Maid of Honor Withdrawal

She said that she hopes this doesn't hurt me. But shouldn't I be hurt. We have less than 3 months and the dresses have already been ordered. I didn't even respond to the text.

I can't even imagine what it would feel like to stand up in a wedding after losing my husband, let alone for someone who doesn't care to understand.

Why would you "joke around" about someone losing their husband and being lonely? Especially when this person has confided in you about their feelings? I think that you need to respect her wishes. If she can't stand for you because doing so is affecting her negatively, you need to accept that and let her step down - without any hard feelings. And also maybe be more conscientious of her feelings in the future is she is as important to you as you say she is.

It's not that I don't understand I love and care about her. I have been there with her through it all. I just feel hurt too. Because I asked in the beginning if it would be too hard and she convinced me that it would be ok. And then the back and forth started.

She was joking about it first, it was a group of us and we were all joking around. I would never ever do anything to hurt her intentionally

If you joked about me being lonely after losing my husband I'd do more than back out, and you'd be a whole different type of hurt. Like pick your teeth off the ground hurt. If you care about someone as much as you claim to do then why the fuck would you joke about her being lonely like that?

I think you shouldn't make this any more about you. You pulled a dick move and now have to deal with the consequences.

This is very tough, Andrea, and since we have all said things we regret at times, I do feel for you. But no, you should not be hurt. The grief of losing a husband would be monumental, and to stand up after that in a wedding--a celebration of romantic love (among other things, but that's the aspect of it she is going to feel most accutely)--could easily feel crushing. A simple joke about loneliness would be more than enough to nail the coffin shut in such a precarious place of pain. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do about this except be understanding and respect her wishes with grace and no hard feelings.

ETA for clarity.

So instead of reflecting on your insensitive behavior, you are feeling sorry for yourself? Your niece didn't do you wrong. She's having a very understandable reaction to your behavior. Hopefully you will learn something from this.

When she stated it would be better for someone else to be the MOH you should have told her ok. Or you could have said I don't want anyone else to be MOH but I hope you still want to be a part of the wedding and if you don't I will understand. After losing a husband and then breaking up with someone you should be more than accommodating and understanding. Ignoring her text is probably making her feel even more lonely.

You have the right to feel however you need to feel, but so does she. I believe that you care a lot about her, but your comment was really insensitive. You've acknowledged that so no sense in beating you over the head with it. This is just something you're going to have to deal with and decide how much damage you want it to cause to the friendship between you. Have one of your other girls step into her role, or don't identify an MOH at all. I'm not in my bridal party. This is an opportunity for you to be able to think things through a little more before saying them. This is your sword, you've got to fall on it, not her.

@Melissa I did say all of that and I am truly sorry for what I said to her even though in was just in joking. The last time we spoke about the situation and we cleared everything up I asked her if it would be too much and she said no that she could handle it. Just Friday she told me she couldn't wait for us to be partying for it. I have been extremely understanding and have bent over backwards to make sure she was happy. Even offered to let someone else share the role so it would be a burden to her. And she told me no. It's been so back and forth I really don't know how to feel and I'm really not trying to make it about me but yes I do feel hurt too.

How long after her husband died did she start the 2 year relationship?

@Laura a little over a year

I don't think this has anything to do with you mentioning her being lonely.

trust me, I'm on your side and don't think her stepping out is the right thing, if she didn't want to be MOH, then she should have flat out said 'this isn't going to work out for me' vs beating around the bush that 'maybe someone else should'. and like you mentioned you did ask her if she wanted someone to share the role and she said no-

I think she's using the whole 'I'm very hurt ' thing as a reason to get out of it since she didn't have the guts to tell you she needed/wanted out before hand.

my MOH backed out about a month before the wedding and I lost track how many times I asked her if it was all going to work for her. even though I'd known her for over 30 years, she apparently has a pattern I wasn't aware of.(we grew up in different towns) she accepts invitations and things, then finds 'good reason she's sure you will understand' to back out and tells said person at the last minute. Or she stands them up and finds some reason for it. so it all looks like something that was 'beyond her control' instead of just saying it won't work for her in the first place.

I'm sorry this happened, it stinks - if she paid for her dress, her loss. if she didn't, I hope she's going to reimburse you. one reason why I've suggested to friends to not pick up the tabs for the BM dresses for the weddings. reimburse them afterwards if you want, but I wouldn't pay up front myself. I've seen too many times where the price of the dress was a alleged reason for not being in the wedding, then the BM still backs out after someone else pays for it.

hang in there- weddings are full of unexpected surprises good and bad. try to focus on the good! I'm sure there are many great things happening!

Thank you ladies for your constructive responses. I really am truly sorry for saying what I said and yes @StichingBride I really think it's more. This is someone that I truly love and would never hurt. I even paid for reception hall when she was getting married. She is more like my daughter than my niece.

I would have withdrawn as well and you should have replied to her text with another apology for your insensitivity and telling her you understand and respect her decision.

It sounds like she was uncomfortable with it from the start, and your joke probably just pushed her over the edge. I would respond nicely to her request to drop out of the wedding, apologize (if you haven't done so) and give her some space. Who knows, she may come around before the wedding.