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Just Said Yes September 2021

mil Upstaging Me

Elizabeth, on September 5, 2021 at 1:35 AM Posted in Wedding Attire 1 16
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A while back my mother and my future mother in law discussed their attire and my mom told her that she was choosing a dark color dress because that’s what I wanted, and MIL had discussed with me earlier that she should choose a color based on what my mom did. However, I just found out that she changed her mind and bought a long sparkly silver dress. The problem with that is my dress is very plain and simple with absolutely no sparkle, and the bridesmaids dresses are also simple. I specifically told her that I do not want anyone in anything even remotely close to white because, while my dress is very elegant and pretty, it would be easy to overpower it with another outfit. I also don’t think it’s right to outshine the mother of the bride. My fiancé told her I was not happy with this choice and she freaked out and stated that she didn’t care and would wear whatever she pleased. I’ve had other issues with her trying to go around my wishes and this in particular really bothers me, how do I get her to go with a different dress while still being nice? After all that’s happened during wedding planning, it doesn’t even feel like mine anymore. I’ve compromised with other things but I really want a win with this one.

16 Comments

Latest activity by Katie, on September 7, 2021 at 12:53 PM
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    Honestly, I wouldn't worry about the dress. Everyone knows that it's your wedding and no one will be able to outshine you & your fiancé. You will still be the center of attention. Besides, she's not wearing white!
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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    I read this “concern” often and it’s really an unnecessary worry. No matter what a guest wears (even wearing white), nothing outshines the bride & groom on wedding day!
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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I do agree that she will not outshine you. And if anything put negative attention on herself at the wedding. Because believe me when someone tries to outshine the bride people talk about the person and give dirty looks. However if it bothers you then you need to be firm with her about it and keep telling her no.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    I think it’s important to ask yourself if you’re prepared for whatever consequences come with pushing back on this. Let’s say she agrees and chooses a different dress. Will she be happy in pictures or will she look miserable and angry because of what she’s wearing? Will she threaten not to attend over this and are you and your FH prepared for that?


    My ex-MIL wore a too short, bold color dress with a plunging neck line to my first wedding and told me she purposely chose an attention grabbing dress out of our color scheme. Was I annoyed? Sure. Was it worth whatever she would have done if I had thrown a fit about it? Nope.
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  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
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    As others have said, she's not going to outshine you no matter what. I've been to a wedding where the bride wore a simpler gown with not a lot of sparkle, her bridesmaids were in very simple black gowns and her MOH was in a simple red gown, and her MIL wore a sparkly silver dress. While the MIL's dress was beautiful and memorable, it didn't upstage anyone else and nobody focused on the MIL anyways. You don't get to choose the mothers' outfits, they are supposed to choose their own, so asking her to change it after she picked one is going to make her mad, ESPECIALLY because right now dresses are really hard to come by. My FH's mother is having a hard time finding something right now.

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  • Cyndy
    Master May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    Don’t fight this battle. You are the bride and nobody will outshine you on your wedding day, so let that stress go.
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  • Alyssa
    Super December 2021
    Alyssa ·
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    Fiancé needs to tell her to back off, but another dress. She deliberately went against your wishes and bought something flashy to try to make the day about her. If you let this go she will not stop there. You need to mark your boundaries or she will continue to stomp all over them and it will continue to get worse. This is classic.
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  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
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    Are you also going to be mad if any guest shows up wearing sparkles?
    You have to decide whether you’re ok hurting your relationship with your MIL over a dress. She’s not wearing white.
    She will not upstage you or your mom. No matter how plain your dress is I promise that no one will upstage you and you will look extremely beautiful no matter what other guests wear.
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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I agree with this as well. The fact that she knows it goes against what you want, it only proves what a problem she is and is going to be. There our some moms and mother in laws that just try and ruin the day for the bride whatever way they can. I'd maybe have a talk with you fiance about how she deliberately went against your wishes.
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  • Alyssa
    Super December 2021
    Alyssa ·
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    Exactly. And it will only escalate. If she is willing to boundary stomp on your wedding day, she will come over when you ask her not to, try to upstage things on Christmas, try to overshadow you when you get pregnant, you name it. It’s all about attention for these types of moms. Especially if your husband is her only son or (worse) her only child.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I hate to say it, but I don’t think there’s any way you are going to get “a win” on this one while still being nice. Your best bet would be to have your fiancé handle it with his mother, and hopefully he can convince her to change her mind. If not, you will either have to put your foot down with her and face whatever fall out comes from it; or simply let her wear the dress and ignore her. (Or “accidently” spill red wine down the front of it 😆 j/k). I’m so sorry she is being this immature and petty. Her actions are blatantly disrespectful to you.
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  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
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    I really don't think she will outshine you everyone knows its your wedding just let this one go

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  • Melissa
    Dedicated October 2023
    Melissa ·
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    Honestly, she's just going to look like an a$$hole to the other guests for her to have chosen such a loud dress.
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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    This is exactly what I said. When someone comes to a wedding wearing a dress that looks like they are trying to compete with the bride, it always makes them look bad to the other guests and people will talk garbage about them for the rest of their life. People always remember the a-hole who showed up to someone else's wedding wearing something that is offensive to the bride.
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  • Samantha
    Super May 2022
    Samantha ·
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    We don't get many opportunities later in life to wear super fancy dresses, so I'd just let her have her way on this one

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  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
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    But with that being said you only plan to get married once and wear the dress of your dreams. To have someone not only wear something they know will be more flashy than the brides dress but knowing that the bride is against it, it not only rude but mad disrespectful. This mil already had her moment in life, it's not her time anymore or her wedding so she needs to learn to sit down and let someone else have their moment.
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