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VIP January 2019

moh and bridal shower.

Heather, on July 14, 2018 at 5:11 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17

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So, my moh is one of my best friends, and is also a guy. So he is new to the whole being a bridesmaid thing. He is a great person, and I couldn't ask for a better, more supportive MOH. He is planning my bachelorette party, went dress shopping with me (and was a rock star in helping me) and has been a sounding board every time I need one. He recently asked if there was anything else he should do.
My dilemma is this. Someone else has offered to host a shower, because they figured he may not know about them. I don't want to tell him that MOHs have been known to throw showers because I don't want it to seem like I am asking him to throw me one. I am not. I also don't want him to be hurt if someone else throws it for me and then he feels he failed somehow. He is super excited, and loving being the perfect MOH, and if he thought he was supposed to throw it, he would be heartbroken. What do I do?

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Latest activity by Amarriedmann, on July 17, 2018 at 12:03 AM

Master June 2016
Sarah · on July 14, 2018 at 5:13 PM
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Well the MOH doesn’t ever have to host the shower. I don’t think I’ve ever been to one that’s been solely hosted by a MOH actually. Just add him to the guest list for the person hosting and let him know you’d love to have him there to celebrate with you.
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Devoted August 2018
Jillian · on July 14, 2018 at 5:17 PM
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You could ask him if it's okay with him. Or you can have 2 showers.
But maybe dont act like youre hiding the fact that MOHs usually do- present it as someone else offered, is that okay? Have him help/ give ideas but not be totally in charge?
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VIP September 2018
rica · on July 14, 2018 at 5:19 PM
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My MOH is throwing my bachelorette party and helping with so much planning. But my aunt planned my shower and MOH just helped her! Nothing says the MOH has to do it. He can always volunteer to help the host.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on July 14, 2018 at 5:41 PM
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There’s no dilemma. There’s nothing he needs to do surrounding your shower. Anyone can host this, this is not exclusively MOH duty. Someone else has offered to host, just accept and go forward with that. In my family it’s usually a godmother or an aunt that hosts the shower.
He can offer to help the host or you can offer to involve him if he wants, but there’s no “he’s supposed to do this”
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VIP January 2019
Heather · on July 14, 2018 at 5:47 PM
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This helps. My main concern is if I say nothing and he learns that any MOH ever has hosted a bridal shower before, he will feel bad. He truly wants to do everything and is having such a great time doing all of this.
It isn't about he doesn't have to with him, it is about he wants to.
I would be fine with him hosting, he hosts amazing parties. But I do not want to ask him to host. I feel caught because I know if he knew he would jump at doing it, but I don't want to be the one to tell him, and there really isn't anyone else to tell him.
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VIP January 2019
Heather · on July 14, 2018 at 5:49 PM
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It isn't about he's supposed to. It is about he wants to do everything, but doesn't know about this. And I don't want to do anything that could hurt his feelings. Just accepting someone else's offer could hurt his feelings
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Champion December 2017
earias · on July 14, 2018 at 5:57 PM
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This isn't meant to sound harsh but if he really wanted to know what bridesmaids and MOHs do there are lots of books and articles online that discuss this. He doesn't need anyone to tell him. He can Google it. Even so, these activities are optional and initiated by the person interested in hosting an activity. I would just let him know that someone wants to host you a shower and leave it at that. If that triggers him asking questions on how he can be involved then put him in touch with the person hosting the shower.
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Dedicated January 2019
SwanSquared · on July 14, 2018 at 7:05 PM
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You can have him and the person who wants to throw it work together to throw the shower.
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VIP January 2019
Heather · on July 14, 2018 at 7:05 PM
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It sounds as harsh as you meant it to.
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VIP January 2019
Heather · on July 14, 2018 at 7:08 PM
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I was thinking about that, but not sure how to go about it since they have never met. Should I mention it to her, and give her his number, mention it to him, or host both of them over for a game night and introduce them? I am just not sure the best way forward.
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VIP December 2018
Casey · on July 14, 2018 at 7:12 PM
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In my circles the mom or family usually hosts the showers, not the MOH. If someone else is offering I’d let them!
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Expert August 2018
Mrs. Mecking · on July 14, 2018 at 7:17 PM
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In my family it’s normally a family member (mom or sister) that throw the bridal shower. My mom is hosting my shower.
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on July 14, 2018 at 7:22 PM
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Give the friend who offered the shower his number she can contact him and see if he would like to help her plan everything.
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Master August 2019
Tpatb · on July 14, 2018 at 8:14 PM
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Just ask the person throwing it if it is okay to help & if they say yes just tell him one is already being thrown, but they would appreciate his help. If not, just have him come as a guest..problem solved. He doesn’t have to do every single thing.
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Expert June 2019
Amarriedmann · on July 14, 2018 at 8:18 PM
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You are right. He should hear it from you but otherwise you’re overthinking this. Next time bachelorette comes up, say “Oh guess what? Sue offered to throw a bridal shower. Isn’t that sweet? I’m actually looking forward to US two having so much fun!” That way he’s off the hook, and you’ve reminded him that he’s a dear friend first.

If he asks about helping, assure him he’s under no obligation to do anything but if he insists, tell him you’ll get him in contact with Sue. Check with Sue ahead of time to make sure she won’t mind the help. If it turns out she doesn’t want help, just deflect and reiterate to MOH that you’re looking forward to having him by your side as a relaxed guest rather than taking on another task.
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VIP January 2019
Heather · on July 15, 2018 at 12:23 AM
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Thank you. You are right, I probably am over thinking this. I kind of got myself in a loop in my head, I think. But I like your suggestions on how to approach it, which I think won't result in any hurt feelings. Thanks again!
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Expert June 2019
Amarriedmann · on July 17, 2018 at 12:03 AM
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It can be very emotionally draining having someone you love that wants to DO everything but also has the tendency to be thin-skinned. They can sometimes perceive your concern for them overextending themselves as a slight or rejection of their efforts. I have several in my family like this. Hope it all works out!
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