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Savvy August 2020

mil has a huge guest list

Tara, on September 10, 2019 at 9:00 AM Posted in Planning 0 7

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My fiancé and I got engaged in July and are starting to tour venues. We made our guest list, which totaled about 130 people. We both have big families, but want to keep our wedding as low-key and no-fuss as possible—no wedding party, simple dress, etc. We’re looking at traditional venues, but are also considering doing a backyard bbq reception.

I asked our moms for their guest lists, so we could add on anyone we’d forgotten. Imagine my surprise when my MIL emailed me a list of 125 people (this included about 30 people we already had on our list, so about 100 extra). 50 of those of her friends, and the rest are very distant relatives. I am somewhat freaking out!

Both of our parents are contributing so I understand that they should and will get some say in the guest list. I thought she might have another 15 or so people, not 100! She said that they’ll pay for whatever extra guests they invite, but I just don’t want a big wedding. (At all—I would honestly rather elope than have 200 guests) Any advice on how to broach this subject with her? Our expectations are so far apart that I’m not sure where to start. My fiancé will help but he’s more laissez faire so I know I’m going to have to advocate.

Any thoughts?

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Veronica, on September 11, 2019 at 2:19 PM

Master January 2015
null · on September 10, 2019 at 9:04 AM
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I would just tell her that you and FH don't feel comfortable having a large wedding, a wedding is a very personal event. Given that they're contributing financially, you will have to bend a little. I would say anyone your FH has never met or seen for more than a "hello" in passing shouldn't be included. But it would probably be better coming from FH than you, I know my FH put my FMIL in her place when she started wedding drama. Maybe you and FH can trim your guest list a bit and set the cap at 150 for everyone's list combined.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on September 10, 2019 at 9:05 AM
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I would have your FH have this conversation. He should let her know which guests were already on your list and how many more you are willing to accommodate. Give her a max and make her choose who she wants there.
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Savvy September 2019
Katie · on September 10, 2019 at 9:32 AM
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My MIL did this to me too, except she did not offer to pay for the additional people. We both have large families so we agreed to invite 100 people from each side. MIL sent me a list of 200 people for the grooms side! Ultimately my fiancé ended up picking who he wanted out of his 100 list. He added some people from his moms list that wasn’t already on there, but definitely did not add all of those people. Let your fiancé deal with it and explain you are only inviting X amount of people who you are close with.
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VIP November 2021
· on September 10, 2019 at 9:50 AM
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First off, I am so sorry that you have to deal with that. And of all the stress you already have it sucks to have More put on you from other people. What we are doing to accommodate both sides we are giving our parents age 4 to 6 people that they can invite because we know that it is important for them to have their close friends there as well because they watch us grow up that way everyone is happy but it is out of control
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Super August 2020
Anna · on September 10, 2019 at 11:54 AM
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My MIL did this too. My fiancée has an extremely large immediate family (not even distant relatives- just immediate!) so i knew that list would be huge. But then she sent a massive friends list. She said that in her social circle when her friends children get married they are never invited to the weddings and the parents throw a separate "reception" for their friends another day. Fiancée's parents were adamant that they would not be doing this and they wanted their friends with them for the actual wedding (which i get... but there was just so many of them). We expressed our concerns for having a huge wedding (where they have invited more friends than us....) and they reduced it. It's still way more than I ever imagined but considering a wedding in his culture is typically 500+ people, my version of "small and intimate" is very different from theirs. Ultimately, they are paying for a large part of the wedding (including these guests) and so we are rolling with it. I think it's up to your fiancée to discuss the concerns with his parents. Let them know it's not about costs, but about the "feel" of your wedding. See what you can compromise on that way.
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Savvy August 2020
Tara · on September 11, 2019 at 2:03 PM
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Thank you all for your feedback! Much appreciated!
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on September 11, 2019 at 2:19 PM
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I totally get where you are coming from. My mil emailed my bil's fiancee and I (weddings were 6 weeks apart) a list of about 50 people. Luckily for us only about 5 were people we didn't plan on inviting so we had no problem inviting them. My bil and his fiancee on the otherhand had a major issue with this because we were on a tight budget and didn't want to invite a lot of the people on the list. My mil threw a fit because they weren't inviting those people. She offered to pay for them, but she doesn't have a lot of money so my bil just put his foot down and said no. They invited some of the people which left out people they had wanted to invite. They got lucky in that they got a lot of early RSVPs and enough nos that they could invite others they had wanted. I think your fiance is going to have to talk to his mom whether he likes it or not.
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