Mil/future grandma troubles

We had our son last year. I realized VERY quickly that you have to put your foot down immediately, and if people don’t listen, then they don’t get to be around my kid.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of people that won’t respect your wishes for your child, so yes, you DO have to set boundaries right away and enforce them. But don’t be afraid to stand your ground and let them know that what you say goes and if they go against that then it’s up to you to let your kids around them or not.

I seriously worry about this with my FMIL. We aren't even married yet and she's already been pushing for kids. When my fiance told her we won't be trying for a good 3 years, she got mad. And he had to tell her that our kids will not be allowed to be over at their house without us (there are a lot of issues in that household that we just don't want our kids being around) and that one about sent her into a rage. She was so mad at me for a few months but is back to normal and has made comments about how we will be keeping her grandkids from her (ummm we never said she couldn't see them just that they weren't allowed to stay at their house without us being there) and also shes made comments about how we will change our minds once we run out of "good babysitters." -_- I have also seem the same tendencies in dealing with her in wedding planning. If I am feeling this way now I can't imagine how those feelings will increase when we have kids. I hate to say this but you may just have to threaten to cut her off if she doesn't respect your wishes. I know that sounds harsh and might not be what you want to hear but if she's that narcissistic you may not want your kids being around her. Some people just don't ever learn boundaries.

I don't have kids of my own, but this is my two cents.

I'd talk with your husband about what's allowed/what isn't prior to even becoming pregnant.

Find a daycare option before hand and just tell her that your child will be attending a daycare so they can be raised with other kids or whatever reason you want to give.

Tell you husband that he has to stick to it as well - none of this "my mom's coming over tonight because she wants to see kiddo" last minute where you can't say no.

Maybe once a month have a dinner together so she can see kiddo, but not every week.

Make it known that you do not want them to stay with you to help after kiddo is born.

If she/they can't respect your wants, then you have the ability to limit their interactions with your family.

I am also worried about our parents. I have a mother, stepmother, and fmil. I also have a dad, stepdad and ffil. The only ones who are still married are my dad and stepmom. All of them think they’re going to be the favorite, and I want to make sure our kids have a good relationship with all of them and there’s no jealousy or hostility.

I'm more worried about her unwanted advice when the time comes. All of her kids are grown now, but there are things my FH tells me that she did when he was growing up that I am in shock of. The other day he said "they can spend summers with grandma" and I'm thinking OH NO! I wouldn't leave my child overnight, alone. Sad, but true after the stories I've heard.

I know you said don't say "boundaries," but I'm going to say "boundaries." If she isn't respecting them, then she doesn't get to see the kids. You (and H) have to set the boundary, inform her of it, and stick to the consequence of it in order for it to work. That is literally the only way to fix this or else she will be running all over you and H forever. You probably will have to continue to remind her of the boundaries, because if she has never had any (which is what it sounds like), she's going to try and push it. You have to set those limits consistently. I have gone through something similar with my step-mom, to the point where I cut off contact for several months and did not see her for about 6 months. It has taken a long time, but I think the boundaries are setting in and they will be respected. An excellent book for this is "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***"

My ex-MIL basically threatened to come kidnap my daughter when she was a baby because I refused to travel to visit ex-husbands family across the country with a 4 month old. She’s continued to “give advice” via Facebook message (I blocked her number so she can’t text/call me) for the last 6 years since that happened. Her son and I have been divorced for 5 years and he’s remarried and his mother STILL tries to run my parenting life.

I know you don’t want to hear the word boundaries, but in addition to boundaries, consequences are important. If she won’t respect your boundaries, she needs to know they’ll be consequences (for example: not going over her house if she oversteps your parenting).

Ugh. I’m worried about this as well. As much as I know my parents want grandchildren desperately, they are very respectful about it and haven’t even mentioned it to us. My FMIL, though, mentions it almost every time I see her. My FH already has a daughter and her other son has four kids, but as she loves to tell me, she isn’t done having grandchildren yet! We aren’t even sure we want kids. If we do, it won’t be for awhile, so either way, she needs to chill. Right now, I just ignore the comments basically, but I’m guessing after the wedding, we will have to tell her to back off.

Actually, it's pretty common these days for the parents to work and the grandparents to watch the kids. That is how we do it. If you go into this with a negative mindset that she will be this way, then you will only be preventing the joy of how it can be. I would just wait and address any issues, if any, when the arise. Otherwise, let her be a proud grandma and love your future babies!

For many reasons (mostly that she might not keep the the kids safe, fed, and loved while in her supervision) my husband and I have agreed that my MIL won't be left alone with our future children, whereas my parents will be allowed to. We aren't telling my MIL that she can't watch our future kids, we'll just say some polite form of no if she asks once we have children. I'd recommend taking the same approach. For now just smile when she talks about your future kids and say something simple and vague in response. As far as your MIL saying she wants to raise your kids goes, don't respond to that, have your husband say "No mom, you had your time to be a parent, now its me and my wife's turn" Like you said, boundaries won't stick so just take it situation at a time. Hopefully your husband has siblings and your MIL can be obsess with their children instead

I actually expect the opposite issue will happen to me. Future mil has no contact with 2 out of her 4 grandchildren. The two she raises are bi racial and the 2 she has no contact with are not. Various family members have made rude comments saying that bi racial kids are better looking than black or white children. My kids will not be bi racial so I think she won’t be interested in them.