Mob tough love

...how old is literally everyone involved with this...? He sounds incredibly controlling which could become abusive. I'd be talking to my kid about why you won't just not be paying for the wedding, but why she should not be with this person.

I agree with PP. they sound super young and not mature enough to be getting married in the first place.

View Quoted Comment That is EXACTLY my complaint that it can quickly become if not already ABUSE but she said she loves him and he loves her. I told them BOTH that’s not LOVE and he says that is what HIS dad said HE should do - so there is only one room left and it’s her room but no matter what I won’t be disrespected in my house- that’s not my STANDARDS maybe they are hers but not mine

View Quoted Comment Please please please read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This WILL become abusive (mentally, emotionally and physically) I do not want to scare you but I lived through it and it will destroy her. I am sorry to be harsh but they do not know how to love and they will manipulate, control and rip her away from her family. I don’t know how long they have been together but the only thing you can do is read up on it and try and help her see it before she is married and definitely before they have kids. In my opinion this will only get worse and the harder you push against your daughter the more she will cling to him. Just let her know that she always has a room at your house and that you are there for her no matter what. One day, something will just click and she will see it. It took me 13 years and a lot of pain but I never knew about narcissism until after I divorced. Good luck and I have you and your daughter in my prayers.

View Quoted Comment Thank you I can’t believe this but I do feel you are right

I agree with pp. I’m not sure if the ages of this couple but everything stated sounds like abuse. If not physical definitely emotional. Which is much worse, bruises heal, the mental state does not as quickly.



I was both physically and mentally abused and everything you’re saying is very very familiar.
I’d suggest they get pre-marital / couples counseling before it gets worse

View Quoted Comment I’m in agreement with that and have questioned them both on that nothing but excuses in return no reason just excuses- I know and believe my daughter is a beautiful young lady and I know she deserves more than this but either she is ready for marriage or she is prepared to get ready I know she is young and things are a struggle when you are young- I can even LOVE her pass THIS but I cannot condoned her not expecting her worth. She has always lived under her parents provision and she can’t take that for granted disorder or not you have to make people aware that they must respect where you come from in order to respect you!


Respect doesn’t cost money it’s all about where you come from and who you are and as someone that has invested soooo much into her all her life she has to make that decision to be respected to whom ever we past that role too. I love my daughter but I cannot will turn my head to a false sense of security. If they are willing for counseling I’m willing to pay take them encourage them both but I cannot sit back and turn a blind eye to this- I see that path and it’s not my job as a mother

View Quoted Comment I think it’s age but I also believe it’s a family history- his dad has been the most in empathetic MAN I have ever seen. His mom is deceased and spoke with me in her death bed to make sure HER son did the Right thing- she has a son outside of that marriage and this Man tells my husband and I that he HATES HIM he doesn’t speak to him and he is SICK! I literally shake my head how can you feel that way about your wife Child and more importantly how did she feel with you so causally expressing such a hard thing.
It’s too many red flags in that as a family for me to TRUST them with the well-being and security of my daughter so I choose to pour into her and be that example on how a WIFE is expected to be covered and treated- DONT SALE YOURSELF SHORT FOR NO MAN And HE shouldn’t WANT THAT - MY BOOK SAYS A MAN THAT FINDS A WIFE FINDS A GOOD THING- SHE IS THE PRIZE - and she deserves better respect and security than this

Sorry typo non empathetic man

I am glad you are talking a stand now I only hope your daughter will as well. Guys like him will not change and only will get worse

I commend you! That immature man has some serious issues. I wish there was a way for you to suggest some reading/counseling for his abusive behavior—email, mail, text. He may be reading her communications. But she does seem to be in a dangerous relationship with him and his family. Maybe a counselor can help you (I’d want to go over there and rip my daughter from his grip and forbid their relationship but I know that’s not possible with adults!).


Big hugs. I’m sad for you & your daughter.

View Quoted Comment I’m taking every measurement to TALK to these people but make NO MISTAKE I PRAY I DONT HAVE STOP TALKING

It sounds like your future Son in Law has serious control issues. Exerting power and control is a part of a domestic violence dynamic. Your daughter sounds codependent on him.


I typically would not recommend this, but you may want to pull back any funds you had offered for their wedding. Do not do anything to enable his controlling behavior. Do not do anything to make it easier for them to get married.
This goes beyond the SiL having a bad attitude. He sounds emotionally abusive. Your daughter needs to get out of this relationship. Only she can make that decision, but you paying for her wedding enables her to stay.

View Quoted Comment Yes it does and I was just wondering When do you STOP directing and protecting I believe my FSIL is a good person with a not so good habit and call me crazy or even wrong but guidance and direction is something you give for someone to raise to the occasion- there was a prior post that someone said that pulling them apart will only push them together. But confronting him and letting him know you are not dealing with a young woman you are dealing with me that is a whole new separate issue- now he knows well these people like me but they are also watching me and holding me ACCOUNTABLE as a parent I set the tone to say NO you cannot do that to my daughter I asked the question then set the terms to my level of respect required from that relationship and if you are a good person and you have a problem I don’t believe snatching her and abandonment of him does anything- as long as HE knows I’m not willing to let you off the hook that easy then you know no I’m gonna marry this young lady but if I plan on keeping her I have to be willing to work with my strengths and admit my weaknesses so I can deal with them because I WANT THIS AND NO ONE CAN GIVE ME THIS BUT ME - Tomorrow these two have premarital counseling I WILL NOT HAVE THIS conversation again- DO I think you should have learned this from HOME- YES but it was never about the money for a WEDDING it’s about ME TRUSTING HIM with a YOUNG LADY I SACRIFICED TOO MUCH FOR AND IF SHE IS Making a mistake I would have to be sleeping in my grave to not be there for my daughter-
I’m not gonna with hold my resources from her as a carrot over her head I rather be involved and make my presence known even if she doesn’t see it I DO and I raised her to respect me and trust me there is a part of me that looks back at all of this and understand why I got that phone call from his mom on her death bed - Make sure my son does the right thing- if anything I cannot risk the safety of my daughter but I must be the one to point this out and say this is a problem it’s up to him to acknowledge it and address it I trust my daughter it’s the controlling ways of my FSIL I don’t trust but he knows I’m not willing to play his equally and I expect better out of him

View Quoted Comment People who are abused don’t know what’s right, regardless of the way we see others being treated right. And that’s the scary part, abuses individuals are blind to it because we’re afraid, we’re told (by the abuser) we’ll never be loved by anyone else, or we’ll be hurt if we leave.


It’s all the more reason to encourage counseling. I would hope friends of hers are telling her to seek help. I’m praying for you and her and hoping she finds her way.

View Quoted Comment Sad but true and the abuser never see the wrong in themselves I truly believe that his dad is an abuser I believe he is a product of that abuse and now that his mom is not there he is I seen this in my own FI with my husband but together we respected him for being his dad and removed ourselves from things not healthy