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Gabrielle
Beginner June 2021

Maid-of-honor regret

Gabrielle, on May 24, 2021 at 3:33 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18
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So I’ll try to keep this short. I’m 34 days away from my wedding day and in recent weeks, I’ve been having some serious regret about asking my one friend to be my MOH. Ever since February, almost every interaction regarding wedding planning with her has gone awry because she misinterpreted some questions I asked about the Bach party as me not trusting her and my sister (my other MOH) to plan a party that I love (I simply asked where the Bach party would be and if invitations would be sent out). To be fair, I’m very type A and like things a certain way and the way I like them. However, the most recent scuffle we had tonight has me really questioning my decision of her being my MOH. It almost seems and feels like anytime she even remotely is given any responsibility over something, she expects full control and doesn’t see a need to keep me in the loop and that I should just trust her. But as the bride, I feel like I have every right to be kept in the loop and be informed or have ideas ran by me when it pertains specifically to the wedding. Am I wrong? At this point, I’m seriously contemplating informing her that I think it’s best that she no longer holds the role of MOH but that I still want her standing next to me as one of my bridesmaids on the big day. To put it bluntly, I’ve been trying my hardest not to be a bridezilla towards anyone (and have even asked my other members of my party if I was coming across that way) but I legitimately feel that she is being a total maidzilla and wanting total control over things that she doesn’t need or should not have total control over. Please help!

18 Comments

Latest activity by Kari, on May 25, 2021 at 11:32 AM
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    You really shouldn't be involved in planning your bachelorette party so I could understand why she might be annoyed that you are questioning the plans for it. As for the wedding, she shouldn't be trying to take control of anything. But if you ask her to step down as MOH that could very well be a friendship ending move. If it were me, I would let your sister and friend plan the bachelorette without any further questions and try to get through the next 34 days with her as your MOH.
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  • Catherine
    Expert March 2023
    Catherine ·
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    Asking her to step down as your maid of honor would completely end your friendship. She probably would refuse to stand as a bridesmaid, so if that’s a risk you’re willing to take, go for it. As for your bachelorette party, you shouldn’t have had any planning in that at all, so she was probably right in feeling like you didn’t trust her. If you’re asking her to do things and then not trusting her to do them, stop asking her to do things and 1) do them yourself or 2) ask someone who is going to do them exactly how you want them done.
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  • F
    Expert April 2022
    Fred ·
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    You shouldn't be involved in planning the bachelorette but there's nothing wrong with the fact of being kept in the loop... as long as it's out of curiosity only and you don't try to force (or even suggest) her her to include things if she doesn't want.

    However, there are 3 topics you should have a say in: The date, the location and the duration of the event.

    1 The date for an obvious reason ...

    2 The location because you might want a 'destination bachelorette' and the MOH might want a local party or... vice-versa!

    3 The duration coz a bach can be an hour only or up to 1 week (especially for a destination bach.).

    However: the activities should be her(and bridesmaids') territory coz the bill is typically shared by them , so this subject should be discussed by them only.

    She's not a maidzilla for wanting the full control over the bach because this his her 'baby' but I'm not sure why she doesn't want to share at least some basic infos.

    I'm 100% sure she won't stand next to you as a bridesmaid if you kick her out from the MOH role.

    What do you mean by "wanting total control over things that she doesn’t need or should not have total control over" : are you talking about the bach only or about your wedding itself?

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  • C
    Savvy August 2023
    Carol ·
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    Bach party is always handled by your MOH, and you need to put your complete trust in them as it has been always like that. Though, I agree they should step out with your plans regarding the wedding.

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  • Evelyn
    Just Said Yes August 2021
    Evelyn ·
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    You can always have more than one MOG just change the responsibility from one person to the other that you will feel that will get the job done and the way you want. All should understand its your day not theirs! Good Luck and currently I don't have that problem but I have 3 MOH's ans they all have different roles regarding the wedding.
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  • C
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
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    If you demote her, it’s a friendship ender. You’re so close, nothing sounds *that* bad. Just keep things as is. Maybe you are overstepping.
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  • Janet
    Expert October 2018
    Janet ·
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    Are you really wanting to end a friendship over an optional pre wedding party?

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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    It’s just a bachelorette party and definitely nothing to end a friendship over (yes, that’s quite bridezilla-ish and also feels a bit juvenile). So sit back, let go and gratefully enjoy whatever it is that they planned in celebration of you and your marriage. Otherwise, cancel it now so that they don’t waste their time, energy and money on something you won’t appreciate.
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  • L
    Lady ·
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    You should not be involved in planning your bach party at all. She doesn't even need to plan you one. Youre overreacting for sure.

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  • Angie
    Dedicated June 2021
    Angie ·
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    I think if the bride wants to be involved in planning any of the activities, then that is her choice and the bridesmaids and MOH should respect that and include her. I can be type A myself and had to step back and let go of some of the control, but was still included in some of the planning and decisions for my bachelorette and bridal shower. Friends should be understanding, but I don't know if it's a reason to ask her to step down at this point. Think about if you want to remain friends and how this might affect the bigger picture in your life.

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  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    Agree. This stuff doesn't matter and people need to stop ruining friendships over it.
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  • Gabrielle
    Beginner June 2021
    Gabrielle ·
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    Thank you for all your replies. I know I wrote this making it seem like I want more to do with the bach party. I don't. I just wanted to know where we were going and if invitations were being sent out and she flat out told me that I would know the location on the day we would depart (Which was a big red flag for me). Other than that, I've let my two MOHs take the reins and run with them in terms of the party itself. I have no idea what they have planned and thats okay with me. I want to be surprised, I just felt that as the bride, I at least deserved to know the general location/destination way before the day of departure. The issues is more in regards to like wedding planning things. I have not asked her to assist with anything, It's more that she has kind of budged in and taken over jobs like sending out an additional mailing regarding COVID guidelines and designing the card box (which are miniscule things I know) without me asking her to do so and when I have asked about her ideas for each, She has told me off and said not to worry about it. It's just frustrating. I'm still not sure what to do. I think I'm not going to ask, per say, but I will leave it up to her to decide. We're already not on good terms currently. so We'll see. Thanks again for the input everyone.

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  • Elizabeth
    Dedicated November 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    OK based on all of this, you’re not out of line, she is. She sent an additional mailing to whom? The BP / your other BMs or your guests? I could see if she had all the BMs contact info and wanted to reach out
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  • Elizabeth
    Dedicated November 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    Sorry, hit reply too soon but was going to say it makes sense if she was contacting the BMs about COVID guidelines for an event she had planned, just hope she wasn’t contacting your other guests without running it by you. Stepping in to just handle random wedding details and refusing to tell you how she’s handling them is also odd and not something I’d ever put up with. I wouldn’t “demote” her (friendship ending as others have said), but where the actual wedding is concerned I’d politely and firmly say something like “I appreciate your help and I’m sorry if we had a miscommunication but I’ve already got (X) handled.”


    And for the bachelorette party, I agree it’s odd you can’t even know the general destination and rude of her to shut you down like that. I would again say something like “I appreciate all you’re doing, but I’m uncomfortable going on a trip to a complete surprise destination, can you at least give me a general sense of location so I can plan for weather, etc.?”
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  • J
    Judith ·
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    The shower, and the bachelorette, are usually given in honor of the bride. Unless you are planning your own bachelorette and paying every penny for everybody as the host ( which you may do). you are not a host, any more than your bridesmaids or MOG are hosts of your wedding. And we all know how miserable it is when people who are not hosts stick their noses in, without being asked their opinion. It may be your wedding. But if others are hosting your parties in your honor, those people are the hosts. And it is both rude step in on other hosts, and gift grabby to to work on a party to gather you gifts ( shower) or a batcheLorette in your honor, if not asked. Your wedding, but you are not host.
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  • F
    Expert April 2022
    Fred ·
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    I

    Based on this, I wouldn't ask her, she's definitely out of line by doing these things behind your back. She should at least ask you if she can do this or that.

    You are 33 days out and you're not on good terms with her currently. I think you should make a decision right now (or ask her what she wants right now because you said you want to leave it up to her), I mean: don't wait untill the rehearsal to know if she's still your MOH...

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  • Angie
    Dedicated June 2021
    Angie ·
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    Traditionally speaking, sure. But times have changed and so have weddings. Modern brides like to be involved and I don’t see anything wrong with that. As long as they aren’t being demanding bridezillas or asking for more than the bridal party can afford I don’t see a problem with it. Every wedding I’ve been a part of, the bride was involved with planning her bachelorette and sometimes also the shower. I don’t think it’s rude. It’s nice knowing the bride will enjoy her wedding activities and that you are on the same page.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    I can understand your frustration. I feel like asking about destination for your bachelorette is within reason, asking if she is going to send out invites is a bit controlling and suggests she doesn't know what she's doing or you don't trust her to do it correctly. As far as the bachelorette is concerned, I think a little leeway and ambiguity in navigating that dynamic should be expected. I think the idea that the person being honored gets almost no say in what happens just because someone hosting is a bunch of hogwash. The only time that should ever be considered acceptable at all is for a funeral.

    As for her doing other things you haven't asked her to do, maybe you just need to have a frank conversation with her that those efforts are NOT helpful and are actually frustrating you. She very well might just think she's helping you out. Give her clear expectations of what you want from her (plan my bachelorette, wear the dress on the day, show up 2 hours early to get ready with me, hold my bouquet and help me with my bustle) and let her know her being involved beyond that is not needed and actually creates a stressful situation.


    With 34 days to go, I think you just tough out the situation and get yourself to the finish line. Demoting your MOH is most likely friendship-ending move, and it sounds like most of the issues surrounding your friend have to do with the wedding itself and nothing to do with your friendship. If your MOH wasn't supporting you in any way or was treating you horribly, then the friendship itself would be in jeopardy, but just her overstepping and trying to help you too much isn't really worth ruining a friendship over, IMO.

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