Skip to main content
J
Just Said Yes October 2022

mil drama

Jasmine, on July 18, 2021 at 4:33 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 19
Saved
Reply

Hi everyone! Just looking for some opinions/support. This is my first post, so go easy!

My fiance and I have only been engaged a few months now, and are starting to plan out our wedding day.

A little back story for reference - I've been married before, and divorced five years now, my first wedding was a grand (and ultra expensive) affair with all the bells and whistles. For that reason, I wanted this wedding to be more casual. My fiance is on the same page and this is something we discussed in length prior to our engagement - he respects my wishes and is a very low-key guy so he is also hoping for a more laid back wedding. We are very conscious about our finances and do not want to end up with a large debt related to wedding expenses.

We are currently deciding between two venue options:

1) Laid back tented wedding at an outdoor venue along the river in the country-side with catering and open bar, maybe a live band and fireworks.

2) Mexico for a destination wedding at an all-inclusive resort with a smaller guest list, and hosting a casual tented reception in a friends (beautiful) back-yard, catered for any guests unable to attend the destination wedding.

As for the issues with my MIL, she has stated to us that she would like us to have a traditional hall wedding, and wants to be able to invite her extended family as well as coworkers and friends. She hates both ideas for our wedding, and makes sure to tell us this every chance she can. She has even made comments about how I am forcing her son to have a "hick" wedding, and that I am only making these decisions because I was married before. My fiance is 100% on my side, and has defended me at each opportunity, however my MIL seems to think I've brainwashed him and has been so viscous towards me lately. She continues to pressure us to check out hall venues, and has stated that she will not be footing a single bill if we chose to do it our way (we don't expect or want money from anyone, hence the desire to keep costs low).

Both my parents and my FIL are totally on board for either option. Our friend group is very young and have all expressed serious interest in a destination wedding, as well as our respective wedding parties. We've also both been approached by family members from either side stating "we hope it's a destination" and expressing the desire to get away after two years of lockdown.

I'm not really sure what else to do in this situation, and worry that this will continue to erode my relationship with her. We don't want to be pressured into a wedding that we don't want just to please others.


19 Comments

Latest activity by Jayne, on July 21, 2021 at 10:02 PM
  • Jasmine S.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine S. ·
    • Flag
    She doesn't get a say, especially if she's not offering to contribute. Do what you want and don't discuss your choices with her.
    • Reply
  • J
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    She did offer to pay for her side of the family if we had a hall wedding. This however does not help with costs associated with my side, our friends, or his fathers side. She now remind us every chance she can that if we chose to have anything but a hall wedding, she will not be paying haha!

    • Reply
  • Jasmine S.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine S. ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    She's clearly trying to use her money to get what she wants. Don't let her bully you into doing something that would make you unhappy!
    • Reply
  • I
    Expert August 2021
    Ingrid ·
    • Flag

    Stick to what you and your FH want to do, it's your wedding you guys get to make the decision! I understand wanting to listen to opinions. Personally I'm not a fan of destination weddings, I would pick option 1 of your choices. You MIL does not get a choice!

    • Reply
  • Victoria
    Devoted June 2020
    Victoria ·
    • Flag
    She clearly needs a shut-down, probably from her son- “while at first your enthusiasm was appreciated, your ongoing insistence is now rude and hurtful. Will absolutely will not accept any money from you to pay for this wedding, and we will plan it to our liking. Any continued negativity or interference is going to result in you being shut out from the planning and some events.” When she starts getting upset and riled it’s simply, “This is the behavior I just told you about. I’m leaving now and hope in the future you can be more amicable to wedding conversations.”
    You two are in the right and is great that you’re in the same page! I’m so glad you have so many other supportive people around you!
    • Reply
  • J
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Jasmine ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you!! That’s excellent advice. Definitely going to have to have the uncomfortable conversation.
    • Reply
  • Steph
    Dedicated May 2022
    Steph ·
    • Flag
    Thank God he is on your side with this. One of the first things my FH and I spoke about was how we would not be inviting random people we do not know or allow anyone else to do so either. We are also paying for our own wedding and have no desire or expectations to have anyone else footing any bill. I say it’s YOUR day and whatever you and your FH agree on that is what matters. To keep peace with your MIL just tell her that she can invite 2 people of her choice but you will not be doing things her way. She probably will still have a problem with it, but at least you tried.
    • Reply
  • P
    Dedicated April 2023
    Peyton ·
    • Flag

    This is your opportunity to draw clear boundaries. You can be matter of fact and unemotional. Do not let her control this. If you do, it will never stop. She is acting ridiculous and childish. You and your fiancé need to present a united front. Your MIL already had her wedding. Now, it is time for you to have yours just as you want it. Good luck!

    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    This is a thing for your FH.

    "Mom, we did not ask for money. We are not having a hall wedding. End of discussion. If you bring it up again, we will hang up/leave/kick you out."

    AND THEN FOLLOW THROUGH.

    If... when she throws a fit about that... "We'll miss you on our wedding day."

    • Reply
  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
    • Flag
    Agree with Rebecca. “No, this is the date time and location, we’d love to have you.”
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    “We did not ask for money, you know we are paying for this ourselves.”
    “We are not having a hall wedding.”
    Don’t JADE - to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - because she sees that as an opening. This will take practice, but you keep her from derailing any conversations by answering her in short sentences, and then continuing to talk about something else. “We’re not doing that.” “That’s not in our plan.” “Of course we aren’t asking you to pay, we are, please stop saying that.”
    • Reply
  • M
    Dedicated September 2021
    Melissa ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like she's the only one that has a problem with your ideas and wants the hall wedding. So if you did that, it would only be for her. IMO that's a recipe for future resentment and is probably an indicator of bigger issues with her. It's great that you and your FH are on the same page. I feel you guys should set the tone early that she doesn't get to control your decisions, especially if you don't need her contribution anyway. If you give in to this, then she might think she can do it again in the future. :/

    • Reply
  • Erin
    Savvy August 2021
    Erin ·
    • Flag
    Get away and enjoy Mexico ☺️
    • Reply
  • Susan
    Devoted October 2021
    Susan ·
    • Flag

    I'm having almost the opposite situation here!! This is my second wedding--I was widowed 9 years ago--and my fiance's first. My dad paid for a good part of my first wedding and fought me tooth and nail for every dime I spent. I had very few friends, and the ones I had couldn't travel to where I got married, so it was mainly a party for my late husband's family and friends.

    I never thought I'd have a second chance at love, and he has big dreams of a fancy wedding, so we are pulling out all the stops and going to town on an over the top wedding of our dreams. We are footing the bill 100% of the way. Because Covid shut us down last year, we cut the guest list in half and made the wedding even fancier than it was for our remaining guests, and we've had an extra year to pay for it, and have paid cash for everything. So coming out of this in debt has nothing to do with anything... However...

    My future MIL never hesitates to tell us how she got married in her backyard with a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store and it doesn't matter, she's just as married as anyone else, and we're foolish for spending the money. She is overall a very negative person, and I know she will say negative things afterwards about the expense of it all.

    Ultimately, girl, I just do not care. I've told her a couple of times "we have our own vision" and that is good enough for me. My fiance, like yours, backs us up completely, and we just go with our own style and do our own thing.

    You just go ahead with your planning. You can say something like, "Your ideas sound lovely. Next time you get married, feel free to use them." LOL As long as you and your fiance are on the same page and start making solid plans, she will get on board, I promise. Tune out the noise. It'll help your sanity. She's just struggling with her son getting married.

    • Reply
  • Melissa
    Dedicated October 2021
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    Ur wedding ur choice. If you and ur FH are on the same page, that's all that matters honestly. It's great that he defends u...I love that!! Best of luck to you
    • Reply
  • Halle
    Just Said Yes February 2022
    Halle ·
    • Flag

    At the end of the day remember this: your wedding is about your relationship with your husband, nothing else matters that day. It doesn't need to be traditional and you don't need to please her. At the end of the day she can either support you and her son or not, but it's her loss.

    • Reply
  • Ashlee
    Rockstar September 2022
    Ashlee ·
    • Flag

    Stick with your decision. It may help to have your FH sit down and explain what he wants to her, without you there and that the wedding you have is one that he and you will be planning together and that he hopes she'll support you both no matter what type of wedding you have. It's about you and your FH. If she continues to be like this, just don't discuss anything wedding related with her. Send her the STD/Invite and be done

    • Reply
  • CountryBride
    VIP April 2022
    CountryBride ·
    • Flag

    I love your tented countryside wedding that sounds beautiful I would firmly talk to MIL and tell her that these are your wants for your wedding,

    • Reply
  • Jayne
    Dedicated June 2022
    Jayne ·
    • Flag

    Do what you want to do. As long as you don't do anything directly hurtful to her in your plans she will get over it. I had never heard of "JADE" before but it sounds like a very effective communication method in this case.

    Some of us moms have had things regarding the wedding cause us hurt feelings but you know what, in the end, we are adults who love our kids and we either let it go or put it out of mind and move on to the next phase. In 5 years, it won't even cross her mind again.

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×
ReCaptcha Verification failed. Please try again.

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics