mil Dress Selection

I personally would be annoyed if she got it in white but I don't think I would care since it's black. I also haven't seen the dress though. As you mentioned, it could be her past actions getting to you. As long as she doesn't add "extra" accessories like a Tiara or veil I wouldn't worry about it lol

She sounds manipulative... and how awkward to wear that to a casual outdoor wedding?! You have every right to feel this way. I would probably remind her that it’s a casual outdoor wedding lol

View Quoted Comment Yeah we’re definitely not going to tell her to return it or anything! It’s definitely informed by past behavior. Whether she’s trying to upstage me or not, I’d never tell her that she can’t wear something just because I think it’s over the top. I think I’m still hurt from the past stuff she’s done like this and it may be influencing my disappointment in this particular issue. Thank you so much!

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I know my conclusions about this are biased because she’s done stuff like this in the past and I can’t separate. I don’t think I’m going to do anything about it because I never wanted to control what either mom wore, I just felt like I was crazy for feeling like she’s trying to make things about her.

That's not ok in any capacity. She knows it's a wedding dress and with a train regardless of color. Unfortunately some people strive to upstage the bride..and they aren't naive either since they know exactly what they're doing.. Does she have any personal issues with you that would cause her to act this way? If she has a history of it, then this is not outside that spectrum. Have your fiance talk to her and tell her this is not acceptable. Set your boundaries as a united front and maintain them now because her behavior will only get more erratic and attention seeking as you move forward with other life decisions/events when she tries to control those too.

The dress sounds incredibly inappropriate on multiple levels- the fact that it’s a wedding dress (seriously, what?!), and the fact that it’s a formal, over-the-top gown for a casual wedding. Tbh, if she wears it all it’s going to do is make her look ridiculous and desperate for attention.

View Quoted Comment I don’t think she has issues with me personally. She just always wants to be the center of attention, even if it’s negative attention. My fiancé has tried to get her into therapy to deal with her behavior, but she refuses. It’s been so dramatic before that the neighbors have called the cops on her because she’ll just scream and cry when things don’t go her way. We’ve set countless boundaries with her and even cut off communication before, none of it works. My fiancé has been doing all of the communicating with her lately and I don’t know what was said to her about this because I was working today so we haven’t talked about it.

View Quoted Comment That’s my thought as well. Most of her behavior is wildly inappropriate and I just don’t have it in me to fight with her anymore. People will see her and know it’s insane. Karma will get this one, I’ll take the next battle.

View Quoted Comment If she blatantly ignores boundaries despite your maintaining them then you both need to take drastic measures and cut all contact with her and stop sharing wedding plans. Let others know what is going on in case she tries to go through them to get to you. No one needs that toxicity and she continues acting out because she knows it gets a response.

That just sounds crazy! Ordering a dress that specifically says it’s a wedding dress for your child’s wedding it just so over the top! AND it’s a backyard wedding? If she does wear it, it’s just going to make her look absolutely pathetic.

View Quoted Comment It’s definitely a step I’m ready to take, but I know my fiancé isn’t there yet. He still sees some of this stuff as “innocent mistakes.” He’s starting to see how the little things pile up. She gets absolutely no info about wedding planning, vendors are password protected, etc. and she’s never allowed to come directly to me, everything goes through my fiancé who discusses it with me and then we decide how to respond. Baby steps.

View Quoted Comment I am feeling like karma will take care of this one. She’s going to look foolish wearing a ballgown with a train to such a casual affair. Not sure it’s worth me picking a fight about it whether I’m right or not.

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Yep, this. She picked a dress that is completely inappropriate for the wedding style and venue. That's on her and nothing about how she looks will reflect on you at all. In the interest of picking your battles (which, I swear, is the most important thing to learn before getting married), I wouldn't touch this whole situation with a 10-foot pole.

Put it out of your mind and worry about the things you can control and that are worthy of your attention.

Samantha,


I have no words. This sounds like a horror story. If my FMIL decides to wear black at my wedding I would cry day and night. Such bad luck! And a wedding dress at that! On the mother of the groom? My entire family would assume that she was a witch who hated me. This is quite literally my second worst fear regarding the wedding other than rain.
Having said that, I’ve been to a lot of weddings lately where the guests are encouraged to dress in all black, and there were definitely a lot of girls trying to upstage the bride in black ballgowns at a wedding I saw pictures of about a year ago. A side note to that though: is that it was “white-tie,” so 1/4 of the girls who attended were in ballgowns anyway.
All in all, if it ends up fitting okay with your theme and everything, I wouldn’t worry. However, if you’re planning to have a summer-y, flowery, pastel, romantic wedding; I personally would tell her “tough luck, we had an agreement and you jumped the gun🤷🏻‍♀️...”
I hope this helps, if it can... and I hope you’re not as superstitious as I am! Thanks for your post!
Aubrianna Abbema

View Quoted Comment Samantha,


You definitely have the right attitude! You can’t argue against irrational behavior with rational thought!
Aubrianna Abbema

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I definitely am not worrying about this from the perspective of wanting to control what she wears. I was feeling guilty for perceiving this as a power grab from her and just felt I needed some impartial input about it. I try my best to not get upset with her because she’s going to be my mother-in-law, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was a purposeful attempt to be disrespectful. My guilt over that was weighing on me. I appreciate everyone validating my concerns so I could release that guilt!

There is an old tradition that the bride is the princess at the wedding, and the mothers are the queens. white, silver and blue, colors of water, innocence and virginity in Europe, and their churches and descendants. And queens have exclusive right to be as outstanding as the bride, but in an older, queenly,, I have the money way, Golds, wines, black when ornate and dramatic ( not mourning.) Will anyone mistake her for the young bride? Or is she in inappropriate club wear? No, then leave it alone. I and everyone I know would have said no to a train, til designers started putting trains on evening gowns, about 12 years ago. Not just for brides, now. Wedding shows, everything is the bride. But in most any western culture, the mothers have been the queens. It may be what she grew up dreaming. Moms have gotten really sidelined recently.

View Quoted Comment I truly mean no disrespect here and appreciate your point of view, but does it not sound a bit crazy that the mother of the groom be a queen on a day that is supposed to be about a marriage between two people who aren’t her? We aren’t living in distant years past. We’re living in a time where the focus of the wedding is always supposed to be the couple. And she didn’t buy an evening gown with a train, she purchased a wedding gown that happens to come in black. That’s not an exaggeration either the description of the dress is “satin wedding gown.” The first color listed is ivory.


We were completely fine with her wearing black! She sent us dozens of photos of dresses and we only vetoed one and that’s just because we thought the others were better. This one came so out of the blue and she hid it from us for well over a month. Neither she, nor my own mother, nor I are the “queens” of this day. But when the only Google search that brings up the gown from a super sketchy website is “black wedding gown” I just can’t believe it wasn’t an intentional effort to be the star of a show that she’s not paying for and has been largely rude about.

View Quoted Comment Maybe I am being too charitable here. But I don't see any active meanness here. And just having turned 40, when I was young I still remember when more than half of married women dod not work more than part time outside the home. And the
parents, most especially MOB, but both mothers often, were the hostesses of the wedding. Not the couple. That has changed in your ( you and Fi) parents generation. ( assuming I hope that they are older than my 40.) And I have been in the wedding s of so many friends, particularly 30-50 yr old couples, whose mothers act like they have had something they dreamed of all their lives, taken away. Their mothers planned their weddings. Now their kids want to plan their own. When mothers were hostesses they would shine for a year. Now they are hardly in the game, often.
And that brings forth a lot of attention seeking behavior from many. Meanwhile, it is harmless. If anyone comments, say, I am the princess, and that makes her feel like the Queen. So what. If anyone thinks it funny, it is no reflection on anyone else. Two of hubby's nieces and one of mine are planning weddings on our orchard land and lawn next fall and the following spring. My niece is from Manitoba. Better to fly 8 people here than 120 there. But hubby's older brother and sister are mid fifties.And the nieces told their parents they could do it free, here, vs big NYC prices. But what they told us, is to keep their moms out. 6 hours drive away. And Hubby's sister and sister in law are pushy about controlling everything. So pushy, their daughters won't share at all, because they want to start with the weight loss diets and do the guest listswith half to each set of parents.... So they miss it all. Either niece would be in heaven if their mom only wanted to dress like the good witch Glenda.
Mommie's here! Maybe by wedding time it will all be out of her system. Or she will try something in a MOBdress. One of the modern mothers kind. Plunging V to the waist, slit up to here, but the scrap of fabric will be a sedate motherly blue.Shrug it off. One look at you, and that is all people will think about.