MIL who didn't attend wedding

During the dispute, were you able to get a word in edgewise about how sad and upset you were and that you felt that you would be better off to grieve privately than to burden her with your grief? I asked this way because I've been in those kinds of "disputes" where you don't really get to say anything because the other party just rants on and refuses to listen to you. Maybe you could ask your DH what he thinks would be the best way to resolve this, since it's his mother. Personally, I feel like she should reach out but it doesn't sound like that's the kind of person she is, so you are probably going to have to be the bigger person this time. Maybe your DH could even start the process by trying to explain the situation. And if she doesn't want to hear what he has to say, then she is the one pushing her son away.

I hope this can get resolved--families can be so difficult!

I'm with Lynsey this sounds like there was already a problem. I would have lunch or dinner and invite her over, I would try to talk or out or just listen. Ask her why she was mad, is there anything else that bothers her, how you guys can fix it. Let her know she's hurt you and your husband.

I would not have this meet up until me and Dh talk it out. Don't try talking to her until you've become OK with a bad possible outcome.

If she doesn't want to fix the situation love her from a distance.

Thank you all! I did try, desperately, to explain myself but, she just wouldn't hear it. I think there are two underlying problems. First, she's never made an effort to come and visit us in twelve years and I'm sure feels guilty about it. However, DH went to dinner with her while I was at the hotel so he did get to spend time with her. Second, MIL & FIL are divorced and despise each other and I think what was really happening is she was using this as an excuse to get out of being at our wedding so she didn't have to see FIL. Now that I've had months to think about everything, I think she may have narcissistic personality disorder but was REALLY good at hiding it. We always saw eye to eye up until then so, this is the first time I've ever done anything against what she wanted. I wanted DH to talk to her but he insisted that will make her think that I am trying to "hide behind him" and I most certainly am not.

Also, she will not take my phone call and I don't think showing up is a good idea as angry as she got. I was thinking of writing a very sincere letter asking her how we can make this right for her sons sake. Explaining to her that we both want to visit her but that this has made me apprehensive about it. I was even going to extend an offer to pay for her way to come here. Opinions?

She sounds legit cray. Missing her sons wedding because of ONE disagreement. Your a good person for even trying to make up with her.

What is your husbands opinion on it? Does he want to try and rebuild a relationship with her?

Writing a letter first might be a good idea, since she's really given you no other choice. No matter what your DH thinks she'll think about you as a result of him speaking to her, she is HIS mother.... I kind of feel like it's his place to speak to her. But writing a letter shows an attempt on your part, so she can't blame you for not trying. At the very least.

I really hate when people make everything about themselves. You had just lost someone, and instead of being understanding and sympathetic to you, she had the gall to make it all about herself and how offended she was that you, grieving and tired, decided to stay in a hotel instead of at her house. She should have said, "whatever you need. I'm here for you, though" and left it at that. But when people are selfish and incapable of empathy, this is the kind if thing you get, I guess. I'm really sorry you and DH are dealing with this situation. The only thing you can do is be kind and forgiving. ... if she is unwilling to bend at all, then that's on her, and it's very sad that a grown woman would cut ties with her son and his wife over something so petty. And to the point where she missed your wedding... that's just stupid. Again, I'm sorry.

Thank you all. I will try the letter. Hubby does want a relationship with her but I think, honestly, is too hurt to talk to her himself. Which is really sad. Truth is, I would love to tell her off but, I'm not going to stoop to her level. We'll see what happens.

I would try the letter and see where that goes, I think that's your best bet.

I wouldn't reach out anymore. She is completely in the wrong. As a matter of fact I would go on the offensive and don't behave apologetically at all. When she sees that she may come around. Do not kiss her arse at all. She's behaving horribly.

Um, what??? She HUGELY over-reacted, and then to NOT ATTEND HER SON'S WEDDING??! I am shocked. I think you have nothing to apologize for, but I do think you (your DH first) should reach out and try to repair the estranged relationship.

"You've loved her for 11 years"

Id def try to smooth things over with her. This sounds like a minor misunderstanding. Maybe reaching out is all that needs to be done, esp if it's upsetting DH.

I knew my MIL for 15 years and we didn't always have the best relationship but for the past 3 years, we spent a lot of time getting to know one another and I truly loved her for everything she was. I got to understand her. She passed away 2 weeks after my wedding and here I am now trying to console my husband. One day she will no longer be there and that's a battle that you will face with DH.... dont waste time on stupidity. Show her some love, you prob just hurt her feelings

I do think that she over reacted by not attending the wedding and she let her anger get the best of her. I think that maybe you and your husband should reach out to her because I am sure she will not reach out to you all.

Wow I'm so sorry, that's kind of crazy. I think a lovely letter would be perfect.

How does your husband want to handle this situation?

I kinda agree with @Nikki, but that may be because I read too much DWIL on babycenter lol.

Also what @BeachDreams said, what does your DH think?

That saying, "When someone shows you their true self, believe them," applies here.

She sounds like a toxic woman who was able to hide her craziness for a long time. One of those mothers who's sons are the main man in their life, and they are so jealous that he'd spend time with any other woman. In the situation that you described, that's what happened. You stayed in a hotel and he chose to be with you instead of staying at Mom's house. If you want to ease your conscious, you and your husband should reach out together, but don't be manipulated by her emotional blackmail.

Honestly, Hubby said it really didn't surprise him. I'm so confused about what to do because I know it hurts his feelings, especially that she refused attending our wedding. But, after thinking about this more, she started acting like a broom riding witch to me during our engagement. I think I was just too happy & had too much going on to realize it. I had found out that I am going to have a hard time getting pregnant (according to doctors) and she made a snide remark about how, "I should be glad because her sons neglect her. Therefore, I may be better off not having children because they'll just neglect me anyways." DH was not neglecting her! In fact he had been helping her financially while she did nothing for years. He finally said no & that was her reaction. Truth is, I would really like to send her a few copies of our beautiful wedding pictures with a note that says, "You weren't missed."

Don't apologize.

The second you apologise to her, you are admitting fault for whatever happened, and for narcissistic people, you will always be at fault. your DH wants to see his mom, he can.

If DH wants to talk to his mom, he can.

You aren't stopping him. And that is what she, and DH need to understand.

YOU do not have to have a relationship with her.

Good luck, and remember, she is the one choosing this, it isn't your fault, or your responsibility to fix it.

I am with Elphaba. From what you are saying, sounds like she got really close to you because she wants to be THE woman in your husbands life and if he is paying attention to you but you pay attention to her? She gets him still. But when a wedding and kids are in progress, it's a hard wake up call that she really isn't the main woman in his life. Toxic!

I am team "tellhertofuckoff."Or, I guess I am team ignore her. Don't reach out. If your husband wants to, that's on him. So what if she thinks you are hiding behind him? He can tell her this has nothing to do with you and 100% has to do with his mother not coming to his wedding. I can't imagine missing my son's wedding just because he didn't stay at my house (but still took me to a private dinner!) or because my exhusband would be there. Lady needs to grow the eff up. And when she decides to, she can apologize. You don't need to do anymore pleading. The ball is her court.

FH says he wouldn't be shocked if his mom didn't come to the wedding, but I know he would be heart broken. FMIL has serious mental health issues and he and her have never had a relationship other than her calling every 6 months and dumping a load of religious guilt bullshit. I can't imagine the heartbreak your husband must have had since he did have a relationship with his mom.