Mini Vent

I just wouldn't share planning details with her. If you like the centerpieces, keep them. It's not her wedding, it's yours. If you would be okay with getting fancier ones they look at other options with her. We didn't decide on our centerpieces until 1 month out.

How does FH respond to his mother when she suggests things that you guys can't afford? I mean, is she making these suggestions because she wants to help pay for more elegant decor? Or is she just complaining with no real solutions?

If she wants to and can afford to pay for more elegant centerpieces, maybe you should let her. Or, if she can afford to contribute towards your wedding, but you have your heart set on your simple centerpieces, then figure out another area where she could contribute, and discuss that with her.

I wouldn't let her "take over" as you say. But sometimes the easiest way to stop a complainer is to give them something to do or to buy. Talk with FH about this, and see what you can come up with. Maybe she just wants to be more involved. Not saying that's what you want, but just trying to come up with something that makes everyone happy.

I agree with MrsD and Cristy. It is your wedding - you should have it how you want! If she's paying for them and you want to look at some fancier ones with her, that's one thing. But she shouldn't completely take over as it is yours and your FH's wedding!

While I do agree that it’s your wedding - if she intended on paying, yes I would’ve allowed her a little more control or input. I do understand that it’s hard to deal with people paying or their opinions so, moving forward i would set an arrangement that all parties will follow and abide by. For instance, my future cousin in law offered to buy the DJ. Now, she had a set budget of $500 but our DJ came a little over that. We asked how she felt and she said, “hey, I’ll still give the $500 but you definitely can choose who you want.” So, we’re taking that $500 and applying it to the costs. So, if someone says, “yeah, I’ll pay” ask them how they wish to move forward about it.

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Thank you for the advise it's greatly appreciated. I wish I would have waited on deciding what we wanted.

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He wants her happy because he's the first to get married. He's told her before that our budget is tight and even then she just keeps making suggestions. She wants charger plates, crystals, and so many more add on's. I don't mind if she wants to contribute but when we have conversations it does not seem like that's her intention.

His parents offered to pay for the catering which it's already a lot. Not having a say on what they want catered is fine with me since they are paying. But for the centerpieces FMIL didn't offer to pay or help out with.

Thank you for the advise. I think I will just get some courage and have an open conversation. I want her to be proud of her son's wedding.

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I was not aware that she would contribute to the decorations. FH even told her that she did not mention it. All that was said was that we were going to go to Los Angeles and look at ideas. That was back in January and since then there has not been a trip. (We're in San Diego).

Now with there little blow up I don't know how to even bring it up. I want my FMIL to be happy with the wedding.

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Well, that's how it goes. If parents don't like our choice of centerpiece, and they aren't offering to buy something more expensive, then they can suck it up and deal with the choice you've made.

This is out there, but is it possible that she just doesn't fully understand how costly weddings are nowadays? Because I look back at the time when my parents got married, and how things were done then (1965). It was very different, and the whole "wedding industrial complex" hadn't gotten going yet. So things weren't as expensive, relatively speaking. For example: An upgrade to a more elegant or detailed centerpiece probably wouldn't have been a budget-buster back then. So, maybe she just has a very old fashioned idea about what a wedding costs now, and needs a little bit of an education on that point. I was talking to one of FHs aunts recently, and she had no idea how much this stuff costs. I told her we were trying to stay under $15K, and she almost choked to death! (not really)

When I started through my breakdown of costs, she was flabbergasted. She said how if that's what things had cost back when she got married, she probably would have had to just go to the courthouse. She wouldn't have been able to afford a wedding. Probably the same was true for my parents. So, you may need to have a little patience with her, if this is where she's coming from.

Either way, just try to come to a compromise that everyone can be happy about. It's not a family reunion, nor a day to show off to all your coworkers and neighbors and church friends. This is about two people coming together in love and marriage. Spots on the guest list should be reserved for the most special people in your lives (you and FH). I'm sure she'll understand, if you put it to her that way. Another thing you can suggest to her is that she (or you) can send out wedding announcements to all her friends and everyone you weren't able to invite, after the wedding. That way she can be the proud mama, and you aren't breaking the bank by trying to host all these people. Good luck!