Maid of Honor not doing her job?? How do i address this?

I would be straightforward about it in terms of asking her if there's something going on with her in which she can't be more involved?

i felt this way with my bridesmaids and i just told them and they shared with me their current personal struggles. so that made me realize you know there's a lot they got going on and it can make it hard to focus on things outside of what they're going thru.

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That's very true. I do know that she works a lot and she does have a family to take care of. I just would have thought she would have been more involved seeing all that I did to help her during her time. It's stressful planning a wedding when my wife and I are already separated due to the military and having out wedding in a totally different state then where we both are located. I could use all the help or at least be reassured that I have help from my girls.

Were you clear on your expectations before you asked her? Honestly there is nothing a maid of honor or any bridesmaid is required to do beyond purchasing a dress and showing up on the wedding day to support you. Wedding planning is strictly for you and fiancé, not parents not bridesmaids. Pre wedding parties are optional and not everyone knows what traditional “duties” are if they have not been informed ahead of time.

Wedding's aren't tit for tat. It's nice that you helped her a lot, but it doesn't obligate her to do the same. Life happens, and people have other commitments. In truth, there are no real duties/jobs associated with being in someone's wedding. Sounds like your expectations are higher than what she can provide. My concern is for your friendship. There are so many stories here about this situation causing a rift in relationships.

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I second this.

My advice is don't do anything because there isn't anything that needs to be done. She isn't an employee under-performing in her "job" - she is a friend who either doesn't have the time or ability to meet your expectations or doesn't realise the expectations you have of her.

Focus on how appreciative you are of your friend and that you get to have her by your side on the big day

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I think what is striking about these types of situations is that sometimes his brides were not often clear as to what our expectations are or what our needs are. I think we naturally assume that they should know. While Maid of Honors are not required to help with planning, I would assume that it should naturally occur to anyone in the bridal party to ask how they can help. Perhaps you can just talk to her straightforward and tell her that you really need some help and if she could assist you with certain parts of the planning and also let her know that while not required it would mean the world to you.

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I agree with this. I haven't been to any weddings where they expect the MOH/bridesmaids to do anything except help plan the bachelorette, buying a dress, and standing next to them. Did she know your expectations?

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All of this. She's not your employee, she's your friend. You already said you know she's busy. Just be appreciative that she wants to be there to celebrate your love!

I agree with everyone but I can't say it doesn't sting a little when you've put so much effort towards someone and they don't reciprocate at all, so I understand feeling a little hurt. But I don't think you should do anything about it. I think you should carry on planning with your fiancé and lean on your other MOH when appropriate.

100% agreeing with everyone here. I’m always shocked to see how much people expect out of their MOH and bridesmaids. I’d never expect them to be responsible for any planning of my wedding as they have lives and they’re my friends, not people I hired

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Agree. As others have said she is not required to do anything beyond getting her dress and showing up the day of (though in my circle everyone still assumes the MOH will plan a shower and bachelorette party). So I wouldn't say anything to her, though I do think it would be OK to let her know about any fun wedding-related things you're doing (like dress shopping) and invite her to join, even if virtually - a lot of people got pretty creative with this stuff during the pandemic! Just make sure it's clear these things are not "required" and you'll understand if she can't participate. It may be that she's too busy, or isn't into weddings in general, or has something going on that makes it tough to think about weddings (I've been a bridesmaid while going through a breakup with a boyfriend, for example - NOT fun). Regardless of the reason, she doesn't need to be super into your wedding right now or be involved in planning in order to be there for you on your big day, and that's what being MOH is really about.

This might be controversial to say here, but I'll add that if you feel like you're going to miss out on experiences you thought you'd have like the pre-wedding parties because she hasn't offered to plan any of that, that does suck, especially if these events are common in your circle and you've always attended them for other brides. But my guess is if that's the case, some friend or family member will eventually ask you what's being planned and if you tell them there is no plan, they may offer to host something for you. There's no law that only a MOH can do that stuff for you - I had a few people offer to throw showers for me. But maybe your other MOH is already taking care of these things - in which case, nothing to worry about!