Military Deployment Wedding

That is so f'd up that anyone would call that a "fake wedding". As a military fiancé myself, I totally understand why you chose to do what you did. I would word the save the dates and invitations something like "(groom) and (bride) invite you to celebrate our wedding with us at a formal ceremony and reception" or something? Idk...

And as far as to them directly, I would tell anyone who asks "due to his deployment we changed our plans and are now celebrating formally"

Also: This is actually a fairly common occurrence for military couples (not to mention other cultures) so it isn't like this is a brand new concept. However, we do have some family that isn't as familiar with the notion, as others may be.

Being in the military already means going through so many hardships that civilians don't normally have to face; but your wedding day and what that looks like to you, shouldn't have to be one of the sacrifices you make, especially when you spend so much time apart. We have an image of a special day that we want to bring to life and we want our loved ones there by our side.

I just want them to be as on board as we'd hoped. I obviously can't control that, but how do I word what we're doing, exactly? How do I reply to the comments about this being a "fake wedding" and whatnot? It's not a lot of people saying these things, just a few, but unfortunately included in those few are my mother and father in law, and one of my closest friends, surprisingly...

I love that wording comment, Clara. Thank you so much! It definitely did hurt our feelings, but I'm trying to figure out how to eloquently move forward and address what they said. I don't want that kind of negativity at our wedding, nor do I not want them staying home because they don't realize how much it means to us, to have them there.

So sorry to hear that

I think your best bet is to sit your in laws and close friend down (seperately of course) and just explain that. If they give you any grief I would say "we would love to have you be there, but only if you are willing to support us in our marriage."

That's a good suggestion as well. Some people don't understand the struggles military life brings. It's not like this was our first choice. Lol

For real! It's so frustrating! I hope it works out for you

I did a courthouse wedding with my guy before he deployed and we are doing what we call the "big wedding" when he comes back. Luckily, everyone in our family is super excited to celebrate both weddings, but I would emphasize that yes, you're technically married, but a wedding isn't just about the bride and the groom... It's an opportunity for all of the important people in your lives celebrate with you! Maybe your save the dates could say something like "join us for our wedding celebration."

@Holly, you might get some backlash about this on weddingwire, but I think you are right that people don't get what it means to be a military family. I know that I don't understand all of the struggles it can include, but I appreciate that it's a different world and sometimes things just need to be done differently.

A close friend of mine is doing the same as you, they were married in a tiny ceremony a year ago and then went to Germany together for his deployment, now she wants to have a "real wedding". After reading all the weddingwire vitriol about this I originally had the same reaction as your family (not to her face don't worry) but then I thought about it more.

This is a close friend who I love who sacrificed a big wedding and a year of her life to follow her husband as he served our country doing things and facing challenges that most people will never do just to keep us safe. If she wants a "second wedding" to make her dreams come true, she deserves it and I will do everything I can to be there with love and support when it happens even if it's years after they got married.

I am not sure that you can convince your family, it depends on how stubborn they are, but I think you can tell them "FH is serving his country and we are adjusting our plans based on the challenges of military life. Our married life will be different from civilians' and I am fine with our wedding being different too." It might not work, but if you say it confidently it just might.

Congratulations to you both and thank you both for your service.

My cousin did this, I say go for it!!

This isn't only common in military relationships, it's the norm. Almost all of my husband's friends and superiors were *shocked* when he told them we weren't making it legal, then having the wedding months later.

Honestly? Your family is just being a bunch of insensitive jerks. As if it isn't stressful enough for him to be gone right now, they're just adding to it.

I am currently going through this and my biggest issue is his mother saying she wasn't there for her day and how could we take it away from her?

My best advice is ignore it. Come to terms that some people won't want to come because it's not a legal ceremony. I basically phrased it as it was, we had no choice but to shotgun it and that we wanted to still take the time to make this important step with our family and loved ones.

But just understand that some people wont turn around. Go into this because you and your beloved want this. Ignore everyone else.

You had your wedding already. That's why they're calling it fake. What you're planning now is a vow renewal or celebration of marriage. It's not a wedding, you only get one of those (unless you divorce and remarry). So on your invites you call it is a celebration of your marriage or a vow renewal, if you're renewing your vows.

I don't care if people have a big party (most people dont if they aren't lied to) after the fact but the re-enacted ceremonies seem disingenuous. But the one I attended was for a couple douchebags so I'm sure that contributed.

I'd say "celebration of marriage" on your invites. But, some people aren't going to understand regardless or they might think you're doing the formal wedding just for gifts. Personally, to help avoid this, I wouldn't register.

FH and I are in a similar situation, although not military. We're having our wedding here in the US and then will have a "celebration of marriage" in Brazil at a later date once we have our pro pictures and video. That's what works best for our families, given the visa process and travel costs...my family is in the US and his is in Brazil. We're thinking of maybe having the celebration on our 6 month or 1 year anniversary. We'll show our highlight video at our celebration and have pictures of our wedding there too. You could do something similar in terms of pictures, etc. I think that would be a nice touch. We won't have a registry for the wedding or the celebration.

Invite them to join you as you exchange your vows of love and commitment.

I frequently do what I call "re-enactments" shortly after couples made it legal. Sometimes, at their legal ceremony, they didn't exchange rings or personal vows -- saving those to do in front of their families and friends.

If anyone says anything derogatory during your planning, ask if they'd like to be taken off the invitation list.

I'm a military fiancé as well...civvies just don't get it. We're in the process of planning a wedding but if he deploys we're going to the courthouse because IF something happens I won't be treated like a nobody by the military because we didn't get that stupid piece of paper.

Explain to the 'rents that him deploying is hard enough without them criticizing the way you are doing your ceremony...

My entire family is military, and there is nothing for "civvies" to get. You only get married once. Period. If you choose to marry someone in the service, or be in the service yourself...you choose that lifestyle. You know you have to work around deployments, moves, and shitty schedules. Civvies get it, and it seems to only be select military spouses that think they're special.

If you want to have the quick and dirty ceremony to make it legal, congrats, you're married! If you want to have a reception later...call it what it is, I'm sure plenty of people would love to come party with you.

Just say join us for a celebration of marriage, that's what it is and that's fine.

Maybe civvies just get that it's more than a "stupid piece of paper"?

You know what I say?

Fuck 'em. I know, nice talk for a minister, but that's how I feel about it.

People get married and have family celebrations in many different orders for many different reasons and you know what? It's no one's business but theirs. We do this all the time; sometimes the tiny one in private, sometimes the giant one after the papers are done, sometimes both. In many countries you'd HAVE to have a legal ceremony before the family celebration.

Call it whatever you want. It's not a matter of being 'special', it's a matter of the logistics that being in the military entails.

And for the record? None of my couples who have done what your'e going to do has gotten any backlash from their families. And no one at any wedding has ever asked me about the license; people are either clueless about the process or totally uninterested.

Do what works for you. If someone in your family is insensitive enough to make creepy comments or anal retentive enough to need to know that the license would be signed THAT DAY or you need to call it something else, then un-invite them. Good way to cut the guest list. I don't agree that it's a stupid piece of paper, but I also don't agree that your community celebration has to be on the day you sign it.

But I DO tell everyone to let their parents know what is going on. They won't care; they just want the best for you, but I think it's good that they are in on it.

This is one of those issues that will never be agreed upon here, and all I can tell you from my own experience is that no one cares as much as you or the posters here think they will.