Ester
Dedicated April 2022

mil drama

Ester, on February 14, 2020 at 9:22 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14
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I don't usually rant on any social media or public platform but I have to with this to get opinions on what to do.

We are 78 days out from our wedding and just 2 days ago found out that one of the groomsmen might not be able to make it. When we mentioned this to my future MIL, she started giving suggestions and came up with the idea of having my FH's little sister's boyfriend as a groomsmen.

*background story* , my FH and his little sister have not gotten along for the past 10 years because of her nasty attitude. It's been awful to the point that she has treated me poorly and I have never been able to grow a relationship with her. For the past year, the little sister has been dating this guy who is liked by the family but gives a cold shoulder to my FH.

So when my FH tells his mom that he doesn't want the boyfriend as a groomsmen because he doesn't like the boyfriend's attitude with him, his mom flips out and starts talking bad about my brother, one of the other groomsmen, right in-front of me! I couldn't believe his mom has the audacity to constantly bash my FH for his choice on who his groomsmen are. This also isn't the first time she's said comments about my brother being a groomsmen.

*background story* When I moved in with my FH, my brother was hurt, sad, angry about leaving the house and caused for us not to speak for around a year. This also affected any type of relationship growth between my brother and FH. However, we have rekindled our relationship and my FH and brother even hang out now.

This brings me to the conclusion, how do I approach this situation? I don't appreciate her talking about my brother that way at all. I've let it slide other times but I feel at this point, it's so rude to be saying my brother shouldn't be a groomsmen or state how it was a poor choice to have him in the bridal party. I've told my FH it's awful to hear that from his mother, but should I confront her about that or should my FH?

14 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on February 12, 2021 at 5:25 AM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Your FH should be setting firm boundaries with his mother. It isn’t her place to decide who is in his wedding party and he needs to make that clear.
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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    100% agree. He should also be standing up for you/your family if she's going to be hateful.

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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    Yup, absolutely right. Your FH needs to tell her to essentially mind her business. She has no part in choosing who the wedding party should be.

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  • Chantal
    Expert May 2021
    Chantal ·
    • Flag

    PP is on it with this one! I'd talk to your FH about how it makes you feel to hear her speak that way. He needs to make sure that she is aware of how hurtful her words can be; you don't want to start out as an official family with bitterness already under the surface! She should be aware of the sister-brother relationship of her children, and is probably deep down already aware that it's not a great idea.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    You shouldn't confront her at all, your fiance should. He needs to set boundaries immediately that she cannot say bad things about you and your family in front of him or you ever.

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  • Shaina
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    I think that FH should let her know that her comment about you brother was very uncalled for. Also Your FH has every right to choose who he wants by his side. Just out of curiosity is your fsil in your bridal party?

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  • Ester
    Dedicated April 2022
    Ester ·
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    No, she's not. And her mom and the older sister were upset about that but I was not going to have her in the bridal party when we don't even talk. I made it clear to them that I don't like to be fake and regardless if she's in the bridal party or not, there are many other things to do to be involved.

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  • Ester
    Dedicated April 2022
    Ester ·
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    It's been an ongoing situation. The mother just thinks it's gotten worse since I came into the picture because the little sister somehow feels left out. However, I tried several times to have some sort of relationship with her but her attitude was too nasty and it's never worked out. I have tried for my FH to mend his relationship with his sister but she doesnt want to either.

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  • Shaina
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    You have some strength in you girl. I honestly wish I had that strength. There has always been some weird distance with me and fsil(younger), because she doesn't like that he basically (in short) is with me a lot more than her and her mom even told her she needs to get over that.

    I have fsil in my bridal party because I felt it would cause more drama than not having her in it. (FH parents expected that the siblings would be in it). my other girls seem to be getting weird vibes from her(like making things more difficult than it needs to be). Trying to keep the drama at bay and my MTOH & MOH are usually pretty good with her putting her back in her place. FSIL can be very weird at times and FMIL said that it seems its out of jealousy for one reason or the other.

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  • Ester
    Dedicated April 2022
    Ester ·
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    Yeah it would make sense for the parents to think that siblings are going to be in the wedding, however, I knew from the start I was not going to feel comfortable having her around without thinking she might give me bad attitude. When I first announced who was going to be in the bridal party, my FH was sat down and told how unfair I was being but he said it was my choice and the same would go for his groomsmen. In all honesty, his mother believes that if you hang out in the same roof, you're considered "close" family, but that has never been the case.

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  • MIWM
    VIP June 2019
    MIWM ·
    • Flag

    Your fiancé needs to se healthy boundaries with his mother. My husband doesn't set boundaries with his mom and she takes advantage of us. She has done some questionable things to me and my husband had a talk with her about it and she will not apologize and expects me to play forgive and forget. She drops laundry off at our house when she is capable of doing her own laundry/ going to the laundry mat to get it done but expects us to do it knowing we work long hours and are under a lot of stress. She complained that her new washing machine cant get hooked up because of covid19 and that she ''feels bad'' that we have to do her laundry. I said to her that we work long hours and are under a lot of stress and have our own laundry and cleaning to do and that it's frustrating that you continue to drop laundry off at our house or expect my husband to go pick up your dirty laundry to bring it back to our house to wash than turn around and deliver it back to you when it's done. You are more than capable to go to the laundry matt and do your own laundry. It went right over her head and she feels like she is not in the wrong. This is what happens when husbands don't set healthy boundaries with their mothers disrespect!

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    He should talk to his mother. First, she has suggested something highly rude. At this stage, you don't unplug one person and replace them with another. Sister's boyfriend is not a spare part. He knows he has not much relationship with FI, and it is rude to basically say, since I can't have the person I want, you wanna do it ?)
    Second, it is never any of either Mother's business whom the groom chooses, not even the bride should have any say. Mother has rudely overstepped her boundaries thinking she has anything to say in the matter of Groomsmen. FI needs to clearly tell his mom this. She is being highly disrespectful of her son, sis' boyfriend and brother, and there is no excuse for it.
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  • Th
    Dedicated September 2021
    Th ·
    • Flag
    If FH and your brother have a good relationship now (my FH and my brother weren’t close for a bit during our relationship before being engaged) and even more so if you and FH have both agreed to have your brother has a groomsmen then MIL has no say in this. Id personally tell her I understand your concerns, but we have made a decision and my brother is going to be a groomsmen. As for your fiancé sister’s boyfriend, if your FH does not want him as a groomsman, then that’s the final say. If she brings this up just be honest with her, she may not like it and she may put up a fight. But at the end of the day it’s your guys wedding and you really want this person in all of your pictures and in an intimate part of your day just to please her? Someone told me when I first got engaged, that you’re not gonna be able to make everyone happy and after things that recently happened with our engagement I have come to realize that they are correct. At the end the day as long as you and your fiancé are happy that’s all that matters
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Your FI, first. He needs to say to her what she likely dod once upon a time.
    Words can hurt. Either she, sis and others talk to and about you and your family nicely, or say nothing at all. And you and he will do the same about his assorted family ( inc. boyfriends.)
    If that does not happen, he, you, and any children will not be seeing her. At all. Because nobody comes over to play with people who treat them and their loved ones badly. And, he is a grown man now, and chooses his own wedding party, and other things about the wedding. GM is not an open position, and he is not taking referrals Stop pushing. He also now is starting a new family of his own, and all of his decisions, from finances to jobs, to where to live, are up to you two to decide. He will now and then ask Mom's opinion. But she needs to express her opinion once. Then respect that the 2 of you will make your own decision. About everything. As she does, in her household. 🙂Time to set up the invisible fences, boundaries that keep separate but related family members friendly in the long term. He needs to draw the line. Now.
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