Matron of Honor Drama

Honestly, I don’t think it’s coming from a malicious place— it think she’s genuinely telling you to consider a few backups. With your original date or June 7, I would have told you the same regarding the bridal shower. It’s just too soon and risky, and about a month out is when you should decide whether to postpone/cancel or continue on. July 11th gives you a little wiggle room to see what things will look like in a month so you can make a decision.


I think removing her from the bridal party is a bit extreme especially someone who I’m assuming is close enough to you that you made her your matron of honor. Also, removing her from the group chat after ONE comment is kinda crazy to me. If she continued to be negative and make upsetting comments—sure, remover her. After one, though? Really? Shouldn’t someone talk to her first and figure out where her head is at and get to the root of things before ostracizing her? Eeek.

I can understand where you are coming from, but I think removing her from the bridal party would be too much. I don't think much of group chats as it is so I don't think that matters much. My bridal shower is planned for June 6th, while I think we should move it to July or August even. My mom continues to plan it. I can't seem to talk her out of it right now. She is super optimistic; while I am too I think having it in June is not the best idea. I think planning it for July is a great idea! I think a lot of people are over reacting to this whole situation and your matron of honor is probably one of them

View Quoted Comment

Well prior to this situation, she remarked over and over how we should postpone the wedding because it will be unsafe by August.

I guess it's because she's been negative this entire time. There are ways to approach this situation and then there are totally wrong ways. From the beginning she has been "postpone postpone postpone" meanwhile everyone else has been positive and encouraging to wait it out.

I guess thats why my maid of honor removed her from the chat because we're a bit tired of her negative comments.

Its not about being me not being realistic because trust me I AM but its about having someone in your bridal party who is consistently looking at things half glass empty and being problematic.

I guess I should have included that in my initial post.

View Quoted Comment

You're right, I think its the overreaction that got me more annoyed. I'm super optimistic and hopeful and she isnt. She keeps saying its because of her enneagram 6, and im like what does that have to do with anything? lol

If you're having a wedding of over 50 people (when you say LA, do you mean Los Angeles or Louisiana?) then she's actually likely going to be right in that you may need to downsize or postpone. I also get where she's coming from--we don't know a whole lot about pregnancy and COVID-19, so I can understand her fears. Kicking her out of the bridal party could easily be a friendship-ending move, so that's something to consider.

The way she went about voicing her concerns doesn't sound entirely pragmatic, but her feelings of worry and genuine and shared throughout the world. I think it was a bit juvenile of your MOH to make another group chat without her just to basically talk about her. Your bridal party date is really up to anyone else who wants to throw it, so your MOH can proceed with the date she wants as planned. You can let your SIL know that you're planning for that date for now, but will make a game-time decision about moving or canceling when it gets closer. If it still moves forward, I'd have a heart to heart with her telling her you definitely understand her concerns and you won't feel offended if she chooses to skip the bridal party or the wedding, especially in these uncertain times.

View Quoted Comment If that’s the case— has anyone talked to her about it?


I’m not sure what your friendship dynamics are, but I rely on my friends to give me reality checks when I’m acting crazy or unreasonable, and none of them are ever too scared do so and vice versa. I appreciate when my best friends tell me I’m being a complete B. If you haven’t had a heart-to-heart regarding how her comments are affecting you or how they come off— that’s on you because you’re not giving her a chance to correct her errors. For all you know, she doesn’t realize she’s doing anything right wrong.

View Quoted Comment

I totally understand. I'm very optimistic too. I don't like to think about the negative during these times; so honestly I know it probably sounds dumb but I kind of ignore the stuff going around about the virus. I no longer care about it. My FSIL tried to get me to talk about it the other day; we fall on different sides of the situation so I just pretended I didn't get the message that way no argument could take place. It's easy to over react right now; just let it go and let her know the date of the new shower.

I hate to break it to you, but I absolutely see where your matron of honor is coming from. There is no way in hell I'd be comfortable attending an in-person shower on June 7th. Way too risky--especially since she's currently trying to get pregnant, and that's a whole new layer of risk! I would have suggested the same exact thing, to cancel your in-person shower and have a virtual shower instead. I really don't think she is coming from a malicious place. I hope that you two can resolve things. I think she was trying to be honest with you, because an August wedding is getting more and more unlikely at this point. I would try to move on and simply not ask for her advice about the topic anymore

I would just leave her be, i feel like there's a lot of people who are scared of the situation and so they just want to make sure that they are doing their best to prevent things from getting worse. in my opinion it does sound like she didn't phrase things very well though but as pp mentioned maybe it was not out of malice

"I cant help but to think should I remove her from the bridal party?"

Please think this one all the way through. I can't imagine any scenario ending well if you kicked your future sister-in-law out of your wedding party just because she is reacting to a global pandemic with fear instead of positivity. People are dying; fear is completely normal at this point. It's fine for you if you aren't worried, but you can't require that no one else worry.

Go ahead and allow the party hosts to keep planning your party, but prepare to graciously accept any declines, including bridal party members. It sounds like you don't like your MOH very much, which makes her an odd choice for MOH. But since you made her MOH, you are "stuck" with her. And keep in mind, you can't change her (or anyone else), but you can change how you react to her.

View Quoted Comment I do like my MOH. Thanks!

A pp asked if by "LA" you mean Los Angeles or Louisiana, and I'd question that too, but it some ways I'm not sure it matters. I'm a SoCal native. If you're talking about Los Angeles, I'd agree with your SIL/MOH that it's highly unlikely a traditional face-to-face shower is going to happen in a month, given where we are with re-opening the state. I don't have any direct experience if you're talking about Louisiana, but given the infection/death rates there, I'd think it's at least equally risky. I don't really see this as an issue of people being "optimistic" vs "pessimistic." Given the data, and the approach of CA's politicians' to be pretty conservative in their approach to re-opening, personally, I wouldn't expect a bridal shower of more than 10 guests to likely be legal in So Cal in a month. So, I wouldn't call your MOH/SIL unnecessarily "pessimistic," just potentially realistic. The idea that you'd consider kicking your future SIL out of the wedding because she's concerned about a deadly infection seems like a really bad idea to me. Yes, you're a bride, but that doesn't mean other people's' concerns are irrelevant. If you're determined to move ahead with planning, cool, go ahead, but I'd be understanding that your SIL and others may choose not to attend, even if it happens and if I were you, I'd be accepting of their decisions. Good luck!

Personally, I have a bridesmaid who has frustrated me through the entire planning process. I wanted to kick her out of the party but she's family so I don't want the drama. I removed her from all the planning messages and only message her the details she absolutely needs. My future SIL was supposed to be a bridesmaid (actually was for a quick second) but after several unanswered messages over a couple months I finally just messaged her and asked if she was happy being a bridesmaid or if she'd rather just be a guest and she quickly backed out which made my life ALOT easier.

Maybe ask your person if she would feel safer if she was excluded from the group events? In my experience choosing your wording and making it more about what they want you can usually guide them into what you want.

View Quoted Comment

I'm that PP you mentioned (and also a SoCal native; hi, neighbor!) and just chiming in to say I totally agree with you 100% on all of the above.

Chill out first off fsl being a work freak and not driving has nothing to do with your wedding, I had a baby at the beginning of March thankfully my baby was early or she would be born next week during this pandemic, she’s concerned about this virus you should respect that, should you cancel your shower? No but don’t kick her out of your wedding unless you want your future in-laws to dislike you