Madhuri
Just Said Yes September 2019

Me vs My in-laws :(

Madhuri, on June 14, 2019 at 4:57 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18
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Maybe I'm overreacting. I have loved and put my time in with my FH family. (8 years) they loved me back. (So I thought) When my fiance proposed no one in his family congratulated us everyone acted like nothing happened. I live 60 miles away from them so any planning would be done through phone calls or text messages. I text! I text his mother,sisters, grandmother, aunts.... no reply. I call! No one picks up! I send texts maybe every few days no reply. I come over everyone hides in their room. Or sees me and wont speak!!! And they go and tell my FH that I'm keeping them in the dark about the wedding. I've saved screenshots to prove my innocence (which i shouldnt have to) and my FH is mad at me? How?

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  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    You aren’t overreacting. If your FH is mad that his family isn’t included, but you’ve shown him that you’ve tried to include them, you don’t have an in-law problem. You have an FH problem. One that won’t be solved by getting married. Have you thought about couples counseling at all? It helped us a lot with establishing boundaries within our families.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
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    Completely agree with is. I also want to add that if he wants his family to be included, he can make an effort as well. Wedding planning isn't entirely on you and neither is interacting with his family. He should be standing up for you in this situation and the fact that he's not would be a big red flag for me.

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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    I agree with PPs. My FH and I had a big ol' heated argument several months ago when it came to me and his family. Some stuff happened, and he didn't stand up for me (even though I was innocent). I made it clear that if we were to move forward he has to put me and our children first, and treat us as his primary family. Not telling him to choose or not care about his family, but he needs to know that WE (FH, me, and our kids) are the primary family unit now. Make it known girl! Set those healthy boundaries and expectations.

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  • Iva
    Super September 2019
    Iva ·
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    Absolutely agree with the first three posts!
    FH is responsible for interacting with his family, not you. Of course, you can keep them informed & involved, as you say you tried to, but him getting mad at you about this is not ok.

    Second, getting married into a family that is not accepting of you / your relationship, or is just passive aggressive, as it sounds in your case, can be an issue. They will always be a part of your life & if they are creating negative atmosphere on regular basis, it can really take a toll on you & your relationship. Maybe, in your case, this is just a temporary thing (maybe there is a reason for their behavior that should be explored?) since you said you thought they loved you.

    Lastly, my biggest concern is that after 8 years of being together it sounds like your FH doesn’t believe you, as if he doesn’t know your character or just doesn’t trust you 😐 That would be a big issue for me that I’d want to work on together, before marriage.
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  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
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    Tell your fiance you're not doing anymore planning for the wedding until he gets an explanation on what the heck is happening with his family. You've been including them and they didn't respond. Keep showing him the proof.
    Tell him you need an explanation for this rude behavior. Because I would be pretty mad myself
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  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
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    This completely. He should not be mad at you for making the effort when his family is being ridiculous. He needs to help in the planning and if his family won’t talk to you, he needs to stand up for you and find out why.
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  • Jessica
    VIP October 2019
    Jessica ·
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    I totally agree with Sarah. I haven't had this issue myself, bc if anything, my FILs take up for and do for me all the time. Ive really been blessed.
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  • Sarah
    Devoted June 2020
    Sarah ·
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    All of the above for sure. After this, I think you need to always have FH communicate with his family for the big things. Him handling it should help reduce family tension. Plus, it's his family. He should not have any problems with it.
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  • Soon2Bmrsp
    VIP May 2019
    Soon2Bmrsp ·
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    Why not include him in the group texts so he can see for himself that they are unresponsive? Don't go looking for drama and continue to plan your wedding the way that you want. I didnt believe in involving anyone but me and FH into our planning. He wanted me to include his family and I felt as if WE were paying for this and the more people that you include be ready for their opinions into your day. Dont stress about it too much people are funny acting when it comes to weddings/baby showers in my opinion. They may feel that you are going to pull him away from them vs being honest and having a discussion with you.You also need to know what level of involvement does he expect to come from his family so that you can level set your expectations. Good Luck!

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  • Katie
    Super November 2019
    Katie ·
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    Have you thought about putting everyone in a group chat that way he will see you are trying and it is them who are being hurtful about it.
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  • Madhuri
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Madhuri ·
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    I really need advice. Today was a family function my FH and I came with open arms we started conversations no reply just a fake smile. All of his family did not talk to both of us. And when it came time to eat they all joined chairs together (all 20 people to 1 table) and made it to where we wouldn't have room to sit. So we had to sit with random strangers. And during the day his grandmother was introducing her friend to everyone in the family name by name and forgot me mind you I've been in the family for 8 years..... so my FH kept having to say my name and im his fiance. Later that day the family called me over I was excited I thought they wanted to talk.... THEY TOLD ME TO PICK UP THE TRASH OF ALL THE TABLES. Ive been trying to be respectable. We will be living in a duplex home with my mother in law for 6-8 months. I'm a teacher and still trying to find a city to work in. I'm just at my breaking point I broke down and cried I feel worthless. My FH put effort in today says he feels helpless because after we get married our only option is to live in that duplex home with them.
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  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
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    FHs family sounds so passive aggressive. I'm sorry you are going through this. You need to show him what's happening and communicate how it hurts you. I think at the same time that you and FH are in charge of your own wedding. You have choices. Take control of your day. If people want to be jerks, don't include them!

    Do NOT move in with them. By the sounds of everything, they don't like you and the problems will not get better when you live with them. Find some other arrangement. Rent a room or a bachelor space. Moving in will only cause more friction between everyone and it might cost you your marriage honestly.

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  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
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    Agree with this 100%

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  • Madhuri
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Madhuri ·
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    They are certainly not being included. Yesterday was the last straw for me. But We dont have a choice. My FH is a probation officer for the county and I am teacher who currently doesnt have a job. It would take 6 months to settle some where. It will be hard for us to pay for a wedding and get a place at the same time. The places in our area our $2,000+. We would most likely look for some where after the wedding but that would still be months after. My FH and I had a long much needed conversation. But that still left us with being hurt and "helpless" with the current living situation. (Sorry to sound like I'm complaining or whining I never had to encounter something like this)
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  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
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    I don't think you are whining but I think you may have more choices than you think. Maybe. I've lived in different major cities and it's possible to rent a room for much less than $2000. But you probably know things best since you live it. I know the big day is super important but consider scaling back on some things. I feel concerned for you both given what you describe.. I have an idea of the kind of family you are dealing with and although my in laws and I get along super, I would not move in with someone who treats me poorly. Not to mention the stress it puts on the relationship. I really hope it works out Smiley sad



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  • Madhuri
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Madhuri ·
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    I've came to a realization. I'm getting married to their son regardless. They are going to have to deal with it. I initiate conversation about this particular topic and they act oblivious but still act petty. Until someone decides to say my FH cant live in a house they im forcing myself into that house. All of these women are old and have kids they should have learned how to communicate. I sent his mother a respectful text stating "I felt unappreciated that I love and built a relationship with each member of the family and that her son and I WILL get married. They can either address why they feel the way they feel or decide not to speak to me."

    If they decide to not speak to me cool if they decide to back out from the wedding cool. But I for one am not going to make anyone make me feel less than or not good enough. The woman I am today I've worked hard to become. I know my intentions I know my character. If someone has a negative opinion they can keep having one. It's exhausting trying to "keep everyone happy." If there mad they can stay mad no ones going to tell me to not marry the love of my life. I dont understand how a 80 year old grandmother can control her kids (his mom and aunts) and grandkids (his cousins) to be messy against her grandsons FW. I am willing to let go of the things I can not control.which is "grown a$$" womens attitude.
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  • Madhuri
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Madhuri ·
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    Thank you for your encouraging words and advice. I have decided to let go and let god. Keeping these women happy is impossible. And the only job I have to keep happy is my husband's. I'm not going to baby his 50 year old mom and his 80 year old grandmother. They lived life and will be stuck in their ways forever what they should have done was learn how to communicate. The world doesnt move when people go tit for tat with each other. I for one am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough to marry him. I know im good enough he put a ring on it for a reason. We shouldn't have to explain or feel bad about loving each other.
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  • privateuser
    privateuser ·
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    Geez. Did they treat you like this before the engagement?


    I agree with everything you have posted. You have set your boundaries, as you should. The hard part will be sticking to your guns. Thankfully my MIL/FIL are amazing. But my BIL is different story and that is really only because his now fiance is the WORST. I tried many different ways to build a relationship with her but eventually I had to throw my hands up and walk away. And I only say this because I have thrown my hands up and walked away at least 5 times. But then I would feel guilty or hope things would change or one more conversation would do the trick. So just know, you will probably feel like that at some point. As you continue to wedding plan, you will feel sad that they aren't involved or that they don't even remotely care. But just try and remember that you can't control other people. No matter how you change and adjust yourself to cater to them, you may never get the response you want. Over time it will get easier, but your fiance needs to support you. My husband and I haven't spoken to my BIL or his fiance in almost a year, even though they were at our wedding, and honestly, I have zero intention to. I set my boundaries and my expectations of how I would like to be treated, and they haven't met them. So that isn't my problem anymore and it shouldn't be yours either. Good luck!

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