Manipulative mil sees me as “other woman”

IMO, you should make an effort to get to know her on your own and not base your opinions on things that happened to your FHs family years ago. It sounds like your FH loves his mother and wants her in your life so telling him you think shes a "foul person" probably wouldn't go well. I wouldn't marry someone who said that about my mom...

I agree with above. My father was abusive towards me when I was younger. However we now have a very good relationship. My FH knows about my past but kept an open mind with my father. The past is the past and I’ve learned to move on. My FH has never held it against my dad and they have a very nice relationship as well. If your FH is wanting you to have a relationship with his mom then it’s not your place to judge the past. Everyone makes mistakes. People are only human. People learn from their mistakes. You need to have an open mind

Agree with above as well. You are forgetting the first part of your story - she’s a victim of abuse. Its not unusual for a mother in this situation to develop a co-dependent relationship with a child. FH seems to have moved past it, as he may have realized that his mother is human and dealt with a situation no one imagines being in when they envision getting married. Kudos to him for establishing boundaries. Be there as his wife to support him if she tries to breach, get to know the woman she is - NOT the flawed mother she was - and you will hopefully come to successfully navigate a complex family relationship. Do NOT tell FH rude things about his mom. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Also, doing so will only end up proving what she’s already thinking - that you’re out to come between them. Only discuss her current behavior IF it directly impacts either of you. Otherwise, ignore it! Don’t give anyone that much power over your emotions. She’s not responsible for your feelings - you are.

Take it from a 25 yr “marriage vet” who had a similar situation. it’s not your place to be mad at her for her “failings” as a mother. It’s FH’s and he seems fine. If she IS still being manipulative, be gently fair, firm and consistent with your own boundaries. Call her out tactfully on a case by case basis and move on. The more the both of you present a united front (as needed - she is not the enemy) the more she’ll back off and see you as an ally to her son rather than a rival of hers. Once my MIL realized I ONLY wanted what’s best for her son and had zero interest in competing with her, she figured if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. We have had a close relationship for 20+ yrs.

If she is very religious, can you use the "leave and cleave" verse from the Bible to gently explain why you are now the #1 woman in his life? If he is setting boundaries, that's great - just keep doing that.

I'm fairly certain that telling FH you think his mother is a foul person won't help anything and will likely make it worse. My own mother wasn't always the best parent and I had a larger part in raising my younger siblings than I should have. But let FH say something about my mom that's out of line... Setting boundaries is fine. Having an issue with something she's currently doing is fine. But you can't judge her and hold the past against her.

I agree with what everyone has said. And also, maybe letting her know that though you are going to be his wife, it is not like you are taking his mom's place? that would be very important for her to understand. I get it she is used to seeing him as her "partner" in a way BUT maybe reminding her that she is a mother/parent and will always be and will always have the love of her son???

telling him she is a bad person.... have you walked in her shoes? have you lived her life? no. you dont know how you'd deal with anything if you were to go through her experiences. her parenting was how she managed to get through whatever she had to and it doesnt make her a bad person. maybe not the greatest parent...

i give kudos to your fiance for not letting it affect his relationship w his mother. my mother did the same thing and honestly now that i have kids i am having difficulty forgiving her... how could she forget she was a parent and unload years of her issues on a child... ugh!

Hi everyone - thank you for your insights. I ended up apologizing to my FH for having a negative attitude towards his mother. Turns out there was a misunderstanding on my part, which solves the question I originally asked, which was how I was supposed to have a relationship with her when I couldn’t stand her. He wants me to be cordial and friendly towards her to keep the peace, but he didn’t want me to actually have a relationship with her. He explained the only reason he’s even keeping contact with her is because if he doesn’t, she will “take away” the ability to see his younger siblings who he raised, because in her eyes, her having any distance between her kids is bad. (She actually tried to guilt and manipulate us into not moving to our dream home because it’s a “whopping” 3 hours away!)

I am glad that things resolved with my FH... I am sure some of you think I sounded nasty in my original post - I posted when she had recently said some mean things to me, so I was seeing red! I will be polite to her, but I still need to learn how to have grace... it’s really hard! I was in multiple abusive and domestic violence relationships (thank goodness not anymore!!), and I didn’t react to things the same way she does... So I think that’s where my problem is, that I HAVE lived through it, and I was able to survive without taking it out on those around me. :/ It’ll be an ongoing struggle for me, that’s for sure!

View Quoted Comment Jordan, thanks for the clarification. Don’t worry, you’ve got this girl! 👍🏽