Memories of my own wedding are ruining joy of my daughters wedding

Have you talked to a therapist yet? They can help navigate how to work through past hurt and how it affects current relationships. What you are describing is not uncommon and is among the many reasons why some parents take over planning their children’s weddings instead of letting them decide what type of party they want to have. On the flip side, no parent is required or obligated to pay for their child’s wedding and in many social groups, it’s considered the sole responsibility of the couple who is getting married to pay for everything themselves if they are old enough to marry in the first place, which also gives them full choice in plans that are made. It’s a choice of the parents to contribute or not.

If you have children old enough to be getting married then IMO it’s time to put what happened in the past in the past. As you say, there were cultural issues at play. What you describe in terms of your parents taking ownership of your gifts would be unheard of for most of us but at the time your parents seem to have felt they were doing the traditional thing in view of a lifetime of their support, regardless of who paid for the wedding itself.


Today, etiquette assigns an independent couple ultimate responsibility for paying. There are of course parents like yourselves who contribute, host or co-host a child’s wedding, but that is totally optional. No one who is not in a very favorable financial position should ever feel pressured to pay up. My advice is to feel good that you are in a position to be generous and stop comparing what you’re doing to what was done for you.

I believe the best way to heal from a past experience is to do exactly the opposite of what was done to you (by your parents). Take pride in your love and generosity to your daughter. Don’t do anything out of pressure or obligation, but only out of a sincere love for your daughter. I pray that she is grateful and thanks you for being such a kind, caring and loving Mom.

I recommend forgiving them. Treat your children the way you wish your parents treated you.