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Deja
Just Said Yes July 2021

Maid of Honor not helping with planning

Deja, on March 29, 2021 at 1:04 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 30
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My maid of honor is my best friend and has been for over 15 years. But I’m really having a hard time. I asked her to be my maid of honor because I value her opinion and want her to help with things. She hasn’t offered to help and when I asked she acted like I was being weird for needing help with anything. I’ve also been trying to get her to buy the dress for a month and she just keeps sending me other dresses. I let her pick one from a list I made. I feel like there is so much tension and she just says she doesn’t have time for me, But she has all the time for everyone else it seems like. In the end I’m just really hurt and don’t know what to do. Advice?

30 Comments

Latest activity by Grace, on April 26, 2021 at 12:31 PM
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    Your maid of honour is not obligated to help you plan your wedding, not unless she volunteers to, and even then she can turn around and politely decline. As to the dress, I would reach out to her and be direct, be firm that you have reasonably chosen an assortment and that you expect she will select one from the list.

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  • Elizabeth
    Expert June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    Yeah it is weird that you are asking her to help you plan.


    As for the dress, is there any reason she won't pick one from your list? Agree with PP that you can say "this is the list and it's final" and if she doesn't have the dress the day of, she's coming as a guest
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    Assuming you aren’t marrying your maid of honor, it’s not her responsibility to help you plan the wedding. That’s what your future spouse or a wedding planner is for.
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  • Shelly
    Rockstar January 2022
    Shelly ·
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    I think there's a fine line between asking for her opinion, and asking for her to help you plan your wedding. Even then, you should be going to your future spouse for their opinion since you're marrying them! I get wanting to share this special time with her, but it's important to remember that no one will be as excited for your marriage as you are, and that's okay!

    I'd sit her down and ask her if something's been bothering her. Does she have something going on in her life that's been a stress on her? Has she felt like something's changed between you two? Talking to her and letting her know how you feel BUT also showing that you're concerned about her is a good start to figuring out what's wrong.

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  • Ava
    Super May 2022
    Ava ·
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    I do agree with PP, you and your fiancé should be the ones planning your wedding, not your MOH. Giving your best friend that title is simply honorary, it is not an obligation for her to perform tasks for you. Also, there is no need for your bridesmaids to be purchasing their dresses nearly a year and a half out from your wedding. Typically, they order their dresses 3-6 mos out because BM dresses do not take long to arrive, and do not require extensive alterations. Over the next year and a half one of your BM‘s could gain or lose a significant amount of weight or become pregnant. Or you may change your mind about the dresses or the color. I would wait until at least 6 months from your wedding to make any decisions on them.
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  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
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    I totally agree with this!

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  • Elizabeth
    Expert June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    I didn't realize how far away the wedding was. There was no need to pick your MOH this far out, let alone dresses
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  • Alyssa
    Devoted October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    Her wedding is in 4 months, I don't think that's an unreasonable amount of time to ask your friend of 15 years, to be your MOH.


    However I can't imagine my BFF of 15 years not being as excited I am to be in my wedding.
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  • Ava
    Super May 2022
    Ava ·
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    I looked at the date wrong also! I thought it said summer 2022!
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  • Deja
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Deja ·
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    I shouldn’t say I am asking her to help me plan. There are just things I would like her opinion on because my fiancé doesn’t care much when it comes to color of roses or little things like that. It’s just simple things that I always thought she would be part of, like opinions on bridesmaids bouquets. I just would like her to be interested and excited I guess is my main point. Our weeding is a little over 100 days away and we have a lot to plan and I understand she is busy but don’t know how to approach her with our coming off as a “bridezilla” I’ve tried to be very patient and give her space and not over load her.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I'm confused about the title of your post, since it seems like you have ALREADY asked her to be in your bridal party. But as for what to do now, first make sure that the dresses you picked fit within her budget. If they do, I would refer her back to the list of dresses you suggested she choose from, remind her of the deadline for ordering it in time for it to arrive, and then drop it. If she doesn't order the dress in time, she won't get to be in your wedding. Neither of you will benefit from you being on her case about buying her dress.

    As for asking her because you thought she would help you plan your wedding, I agree with PP that that isn't the right reason to ask someone to be your MOH. Reset your expectations to rely on your future spouse and not your friend, and you will be able to finish your wedding planning with much less stress.

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  • Ava
    Super May 2022
    Ava ·
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    I completely misread your wedding date and thought it was in Summer 2022! So yes, she should absolutely be ordering her dress now! On that front, you basically have two options. You could either force her to wear one of the dresses you picked out, knowing she doesn’t like them. Or, you could approve one of the dresses she sent you that she will feel more comfortable in. It’s completely up to you and how important her dress is to you. Personally, it was important for me to ensure all my girls felt comfortable and confident in their dresses, so I am allowing them to pick out their own (in the same color).
    Unfortunately, as excited as us brides are about our big day, and as much as we would hope our besties would be as excited too, that isn’t usually the reality. It doesn’t mean she isn’t happy for you and excited for you, she just isn’t going to be as excited about small details like flowers. I think the best thing you could possibly do is just to manage your expectations. She has proven to you that she is not interested in planning details with you, so I would just move forward expecting her not to be involved in those things. Have you tried bouncing ideas off of any of your other BM‘s or family members? There may be someone else close to you who would enjoy planning those details with you Smiley smile
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  • Deja
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Deja ·
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    Thank you for the advice. I meant to to say unask. And I should’ve give more details when I say asking her for help. I more just have been asking her opinion on simple things like her bouquet. I’ve picked 3 dresses that will be modest for her and are in her budget.
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  • Deja
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Deja ·
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    Thank you for your response! I told her I want her to be confident and feel good about the dress. She’s the one wearing it not me so I want her to feel her best. I’ve even offered to pay for it if she finds one she loves that’s above her budget. I asked her to start looking about a month ago and sent her a few links to look through and to give her some ideas. When I asked her a few days ago if she’d looked she just told me she was to busy so I thought sending her some that where in her budget, the level of modesty she needs to cover garments and the right color I was helping. I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that she’s not available for helping with little details like flowers abd little things I originally thought she would. My other bridesmaids has been wonderful but lives two states away. I think I will just try to keep things more between me those who are already helping me plan like my fiancé, mother-in-law and my mom.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Oh, unask! I don't have any advice for how to do that other than to caution you that kicking your best friend out of your wedding party will likely lead to the friendship ending. Please think about this very, very carefully before you do anything you'll regret.

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  • Deja
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Deja ·
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    I should’ve worded that differently and just said opinions on simple things like her bouquet and simple things my fiancé doesn’t care about. Thank you for your advice though I appreciate it!
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  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    How often are you asking her opinion on things? Do you talk to her about things other than your wedding? As excited as our friends are for us, it's not their wedding, and some people just don't want to be involved in helping you choose your flowers. That doesn't mean she is any less excited for you or loves you any less.
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  • Vicky
    Super January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    But she may also not care about those things.

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  • Fred (Frédolino)
    Expert April 2022
    Fred (Frédolino) ·
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    Agree with Kristin,Vicky.GOOD point!

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  • Chawanda
    Savvy March 2022
    Chawanda ·
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    I totally agree with your comment. If she's been your best friend for 15 years, you would expect her to be one person who'd be most excited for this new chapter in your life. It sounds like there are some hidden issues concerning your friendship. I would try talking to her. If YOU don't feel the conversation went well or not resolved the tension, it might be a great idea to modify your selection of MOH. I lost my best friend the day I got engaged. I've come to realize that not everyone is truly happy for me. Best of luck to you. Congratulations to you, your new husband, and your future together!!!

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