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Just Said Yes September 2021

Me v. Mom: Guest List Fight

Gabrielle, on February 20, 2019 at 9:21 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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My fiancé and I are in the early stages of planning our wedding (like just booking our venue tomorrow kind of early) and I’m already getting pressure from my mother about inviting people I don’t want at the wedding. They’re her friends, three out of four who I don’t have a real relationship with—just an exchange of pleasantries. They don’t even know my fiancé’s name or how we met; the one other person she wants to invite is nice but I don’t want her invited just because my mom was invited to her son’s wedding a few months ago. I know four extra people doesn’t seem like a lot, but three of them have spouses and my fiancé and I agreed on a specific number for the guest list which we’ve already exceeded.

My my parents are helping us by paying for half of the wedding, and I really do appreciate it. But I want my wedding to be intimate and I don’t want anyone there who hasn’t had a role or significant meaning in my life. I’ve already broken down crying about this twice before and I don’t see a way to have this discussion without us fighting again. Does anybody have any advice? What’s the standard protocol or etiquette in this case?

Also, I don’t know if this gives any context, but I want to add I come from a big Filipino family. Thanks much.

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Latest activity by ashley, on February 21, 2019 at 4:36 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on February 20, 2019 at 9:23 PM
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My advice would be to decline them helping financially. If they help pay, they get a say in the guest list.
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Expert November 2019
Future Mrs. Danger · on February 20, 2019 at 9:29 PM
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I don't know that there is much protocol when it comes to our moms lol.
Here is what I would try. Instead of getting into an emotional fight, i would start with a budget. From there you will have to settle on a guest count. Once you have a max guest count you can begin making a guest list. Maybe by letting some time pass, while figuring these things out, you will get a chance to calm down about it and it may be easier to discuss with your mom again. Perhaps once you have a max number you can also better "prioritize" your people and then it wont leave any room for argument anymore.
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Dedicated April 2019
Meaghan · on February 20, 2019 at 9:48 PM
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I hate to say it but if they’re paying for half the wedding, then they get a say in the guest list if they want to invite someone regardless of what you want - that’s the unfortunate consequence of having someone else help pay for the wedding. We’re lucky because we’re payig for most everything on our own but my mom is helping with the rest and the only ones she wanted to invite were already on my list. Does your venue have a maximum capacity? If it does, you could always use that as an excuse to try to get her to back off from pushing them on you if you two already have enough close friends and family to fill the venue. Ours has a maximum cap at 120 but I’ve been telling people the max it can hold is 105 - it’s a good way to stop having people ask oh is so and so invited? And also good in case one of the close family members on either side wants to add to the list of invites - sorry, we’re full! (Even though we’re not)
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on February 20, 2019 at 10:31 PM
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Ok.

Weddings are VERY “political” in nature.
That means that your mom’s friend who invited her to her child’s wedding “expects” that your mom will invite her to your wedding- especially if you’re the first of that age/generation to get married.
With that said:

You and your FH, his parents and yours( together or separately) all need to make the “A LIST”, “B LIST”, & “C LIST”.

“A LIST”= the people you cannot imagine your day without. These commonly include: Parents, Grandparents, Siblings, Aunts & Uncles...

”B LIST”= the people you want there to share the day, but won’t be heartbroken if they aren’t there. These include: Best Friend, Co-workers( close), Cousins/Second Cousins, Neighbors....

”C LIST”= the people that you’d like there if there’s space, and money, to include them. These include: Co-workers/boss, Friends that don’t fall into “A & B”, People you feel obligated to invite....

Once you all have made the lists it’s time to sit down together and look over them.

The names that are on all/several of your lists, like You & Your Parents have Grandma Jane, go into the “A LIST”. Then it is time to look at who has people that you feel matter.

Have a “MASTER LIST” and add the names that are duplicated first, then add the “B LIST” names and so on, until you reach the guest limit/no more names.

Also, you need to figure out if it’s an adults only, 16+ type or are children welcome? Then you need to factor in Plus Ones. And of kids are welcome than you need to add all of the kids who are eating solid food...

Good luck! Hope this helps!

(The part of together or separately after parents is that a lot of times it makes sense to have each parent do a list vs them do a combined list.
As with my FH, since we are both older adults( 40 me, 52 him) his mom doesn’t really get that huge a say, but we will take into account some of the people she wants.
FH is a high end lawyer so there will be former clients and other attorneys as well as judges and political people there( sigh! 200+)- But most of those fall into the “C LIST”( at least where I am hoping they do lol!)
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Master May 2020
Tara · on February 20, 2019 at 11:26 PM
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Decline their financial help if you want full say.
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Dedicated June 2019
Amber · on February 21, 2019 at 7:08 AM
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I agree that if they're helping pay, they get a say. The second we found out both of our families were helping to pay for something, we made sure we asked specifically who they wanted invited to the wedding and built our number around that. If you aren't willing to budge at all, especially for 4 couples, then you need to decline their financial assistance.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on February 21, 2019 at 9:52 AM
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I think that parents should be able to invite a few friends to a wedding, ESPECIALLY if they are helping to contribute financially. If you don't want them to have a say in the guest list, turn down the money.
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Super April 2019
Heather · on February 21, 2019 at 10:51 AM
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Agree with everyone else you have two options here either turn down the money or allow her the few guests she would like
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Just Said Yes September 2021
Gabrielle · on February 21, 2019 at 10:55 AM
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Including the guests I’ve already added that I thought were adequate enough? Not playing devil’s advocate or trying to be a brat. Genuinely asking as a follow-up.
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Devoted October 2018
Mozabrat · on February 21, 2019 at 3:39 PM
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This is the thing. If they are fitting the bill, they feel they are entitled to a say in the wedding planning and invite list. That is the way it is. If you do not want anyone else having a say in your wedding...then you pay for it. That is the only way around this one. You pay and you say. You let others pay, they get a say. Unwritten wedding code.
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Master 0000
Judith · on February 21, 2019 at 4:15 PM
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This is it. I would not say, invite any and all people you want, whom we barely know. But unless your mom offered to pay for just a few discete things, like your wedding dress, or alterations, or hair, she is contributing a share of the entire reception, and if that means she wants one table for parent's friends ( you do not mention dad) with their SO, or up to around 10% of wedding guests, etiquette is, she is well within her rights. If you accept her money, she becomes a co-host of the party, by paying a share. If your guest list total is only 20 or 30, 8 might be too many. But if over 100, she wins. Sorry, aggravating but true.
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Dedicated August 2019
ashley · on February 21, 2019 at 4:36 PM
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I would have a candid conversation with her about this. If youve already accommodated a proportionate amount of her list then she needs to be aware.
Just because she is paying for a portion of your wedding does not mean she can control your guest list and invite whoever she wants. If you have accommodated a fair share to her that she has specifically requested, then address that with her directly.
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Me v. Mom: Guest List Fight

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