moh concerns

I think that your expectations of your MOH are unrealistic. Your MOH should be the person that you're closest to, does that all of a sudden change and she should be demoted because she doesn't have the time to throw you parties that aren't really her responsibility? I suppose it makes it a little better that you were up front about your expectations, but I can't imagine damaging our relationship and demoting my closest friend for not throwing me parties or planning my wedding.

In short, yes, you’re being out of line. I assume you chose your FSIL to be your MOH as she’s the closest woman to you. This is a high honor and should not be dependent on her ability and willingness to help with your wedding tasks. Demoting someone is typically a relationship altering (if not relationship ending) move. Your frustration that you feel about her saying she’d help out and then her not following through is valid. You’re absolutely allowed to feel what you feel. However, if she’s busy with work and other life stressors (which many people are even before we added the pandemic into the mix), she’s allowed to not help with your wedding without fear of being demoted. I would recommend tempering your expectations of what she “needs to do”. Remember, while media tells us one thing, the only thing our wedding party needs to do is show up in the chosen outfit on the wedding day. Everything else is extra.

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Thanks for explaining! I think my frustration comes from seeing her going out and getting drunk several nights a week and then blowing me off at the last minute, and feeling frustrated by that. I haven't been in a wedding before and I had asked around as to what I should even expect (because obviously I didn't know what to expect before the wedding) and was told by everyone I asked in my social circle / family that it's expected that the MOH help plan bridal shower / bach party (I didn't have a bach party because of COVID).

Thanks for sharing your thoughts ~

Honestly I think that’s a lot for a 19-20 year old. I was just learning how to take care of myself, was broke and trying to get through college classes and my part time job at that point. Just attending a wedding would have been a lot for me let alone doing so much planning for one.

View Quoted Comment Agree with everything stated here! I would not demote her just because she’s busy and may be overwhelmed. See if the other bridesmaids can help her out with some of the shower planning. It’s a team effort, right? It is still a distinct role for her as you may have her hold your bouquet during the ceremony and bustle your dress for the reception.

View Quoted Comment One of my favorite pieces of advice is that while your wedding day is one of the most important days of your life, for everyone else, it’s just another day. Yes, they’ll be happy for you, but their lives won’t be consumed by the day like yours is (how can yours not be when you’ve spent so much time planning!). Like Mrs. S said above, it sounds like she’s behaving like a typical young adult. Her flakiness is irritating for sure (I’m annoyed when someone has a history of flaking), but please don’t take that as an excuse to demote her. Be annoyed with her when she doesn’t follow through (as I’m sure you would be even if it wasn’t in relation to your wedding), temper your expectations of her, and leave her in the role of MOH. I bet your relationship will be better for it (because after all this, she’s family, and I would hate for your once close relationship to be ruined or tarnished over one single day, no matter how special the day is).

I definitely agree with Caytlyn and Nicole. I would cut her some slack and adjust your expectations of what a MOH is supposed to do.

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People here will tell you not to expect anyone to throw you a party, and while that's true, it's generally expected that your bridal party/mom/MOH/etc. will want to throw you a shower, bach, etc. I don't think having a "soft expectation" that you'll have these events is out of line.

Where you went wrong is picking this girl to be your MOH. She's 19/20/somewhere around there, and your fiance's sister. I wouldn't be surprised if she's never even been a bridesmaid before, let alone someone's MOH...she's probably just not there in her life enough to handle this role the way you want her to. And there's probably somewhat of a disconnect with her being your fiance's sister, not yours. I think a close female from "your side" would probably be a better fit for this role.

I agree with everyone else that your initial expectations were way too much, for several reasons. But that doesn't really matter now since you can't change the past. What matters is how you handle this and how you treat you MOH going forward. If you want to maintain your relationship with your FSIL, then I think you should stop worrying about what you think she should be doing and just accept her for who she is/what she is doing.

Enjoy the rest of your planning and rely on your future spouse for any tasks that need doing ("just basic planning type stuff, decorations / crafting"). Gratefully accept any parties thrown by other people (anyone can throw you a bachelorette or bridal shower) or, if no one wants to/is able to throw you a party, that's OK, too. Your wedding is the focus and can still be great, even without all that other stuff.

I think you are expecting way too much from anyone especially someone so young. I understand that her behavior is frustrating, but she is behaving like a typical 19 year old. It is not anyone's responsibility to plan a wedding except for the two people getting married. If someone offers to help that is one thing, but otherwise I would never expect or tell someone they have to do x, y and z if they want to be your maid of honor otherwise you will demote them. Someone should be your maid of honor because they are closest person to you. Not because of what they can and can't do for you. When I was 19, I had two part time jobs and was going to college so I never would've had the time to dedicate to being a maid of honor with the expectations that you've set. As for the shoes, maybe she didn't have the money. Right now a lot of people are out of jobs (myself included) so money is tight. Given that she is so young, money tends to be tight at that age even without the pandemic. Also, I never would insist on someone wearing a certain pair of shoes unless I was paying for them myself. I think it is fine to say you want her to wear a certain color, but once you start dictating style or an exact shoe I think you've crossed the line because not everyone has the money to purchase new shoes and not everyone is comfortable in whatever shoes you've selected. My advice is to reevaluate your expectations and don't demote her.

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Hi Veronica! When I asked her, I asked her if she would be able to help with either bachelorette weekend (didn't have one due to COVID) / bridal shower and she was excited to help at the time but hasn't followed through on, which is what I am most frustrated with. She does work but doesn't go to school and hasn't been laid off at all. I did give her several options of shoes because I wanted everyone to have something they would be comfortable in (I think like, over 5 different styles that I liked) and offered to pay for them as well if she would pick a style and a size I did the same thing for another bridesmaid of mine and paid for them because of her situation too.

After reflecting more and reading responses, I think my frustration is with she did say she would do (and not begrudgingly, but was excited to do it) but just has not followed through with anything. I suppose I have forgotten a bit that she is 20 and that I am probably expecting too much for her age / abilities.

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Unfortunately, I think she probably got caught up in the excitement of being asked to be your maid of honor that she didn't realize just what you were asking/expecting. My sister was my maid of honor and she was twenty-one. I didn't expect anything from her for several reasons 1. she's bad with money, 2. she dropped out of being maid of honor in my brother's wedding, 3. she tends to be self-centered, and 4. I didn't feel it was anyone's responsibility to plan my wedding aside from me and my husband. My brother and his wife got married at eighteen and nineteen. They both knew that they wanted to get married, but had no idea how to plan a wedding so my mom and I planned pretty much their entire wedding. I don't think someone so young understands just how to plan a wedding or other wedding related events. My husband's sister, who was one of my bridesmaids, helped me a lot, but she offered. I never expected her help, but she normally called me once a week to check in and see what if anything I needed or wanted her to do. I only ever asked for her help when she insisted because I didn't want to burden her. She used to work for a wedding planning company, she has been a bridesmaids more times than I can count, and she's in her thirty's so she had a much better understanding of what goes into planning a wedding than someone so young.

As for the shoes, I doesn't sound like she has a very good excuse for not getting them. If it makes you feel any better, my sister waited until a week before the wedding to get her dress altered. She called me upset because she hated how she looked and didn't want to wear the dress or be in any photos so literally six days before my wedding I went to David's Bridal which is where all of my bridesmaids dresses came from and I found a different dress in the same color in her size that I bought and had mailed to her overnight. She had it altered, but then managed to burn the bottom of the dress when she attempted to throw a cigarette out her car window and instead of going out the window it landed in the backseat on the dress. This happened the night before the wedding on her way to our rehearsal dinner so not much could be done. My husband's sister used pins to hide the burn mark. So needless to say things can definitely be worse.

Contrary to what some other people have said, I don't think that your expectations of the MOH role are too much. I expect the same thing form my MOH. But I think that varies among cultures, families, etc. However, I do think that the MOH role is a lot for someone who is 19/20. Being in a wedding costs money, time and energy, especially in the MOH role. I think a better move may have been to see if the other bridesmaids can help with these things because it shouldn't all fall on her in the first place. They're supposed to be helping as well.