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Brittany
Savvy September 2020

Major Depression - trigger warning

Brittany, on October 29, 2019 at 3:33 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 14
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I'd been on a happy high with my now FH for the last 5 months, we got engaged about a month and a half ago and from the beginning wedding planning was already highly stressful, I never imagined myself actually getting married but my FH is definitely my life partner and I am excited to begin my life with him. I already had a few break downs and told him I never wanted to plan a wedding and that he will need to pull a ton of the weight if this is something he really wants (which it is and that's fine.) Then last weekend a close friend of mine was buried, after committing suicide so very unexpectedly, (he never showed any recognizeable changes or signs to anyone, he just did it one day.) The waves of grief have been manifesting in so many ways, I deleted my Facebook, I chopped my own guest list nearly in half and still feel like theres people I dont want on it, mostly everyone honestly. I know I'm pushing people away because I'm in pain but since I already felt in over my head with this wedding stuff I feel completely burdened by it now. FH has been picking up my slack but I just can't find any joy in planning my wedding right now and he wanted to get married in about 1 year so I feel like I don't have time to put it all down for long.
Truly though, I dont feel like I want to be surrounded by a bunch of people I feel obligated to invite but my FH wants a big party. I dont even know what my question is, any advice helps. I guess, What else can I get excited about as far as wedding day, would be a good question.

14 Comments

Latest activity by Donna, on April 17, 2020 at 9:42 PM
  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I completely get the husband wanting a big party and you being interested in something smaller thing. I am in a similar situation. Whenever I think about it and get annoyed, I think of the joy it will bring him and that helps. Losing someone is hard, especially when you don't have a "why". Your mental health is more important than your wedding so I'd take a week or so away from all the planning. You have time. Let yourself relax a little and come back to it when you're ready. Everyone will understand. Hang in there! It will be okaySmiley heart

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  • Brittany
    Savvy September 2020
    Brittany ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you Taylor. I noticed I posted this at 3:33pm and I am highly into Numerology and I feel like it is a validation that I will feel better and find what I'm looking for in time. I appreciate you.
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  • Megan
    Super October 2020
    Megan ·
    • Flag
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending virtual hugs. 💕
    You should take time away from wedding planning. Don’t stress about it, don’t think about it. Give yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself.
    Dont make any big decisions on an emotional high or low.
    I hope this helps, and again I’m so sorry for your loss.
    • Reply
  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry about your friend. Suicide is a terrible thing for those left behind to have to try to process, and it’s never easy. I highly suggest you talking to someone. It sounds like you are grieving and could use some help to find your way through. I don’t think this is so much about the wedding itself, but your friend. Take some time off wedding planning for a few weeks. Don’t make any drastic decisions quite yet while you’re still processing your friends tragic death.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    I think you should consider counseling/therapy. Depression and grief are very real things, and you don't have to deal with them alone. Therapists can be wonderful for helping you develop coping strategies and distress tolerance. The people in your life love you, but there is a huge value in a professionally trained therapist/counselor who cares about you but isn't intertwined with all of the details of your life (I like to say they get paid to compartmentalize your "stuff") and can help you from a pragmatic but compassionate perspective. Confiding in a third party relieves your loved ones of seeing you (someone they love) in so much pain.

    Therapy can be expensive, but your mental health (and the sanity of your loved ones) is worth it. If you are really feeling depressed and struggling to process your grief, counseling can make a huge difference. Near me there is a graduate program where students earning their Master's or PhD in counseling/therapy offer super low cost sessions, and it makes getting professional help very affordable. You may also want to see if their are support groups in your area (I imagine there are some for people who have lost a loved one due to suicide) as they are typically low cost or free and can be a great resource as well.

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  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·
    • Flag

    You've had the combination of a traumatic event and a history of depression. That would send anyone into a tailspin. Right now, you need to focus more on your mental health than on the wedding. That means, if possible, both getting onto antidepressants and getting therapy.

    You've got time before the wedding. Put off as many decisions as you can for now. Once you are feeling more stable, you can see whether you still want to cut way back on the wedding guests.

    • Reply
  • Jo
    WeddingWire Administrator May 2015
    Jo ·
    • Flag

    I'm so, so deeply sorry to hear about this, it's a tragedy and you have my sincerest condolences. It is 100% understandable you don't feel like celebrating right now, and right now you can't predict how you'll feel in a week, a month, a year. Give yourself time to grieve and be patient with whatever feelings arise in the coming days.

    We're here to support you now, and we'll be here to support you with whatever advice we can offer no matter whether you decide to go ahead with planning, postpone, elope, change your guest list size - anything you and your FH decide.

    I'm also going to email you privately, but I wanted to post this here too so you know I'm thinking of you and this community is supporting you.

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  • Brittany
    Savvy September 2020
    Brittany ·
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    Jo, Thank you. I felt this was a loving and encouraging place so far and knew there would be encouraging words from excited brides and grooms. I'm happy I found Wedding Wire and I appreciate your response.
    I think I will take some time given the advice I've had hear, I'm sure my family will understand I'm just not in the mental space to take it all fully on right now. I am looking forward to the future and I know the way this loss had impacted me will change with time and I will find ways to live more fully and joyfully once I begin to heal. Thank everyone for your comments I am very grateful. This community is very special which is why even though I dropped Facebook I felt I could find a better sense of community here.
    • Reply
  • Yvana
    Dedicated June 2020
    Yvana ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry for your loss. I understand the grief and how it could make you reject people. On August 7th of this year, my 16 year old brother passed away suddenly in his sleep (we still don’t know the cause of death after the autopsy). I started to look through messages with my brother where he told me he’s excited for our wedding and how he always thought that my FH was lucky to have me. Anyway, all of us had gone on an 8-day cruise a week before he died and it was my first real vacation with my FH so my Fiancé kind of kept me to himself most of the time. After my brother passed away I felt a little resentment toward my Fiancé because I didn't get to spend a lot of time with my brother on the cruise. I also felt dread having to plan my wedding knowing my brother wasn’t going to be there. What helped me was talking to my Fiancé about what i was feeling. I’m not going to pretend that it went perfect because he did get upset with me and we did fight (for like 2 hours) but at the end of the day he’s my bestfriend and was there for me the moment i found out my brother died and didn't leave my side. I also started looking up things I can add to my wedding to honor my brother’s memory. I had already created a seating chart so I found on Etsy a sign for his chair that says “in loving memory of....” I guess I feel like if I honor my brother then he will be there with me and THAT has helped me get my motivation to keep planning the wedding again.
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  • Brittany
    Savvy September 2020
    Brittany ·
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    Yvana, I am so sorry for your lost. Greif seems to have the ability to bring in all sorts of 'I wish I had's, and guilt and blame that is unnecessary. I'm learning not to regret the time not spent but focus on what I loved and admired about him and how I can keep that close to my heart, and bring more of it into my own life. I'm sure you will think of something beautiful to honor your brother and its beautiful to know that he was so happy for you. I hope you have a beautiful and blessed wedding!
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  • Naikesha
    Super September 2020
    Naikesha ·
    • Flag

    Brittany so sorry to hear about your friend. I honestly know first hand that suicide hits home especially if you yourself are facing any type of mental health issues.

    I would suggest that you talk to a therapist. Find an outlet to help relieve some of your anxiety. As for social media thats fine I agree with deleting it if its not bringing you any joy. The wedding however you need to take a small step back and take a mental health week maybe- Do spa, take a small trip, read a book, find something that makes you happy . ask your fiance to watch a good movie with you and cuddle dot talk about anything just be in the moment.

    I hope everything works out for you!

    • Reply
  • Brittany
    Savvy September 2020
    Brittany ·
    • Flag
    Thank you again to everyone who reached out. I've done some self care work and hopefully getting back to more deliberate wedding planning after the holidays. I gained a lot of perspective about the people and ideas that I held dear before this experience, and that has helped me in many ways to connect deeper with those loved ones and friends. I am looking forward now, with more clarity on what is important to me and the new life I intend to build with my future husband. 💗
    • Reply
  • Donna
    Savvy July 2021
    Donna ·
    • Flag
    Brittany,


    I too have depression from 29 years of chronic back pain have degenerated disc disease caused from having my second daughter 29 years ago. I would suggest find something you like doing like word search or read a romantic book. When I brought new baby home could not walk some days had to crawl with a 4 yr old also to take care of and worked full time
    Don’t be so hard on your self and appreciate the love your FH is so giving in so many ways. A wedding doesn’t have to go by the book and please don’t push people away when you need them most right now. In 2012 I was rear ended and my head hit rear view mirror so have permanent brain injury. It has taken me long time for my brain to heal some. Not sure if your religious or not but I prayed to god to find a nice honest man for me to accept me as I am. On January 1st 2018 he answered me as I met my fiancé and felt being surrounded by god pushing me to have him like-he was the one it was so magical feeling that I have never experienced before. This will be my 3rd husband but the only one who truly loves me. I was verbally abused for 18 years by my daughters father and second one cheated on me neither willing to help with back pain etc.
    I could of just given up with both things wrong with me, but I kept trying to see things would get better down the road.
    I know it’s hard to see as your going through a lot right now, but you have such a life in front of you and are so lucky
    Donna
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  • Donna
    Savvy July 2021
    Donna ·
    • Flag
    My back procedure was suppose to be March 19th that got cancelled and my shoulder injection April 21st got cancelled and rescheduled July 28th. Both to help me handle standing in heels during the wedding. Now doing online school with 6 yr old granddaughter with her teacher is hurting my low back and shoulder so badly. I’m still trying to get over the Covid 19. I’m not contagious anymore but still fatigued and sinus issues that make me so tired and not feel good. Donna
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