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Amanda
Savvy September 2019

Maid of Honor

Amanda, on July 12, 2019 at 9:48 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18
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My sister is my MOH. I had chosen her because she's my best friend and I thought she would be more helpful. However, she has not helped me at all and my FH thinks I should remove her from the position, but i don't want any additional drama so I just stopped asking her for help. Anybody else experience the same things?


18 Comments

Latest activity by D, on July 12, 2019 at 9:32 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag

    It's not her job to help you. That's what your FH is for. He's getting married too, right?

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  • Monique
    Master December 2019
    Monique ·
    • Flag
    What about asking your other bridesmaids for help? My sister is my maid of honor and in school so she is busy with her classes often. I would not remove her from the position though due to her being busy especially with her being family. I normally ask my other bridesmaids or my mom to help me out.
    • Reply
  • Kiley
    Expert November 2019
    Kiley ·
    • Flag

    In what areas is she not helping you in? My sister is also my MOH and I asked her opinion on things (as well as take with a grain of salt), but aside from that I am unsure as to what she should be "helping me with". Can you provide a few examples?

    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated September 2019
    Teresa ·
    • Flag

    I have not, but only because I chose family members who lived far away and I basically told them that they don't have to do much.

    If I was in your position, i'd do the same thing. Just let it go and ask someone else to help you.

    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Savvy September 2019
    Amanda ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I asked her several times to go try on dresses to make sure that they worked. It ended up not working and it was super last minute. She also said she would help me find makeup and hair options and never did. I ended up doing it myself but my FH was worried about how stressed I was since he is deploying soon and has been away for trainings.

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  • Jess
    Super September 2019
    Jess ·
    • Flag

    Your MOH is there to plan your shower and your bachelorette party if she chooses. She's not there to plan your entire wedding with you. Yes if you ask her opinions she should be there to have input if you want but she's not supposed to be there for every single decision. This is your and FH's wedding not hers therefore majority of the decision should be between you and FH.

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  • S
    Just Said Yes December 2009
    Sheri ·
    • Flag

    Why would you want someone else to find a hair and makeup person FOR you? I wouldn't want to do that either - then if it turns out not to your taste, who will you blame? Me. All aboard the train to Nopeville!

    Listen, the MOH has a life all her own. You get one day to be special. That's it. All the time leading up the wedding? You get to look forward to and plan that one day. She theoretically is there to help you celebrate on that day. That's IT. She wears a dress you picked out and she shows up on time. Beyond that? Its supposed to be an indicate of YOUR regard for HER....not the other way around. Bless.


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  • Amanda
    Savvy September 2019
    Amanda ·
    • Flag

    Thank you for all the responses. I think there was some confusion. She offered to help find make up for the bridal party because my hair and makeup artists were of more expensive taste. And she wanted to try on the dresses before putting it out to the bridal party to make sure they would work. However, she never did any of it or waited until the last minute. And she offered to help with more because I'm not having a bridal shower or bachelorette party. And again, my FH has been away for his military training. Thanks for the support Smiley smile

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  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
    • Flag

    MOH shouldn't really be considered a 'position' it is an 'honor.' It's about who you want to stand next to you the day of. I know a lot of people who's MOH barely helped. My MOH was very, very pregnant and lived in another state! Trust me when I say, planning was weird. Dresses were shared via text pictures, and anything we talked about was over the phone. We even planned on having a rubber ducky decorated in a red dress if she wasn't there to represent the girl who was my matron of honor. Whether she stood next to me or not. We honestly didn't know until the week of the wedding if she was cleared to travel. No matter what though, I couldn't replace her. She's still my best friend in the entire world.

    It's about a 50-50 split on bridal parties that are hyper-involved verses the ones who really are just there the day of. I suggest having a conversation with her so you guys can get on the same page about realistic expectations. That was an ongoing conversation during my planning process. She might have gotten a bit nuts about my frequent check-ins, but she said she also appreciated it. It also gave me peace of mine and know when to call her about wedding planning, and when to call her just to squeal about her having a baby!

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  • Kristal
    Expert February 2020
    Kristal ·
    • Flag

    First & foremost, when you asked her to be your MoH, did you make your expectations clear?

    We cannot assume people will help us. Perhaps it is time to have a conversation with her about your expectations and why those are your expectations, especially going into your wedding. I would say something like "I want to make sure that you know your role for my wedding day." Make sure she's completely okay with all her duties. Since you've already done most of the other planning, that is the most important piece to the puzzle. If she is willing/ready to do the rest and understands that she is supposed to do so, theres no reason to remove her. If she objects to doing something you have set for her for the day or the time in between, you can evaluate based on that. Also she should not be the only person expected to help you.

    When I asked mine, I didn't really make any expectations clear as I didn't have any. She took it upon herself to do so and book us a room for the night before the wedding. She is also planning specifics on the bachelorette but I set the "we will do this on this evening" parameters at her request. I didn't plan on her doing the work but i'm grateful she is. On the other hand, I did not go into this expecting her to do so. If i had, I would have made that clear at the beginning.

    Past that, she wanted to go dress shopping with me. I'm not making my girls have specific hair and nails but if i were, I'd have definitely said so when I asked her.

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  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    I see this all the time. A bride comes on here and complains that her MOH isn't doing enough to help, and suddenly a whole lot of comments come in chastising the bride for expecting too much, and telling her to plan her own wedding.

    I'm trying to read between the lines here. It seems to me that this bride didn't have unrealistic expectations for her wedding and the planning. It seems to me that this MOH offered to help, and is now dropping the ball.

    If MOH had said to her, gee I'm so sorry I'm so busy I won't be able to give you much help at all, then Amanda would have done these things for herself. But when someone you love and trust offers their help or assistance, and you take them up on that help, are you not allowed to be disappointed when they flake? That's just wrong.

    Yes, it's Amanda's wedding. Yes, the only real job of an MOH is to buy the dress and stand up on the day.

    However, I'm on Amanda's side here. She explained that her HMUA was pricey, so it sounds like the girls are looking to do their own makeup, which is totally fine. So, MOH offers to get what they need. If I was the bride in that situation, I would definitely take her up on that help. So, now that MOH has dropped the ball, and bride is mad, you guys want to rag on her about how wrong or misplaced her expectations are? Nope. Sorry. Not buying it.

    Amanda, I'm sorry you're not able to count on your MOH like you thought you could. I'm sure that's a huge disappointment, not only in terms of your wedding, but also for your friendship. Hopefully, the two of you can move on, and this won't hurt your friendship too much. I think the best thing you can do is to keep planning as if you don't have any help. That way, if MOH does come through with some help, it will be more of a bonus than anything else. You don't want to trash your friendship (or your relationship as sisters) over this.

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  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    It's no one's job but your fiancé to help you with anything related to your wedding. If they offer that's great, but if not - they're not doing anything wrong.

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  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    This is the point that OP is making. This MOH (her sister) offered to do all these things, and is now flaking on the job. It's just adding more stress to the OP, who probably would have taken care of this stuff on her own if not for MOHs OFFER.

    I would be upset too, if my sister offered to handle certain tasks, then didn't get it done.

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  • L
    Lady ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Then just use your words and communicate with her. Kicking her out is ridiculous bc these are all things OP would have/should have done regardless of the sister. Be annoyed, sure, but move on. This is not a big deal.

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately, all your bridal party needs to do is buy the right dress and stand with you the day of. Being a MOH or BM isn't a job, so they can't be "fired". I know it must hurt that your sister is flaking on you and going back on her word! I think keeping her as MOH is the right thing to do, but definitely have an honest discussion about how her behavior has hurt you!

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  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    That really sucks that your sister isn't following through on what she volunteered to do! Especially when your fiance is deployed.
    I'm not sure kicking her out is the right solution, it tends to leave a lot of bad blood. I'd suggest just talking with her and saying
    Hey I understand you're busy but I need to know from now on if you're going to have trouble helping me because wedding planning has a lot of deadlines I don't want to miss, I hope we can work on better scheduling together for (insert activity here).
    And just see where it goes. Remember she's your sister and not a professional so she might just not be that helpful. You could see if any other bridesmaids want to help out too.
    • Reply
  • Paula
    Super September 2019
    Paula ·
    • Flag

    My sister is my MOH but I haven't asked her for help for anything as me & my FH are doing all the planning. The thing with her that is completely frustrating is she has not purchased her dress or shoes yet. But I know she has 3 young kids and a husband and is super busy.

    • Reply
  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
    • Flag
    Everyone has an opinion about what is expected of the wedding party.

    You need her to help. Tell her you need it. Being candid with people goes a long way. Asking others for help is ok. Yes some will tell you "no" and it's important they can without being told off. It doesn't seem you are requesting a ridiculous amount of things. See if another BM can help with one task and another BM with a different short task.
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