Maid of honour won't speak to me

Is there a reason you picked your maid of honor 3+ years before the wedding? Whomever you choose should be a current super close, supportive person in your life. Since she is unable and unwilling, it sounds like letting her drop out is best. Don’t ask anyone before 6 months before the wedding. Sometimes siblings are not a proper choice to be bridesmaids or groomsmen. Do you have a best friend who can be your maid of honor? The only responsibility they have is buy a dress of your choice and show up on the wedding day to support you.

View Quoted Comment I picked them 1 year out, but had always wanted that since we were kids. I can completely, and especially in hindsight, see the value in your advice but didn’t think about it at the time as we’ve always been so super close and we’re family so while I didn’t expect the most amazing MOH in history I did expect that they’d talk to me and maybe see me once in a while. We saw each other at Christmas and that was it in the last 6 months. My best friend is one of the bridesmaids, and doing a wonderful job, I’ve spoken to them and don’t feel there’s a need to promote anyone which they agree is not needed.

Normally I would advocate for doing everything to avoid to demote a bridal party member or asking them to step down, but in this circumstance, I think it is wholly warranted and would probably be the best way to resolve any issues before the wedding dawns upon you, particularly how rouge this sibling seems to be.

I would reach out to this sibling and just ask them, in light of all the issues they take with you, whether they still want to be involved in your bridal party and that all you want is for everyone to be happy but that they need to give you a clear indication on whether or not they wish to be involved on the day or would rather step down.

Good luck OP!

View Quoted Comment I have asked them if they want the role in recent weeks and the message 2 months ago discusses the option of them stepping back from the perspective of that being okay if that’s what they feel is best. I have not received a response. Mother did take it upon herself to ask and got a ‘yes of course I want to be the MOH’ which I just find confusing at this point. I’m not that bothered if they did want to pull out but I feel backed into a corner where I have to kick them out.

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Mmm I hear you.

It might lead to unwanted confrontation but if it were me I would be upfront with them and basically put them on notice "Look, I always dreamed of having you as my MOH but you don't seem to want to even talk to me and have previously aired your issues you have with me. If you'd like to be involved in my wedding still, I would love that but I really need to have some sort of communication from you so I actually know what is going on and whether or not you want to be involved".

View Quoted Comment Yeah, totally right. I’ve said this via messages almost exactly as they won’t meet me. Next choice is go bang the door down. Thanks

It honestly sounds like your sibling has already made the choice to not be a participant, regardless of what they've told your mother. I would send them a really heartfelt message and explain that you can no longer allow them to be part of your day in this capacity because of the fallout of your relationship. Explain to them how their actions have hurt you, and also take responsibility for anything you may have done in this time period to hurt them. Let them know that having them present at the wedding would mean so much to you, but that it is probably better for your relationship, their mental health, and yours, for them to step down. Choose someone else, and then I guess if they truly arent reading or responding to your messages they will show up on your day and be confronted with a really tough conversation. I would make sure one of your other trusted bridesmaids or close friends is fully aware of the situation so they can be a support to you and help you through this tough time.

Im so sorry youre going through so much difficulty with your family so close to your wedding. I really hope everything works out for the best and that you can still have a meaningful and special day with your sibling even if they can no longer be MOH.

Edit: I'll also add that mental health issues are valid and I know how absolutely debilitating they can be, but your sibling's mental health issues are not your responsibility. Mental health problems do not absolve you from consequences for your behavior. All that being said, I hope you can mend your bond, but if they cannot step up to the plate for the wedding and have even admitted thats its difficult to love you, they should not be in your wedding party.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your kind response. I would describe it not so much as my sibling has chosen to not participate rather, from they’re perspective, they are the victim of a situation where it makes it impossible to participate and i as the bride and big sister am responsible for that situation. I realise that’s not my fault but it’s why they’re behaving this way. The day will be wonderful, my partner and I are very happy - I’m just annoyed and embarrassed it’s my family pulling the crap and hoping to get through my grief now and not in three weeks.