her at my mental health expense but her not wanting to sacrifice to help me when I needed it. (Went into her room and shut the door to watch a movie when my mom was helping me move out one semester while I had a sprained ankle and we were on the 3rd floor with no elevator) She’s gotten better. But lately I feel like she only makes talking to me (replying to a text) a priority if she thinks it’s about my relationship. I love her like a sister, but I’m not sure if I can rely on her to help with my wedding stuff if it isn’t extremely convenient for her. We met for dinner last week (first time I’ve seen her since December and we only live 30 min apart) and she brought up MoH. “I mean, I don’t have to be your maid of honor, but I want to be” I went with the “we’re just enjoying being engaged for a while” line.

Friend 2: known for 5 years. Met at work, but got very close outside of work too. I was in her wedding a couple of years ago. She watches my cat for me (and vise versa) She’s my neighbor and I know she will help as much as she can. She has some medical limitations and schedule limitations, but she has already promised to help no matter what role I need that to be.

Ergh..... I’m leaning toward friend 2, but when I mentioned this to my parents (it came up in conversations with them individually) Dad's immediate response was that I’ve known Friend 1 longer by far. Mom said the same thing, but also asked who had been a better friend in recent (3-5) years.

Help? I don’t want to lose a friend over this! I also don’t want to feel like I need to mother my maid of honor!

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Katie, on May 22, 2019 at 11:15 PM

Master October 2020
Mandi · on May 20, 2019 at 7:01 PM
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No. Pick the more reliable one.

Less of a headache in the long run.
Or dont pick one. You dont really have to name a MOH, do you?
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Champion December 2017
earias · on May 20, 2019 at 7:36 PM
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You don't need a MOH. I had 3 BMs and no MOH because I didn't want to pick one over the other. Also, if you do decide to pick a MOH, you should base your decision on who is the dearest to you, not on how they can help you. No one should help you plan your wedding except your partner and a planner that you hire.
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Expert October 2019
Rachael · on May 20, 2019 at 7:55 PM
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Go with the friend who has been truly there for you. Your MoH should be someone you can lean on for help throughout this whole process
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on May 20, 2019 at 8:12 PM
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As others said, you don't need a MOH. However, I would go with the more responsible one. My MOH is the one I've known the least amount of time (10 years as opposed to about 17) but she is more responsible than the others and we've been closer in recent years. My childhood friends are happy to be bridesmaids and I haven't noticed any animosity. I'm so glad I picked who I did because she has been a dream throughout the whole planning process.
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Devoted September 2019
Sara · on May 21, 2019 at 1:42 PM
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I would pick the more responsible one, too. She also sounds like she's been a better friend to you lately anyway. Not to do stuff for you, but to be there for you. Is Friend 2 as psyched about your wedding as you are? Would she be the one who WANTS to browse through wedding magazines, go look at invitation stationery and scope out venues with you?
That all being said, you don't have to be a MOH to help do MOH duties. I was my BFF's bridesmaid and her sister was her MOH. Well, her sister lives halfway across the country, so I led the other bridesmaids in getting all the MOH stuff done. So if Friend 1 WANTS to help, she certainly can. I'm sure whoever you pick as MOH will be happy to have help from the other.
My MOH is my BFF, but she won't be doing much traditional MOH stuff since, uh, she's giving birth to her very first kid three months before my wedding. So my other attendant (my best guy friend) and I will probably do most of the bachelorette planning and such. But having my MOH there on my big day is what will make her being my MOH special.
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Devoted May 2020
Bride2020 · on May 21, 2019 at 2:03 PM
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The more reliable one. You will most likely just feel let down if not. Plus it's who you are leaning towards. Your parents do not pick your maid of honor, you do. While you don't need a maid of honor, it sounds like this friend will be doing the most no matter what, and it's nice to really give her that title. Will she be taking the lead on the planning? Will she be helping organize your extra parties? Will she be going the extra mile without asking? I would be sad if I was doing all of that for a friend, and had two other people clearly do less, but they didn't give anyone the maid of honor title. Not doing a maid of honor is for when all of your friends are like that and you can't choose because they all are invested.
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Dedicated September 2019
Kelsey · on May 21, 2019 at 4:35 PM
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Honestly, based on your descriptions of them, it feels like you've already made your decision and just want to be supported in your decision.
For what it's worth, I have two sisters and two women that I consider my best friends. One of them I've been friends with since high school, the other only for about two years. But the second friend and I are very close, and she's got a lot more experience with weddings and will be a better MOH, so she's who I chose. Not just that, but I'm not having any bridesmaids at all. She will be the only one standing with me. My other best friend was very understanding and said "I just want to be there for your special day, and I'll do whatever you want me to do, even if it's just be there."
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Just Said Yes March 2020
Katie · on May 22, 2019 at 11:15 PM
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Thank you all for the advise. I basically had a small breakdown Monday night over this. My FH is already asking his groomsmen and best man, and I feel like I should be doing that too. I’ve decided to wait a bit and let myself calm down from the excitement of getting engaged and the sudden stress of realizing how much I need to plan in 10 months. Then (maybe) I’ll actually be able to make this decision without ending up sitting in the floor, holding my cat, rocking slightly, and sobbing.
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