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Savvy July 2022

Marrying a divorced man

Misselis, on September 8, 2021 at 2:54 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16
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Hi ladies,

I am actually not engaged yet, but this will happen at the end of this month.

For some reason I'm getting really emotional if I think about my partners previous marriage. It sounds strange maybe, but when I focus on that, I feel sad... Sad that it happened in the past.

They don't have kids and that marriage last for 1,5 year, so it's not a big thing actually..it just didn't work.

I know it is a weird mindset, because I haven't had this in the beginning of our relationship at all. I was actually not focusing on it at all, but since things are getting closer..it started to kind of 'bother/hurt' me. But why ? Smiley sad

Is there someone who experienced this before? And will i be the 'old' one? like i was in the beginning?

I really can't think about letting my future husband go, or breaking up..no way. But it feels like the devil plays with me and i'm constantly thinking about his past marriage. I ask myself; but is it normal for him to marry again?

Or do I get these thought because there is actually no confirmation between us, as in, there is no ring yet?

Hope someone can give me advise..


16 Comments

Latest activity by Alyssa, on September 14, 2021 at 11:39 AM
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag

    So you're sad that he was married before to another woman? Is that what the problem is? Why would that bother you? I understand wanting to be someones "first" but if you two are happily in love and want to build a future then there's absolutely no reason to let that effect you - especially if they have no kids or ties together!

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Super May 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    I get that, it can be hard to think there was someone who he loved "as much as he loves you" or someone that he had these experiences with before, especially if its your first marriage. The only thing to do is to just push it out of your mind every time it pops in. After all, she didn't keep him and you will, so obviously she was never the one.

    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Hi Yasmine,

    Yes..it might be a little bit jealousy i guess?

    In the beginning of our relationship, i saw the weddingtrailer.. it didn;t bother me at all, but since we're a long time together and plan to take next steps..i felt so emotional, and ask myself; why was he married with her? why not only engaged..married sounds so official etc.

    It just scares me that i have to think like this after a being together for a long time..

    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    That's right..im so surprised about myself honestly..

    I was always thinking like that. It was not a problem for me at all, but since a few months im thinking; omg i will marry a divorced man, is that a right choice? I don't want to let him go for sure..

    • Reply
  • Cindy
    Dedicated April 2022
    Cindy ·
    • Flag
    I’m so sorry your feeling this way! Sometimes these are rooted insecurities which make sense . I was engaged before and I thought no one would want to date me after and I had ton of insecurities thinking I’d never find someone else . I did a whole lot of soul searching and did therapy . Something I have learned in therapy is if it bothers you , you need to communicate that to your partner because it will eat you up and it will build up . I know it’s sucks to feel this way And it can be embarrassing to discuss but if they’re going to be your husband you both need to humble yourselves and bring it up in a way where he won’t seem defensive about it . I highly recommend pre marital counseling . People don’t do because they have problems they do it to set a foundation for their marriage and it’s a safe place to address any concerns . Also there’s also a lot of factors they play into divorce that you might not know the whole situation . Maybe they were too young or maybe they saw differently on things . I highly recommend you hash those things out before marriage . Good luck.
    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you Cindy,

    Yes, i've talked a lot about it with him and even cried. He says he understands it might be hard to be with someone who experienced it before, maybe it's jealousy.. but he said he can't change it.

    I know the reasons too of the divorcement, they were both so young.. 20 &24, that girls family kind of 'forced' him to marry etc. So at the end, he regret his failure marriage..

    But still that thought makes me sad..to think that my FH called someone else his wife etc.

    • Reply
  • Cindy
    Dedicated April 2022
    Cindy ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I’m glad you guys have talked about it . If he’s expressed that and you started dating him and knew this , then you have to accept it . No one is perfect . And it will take time for you to get over that fully . But you can . You just have to work on it . I’m glad my fiancé saw past my flaws and past because we both have never been this happy . I wish you the best !
    • Reply
  • M
    Savvy July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Yes, indeed i knew this before he said it to me and i was totally ok with it..past is past, that's what i thought always.

    I really hope it will change by time..because the thought came randomly

    Thank you dear, i wish you the best too..and hope things will turn out well

    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    Your post sounded so familiar that I checked your profile to confirm that you have already posted about this many times. I am genuinely sorry you are still struggling, but I am also wondering what you have tried to solve this problem. Have you gone to individual counseling to learn ways to move past this? Couples or pre-marital counseling?

    Clearly continuing to fret about this issue and posting here every few months is not helping you. I sincerely hope you can get the help you need before you get married because focusing so much on the past that can't be changed is not a good foundation for a marriage.

    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    It looks like you asked the same question numerous times and have gotten a ton of advice, but you are still fixated on the face that he's been married before. Unless you get help from a professional I don't think you are going to be able to move on. Have you done anything yet to try to move on other than making posts about it every few months?
    • Reply
  • Melinda
    Rockstar March 2022
    Melinda ·
    • Flag
    My Fiancé was married for seven years… in fact he was still legally married when we met. They had been separated for quite some time and the divorce was being finalized. I’ve never in my felt jealous of her. In fact I feel sorry for her because she chose to leave the most amazing man in the world and elated because she did.
    I’m over thirty. If I had cut out everyone that had ever been married my dating pool would have been quite small and I would have never met the love of my life.
    I’m agree with the previous poster that therapy sounds like a good idea. I also don’t feel like it’s very fair for you to throw his marriage in his face because it probably makes him feel pretty helpless.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    At the time that's what he wanted to do - You can't blame him for something that was done before you. Maybe you should try to see a counselor or something to get over that. Otherwise your marriage/relationship will never work if you are dwelling on what happened before you. I'm sorry that you are feeling that way though, I can only imagine.

    • Reply
  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    I remember your previous posts about this exact same topic. This has been going on for over five months now, and it does not seem to be getting any better. Considering everything you’ve said in your many posts, would highly suggest you seeking therapy. You seem to be hyper-focused/obsessed with the fact your SO has been married in the past; to the point it is unhealthy. Please, for your own mental health as well as the health of your relationship, get therapy.
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This. 💯 percent.
    • Reply
  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    Yep! It sounds like you’re fixated on this and need to work through some insecurities and past trauma. I would seek therapy.
    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Super December 2021
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag

    He chose YOU. If you are afraid that marrying him is going to lead to another divorce, this is a conversation that you need to have with your partner. If you are worried about him going back to his ex, I wouldn't be, they divorced for a reason. Unfortunately too many marriages end because people are incompatible, and often because people give up too soon. Don't be the latter.

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