mil is growing our guest list...

I dealt with this myself. It’s all about boundaries. As this is your FH’s mom, leave to him to communicate what you both decide to say. Have a discussion with him about what his mom is doing and have him politely communicate to her “Mom, we are glad that you are excited for our wedding, however the guest list is closed and we cannot accommodate any more people.”


Don’t give reasons as to why or she will find a way to “fix” the situation (i.e. tell you guys that she will pay for the extra guests.)
Good luck with planning and congratulations!

To add to the previous commenter, I would also caution against using the 85% acceptance rate plan. We just received our final RSVP yesterday, and we are sitting at 94% acceptance. So make sure you don’t invite more people then you can accommodate at your venue.

Luckily it's not you that needs to deal with FMIL's expectations, it's your FI. Make sure you're on the same page, then have him communicate that to her. Don't give reasons why, or she will try and "fix" it by offering money etc.

I echo Cece about the acceptance rate. Never invite over your budget or venue capacity.

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A valid point from Cece. We also had 94% acceptance rate. Only 4/74 people declined the invite, much higher than we expected!

Information diet. When she asks about the guest list, just say "I've got it handled" and then change the subject. Do not give her people's addresses, emails, or any other method she could use to invite them.

Your fiance needs to step up and have a very calm, but direct conversation with his mother. He needs to explain to her that the guest list has already been set and you aren't inviting anyone else.

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I for sure will. I haven't had a chance to address it (we work opposite schedules right now) with him but definitely plan to. I appreciate your advice!

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Oh geez! Okay, I will definitely keep that in mind... a lot of our guests on his side are from out of town and older. Other members of the family have told me they "might not come" but I'm not 100% convinced ya know? Might have to do some guest cuts...

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The problem is she's telling them in person - like "look out for a save the date!" to people who weren't even on our address list

View Quoted Comment OK, so then don't send them a save-the-date. You and your FH are in control!

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We haven't and don't plan on sending more

These ppl that she keep inviting ask them to contribute to their meals and seating. And plus many ppl cam your venue hold but I completely understand what you mean. Our guest list total is at 90 but we know that 8 or 9 ppl that not coming so we are looking at maybe 80. But that's even high bc we only wanted 65-75 only but bc of the plus ones and my groom and daughter adding and I told them no more ppl period. I wish you both happy planning

I would tell her that the guest list has been finalized and something along the lines of because of the budget and space we won’t be adding more to the list.


You can also tell her to kindly stop telling people to watch out for a save the date but instead to watch for pictures of the wedding. Remind her that you would rather have it be small and intimate so that you’re surrounded by people who know and love you.

Unfortunately people need to know that this is not okay. It’s plenty of unwanted conversations I need to have. Yet it’s necessary.

Very typical haha it happens all the time. It’s good to have that clear conversation with her around budget and I would give them a number of guests for each side they can have. If their guests cannot attend, then they can invite others to fill in those seats but be very clear what that number is. I had this conversation with my mom and my future mother in law. My mom is the one who keeps adding people and I had to be very clear with her because my per person headcount will be around $550-600 (we’re doing a destination weekend so includes welcome dinner and send off brunch).

Set and maintain boundaries together with fiancé as a team. If you don’t, mother in law and others will dictate other parts of your life after the wedding that are not her business: where you live and work, where you spend holidays, how you raise any future children, and the list goes on.


Mother in law can arrange a family reunion picnic at a local park at another time.
Also your planner is incorrect because you should always prepare for 100% attendance. Don’t invite anyone out of obligation if you think they will not attend because they do make arrangements to attend.

Don't fill seats after people say they can't come. That's called B-listing, and some people find it a rude thing to do.

Agreed with what some of the other brides here have said - hold your ground, but be honest about your reasons without giving her a way to try and "fix" her issues with the guest list. At the end of the day, it's about you two and the people you want to be present on your special day.