Maid of honor mia

I should say that I don't want to demote her. But i know her, there is a good chance that she won't be able to be there. If she does make it we still have to figure out a dress for her. How do you have a backup plan without looking like a dick.

Do you have other bridesmaids that can also be there and help you out? I hate to tell you this but definitely have a back-up plan because years ago when I was a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding I probably stepped it up a little bit more than the maid of honor close to the wedding. The maid of honor showed up the day before the wedding while I who was a bridesmaid was there the night before to go to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner because the maid of honor and wanted to buy the cheapest plane ticket she could buy even though she made more money than the bride and I. So if you're already having doubts that she may not fulfill her Duty maybe there is another bridesmaid you feel a little close to that you can kind of say hey if anything happens can I delegate some assistance to you like walking down the aisle or whatever like that. The only upside is that you might be almost giving maid of honor duties to someone you didn't make a maid of honor and I don't know how they will feel about that but hopefully that bridesmaid will be understanding and just step it up or you could ask your mother to do it that's a possibility. Hopefully she will stick to what she promised to do and be there for you but if you're already having doubts that she may not then have a back-up plan. Hope it all works out for you.

She doesn't need to help with planning. That's not her job.


If you're worried she won't even be able to show up for the wedding itself, you need to tell her it's too much stress for you having her so far away, you still love her, but for piece of mind you're going to ask someone else.

While it isn’t “her job”, if the bride and MOH have spoken and they agreed to do planning together then it does stand to reason that the bride is upset about her not being around. And even if they didn’t I think the majority of ladies, and gents, on here think that the MOH at least will hell plan and join in on the fun of doing so. And they isn’t wrong of them........


Anyway, be honest with her and tell her that her recent move and ambivalence about coming and when, or helping, is causing you unneeded and unwanted stress. Ask her if she can book her ticket by “X” date and if she doesn’t then she will not be able to be in the wedding, you just can’t do the wishy-washy anymore. Hopefully she’ll understand and be there for you. But, if not, at least you know.

Personal note: my Former MOH, who HAD agreed to help plan- but hated 99% of anything I wanted for MY wedding- married her former high school sweetie- who was an abusive as* then and an even more controlling one now- and moved across the country. After her hatefulness and demanding that SHE wear and ivory coloured dress( hello! Mine is ivory and silver!) I told her that she could come as a guest but I didn’t want her as my MOH. The friendship is over & I am more relieved than anything else!

Best of luck!!!

I would trust her. People move all the time and she can't stop her life for your wedding. At the end of the day, their needs must be met first before yours. Has she let you down and been flakey before? Is there a reason you don't trust her? Look at her track record..if she has been a great friend then breath!!!

My Maid of Honor and Bridesmaid both live 3,000 miles away from me. I’m the one who moved away, but I can’t imagine asking anyone else to stand beside me on my big day. I bounce ideas off of my MoH in Facebook messenger, and she told me she plans to come out a little early (if you have to fly to a wedding, you might as well). But my only expectation of either of them is to get a dress in the right color and stand beside on my big day.


While I understand why you’re upset, if she hasn’t shown herself to be untrustworthy or unreliable in the past, I’d believe her when she promises something. Your wedding is one day out of her life, while moving and living her life is everything. Unfortunately life doesn’t stop when we’re getting married. It’ll be ok.

It’s not her job to help you plan. Attending a rehearsal also isn’t a requirement. As long as she’s there for the wedding, she’s fulfilled her role.

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I see what people are saying but it is pretty much assumed that when you accept being a bridesmaid or MOH more is expected of you rather than just show up on the day of and stand beside you. It is kind of expected unless in the case of a major emergency they are there for the rehearsal and other major events for a bride. I can agree to maybe make that clear up front but any time I have been an BM I never thought I just show up the day of and I made myself avail for the important events and helped with them (bridal shower, bachelorette, etc...). Planning is more on you and your FH in regards to the wedding but it is not bad to expect her to be there for the other events. In many cases it is the MOH along with the bridesmaids that throw the bachelorette festivities or help in some way. I can agree with what someone else said that if she has not been flaky in the past then maybe do not worry but if you are concerned about her because you know her better than any of us maybe at least two weeks out just nicely check up if she has her plane ticket confirmed and all and if not then ask her is she still able to come and help.

I think you’re stressed about something that may or may not happen. If you trust her, let her figure it out. If not, tell her that you’d feel more comfortable if she just attended as a guest. She can still give you her opinions with things, but PLANNING the wedding with you isn’t her job.

Have a back up plan. I luckily asked two of my friends to be co-MoH and one of them flakes out even after I’d bought her dress, paid for her accommodation, hair and make up, and she was never a flaky friend before that. It’s really sad when it happens but unfortunately it does and it sounds like you already know what might happen. Perhaps say to her that you still want her to me MoH, but you’ll be asking X to Co-MoH as she’s out of town? That way you’re rewarding whoever has to step up but that also shouldn’t offend her - if it does, it’s telling...

I’m not sure what you’re expecting from her? She said she’ll be there for the wedding. A rehearsal wouldn’t take more than 5 minutes and should be done the day before the wedding... my MOH and 1 of my bridesmaids live across the country and everything was fine...

Remember, she is an adult. It's her responsibility to get there for the wedding. I don't know if it's just stress related on your part from her not being there or what. People move all the time for different reasons. While I also share the opinion of MOH and Bridesmaids are not your wedding planners, she can help you plan over the phone, email, skype, etc. She doesn't have to be there in person for that.

Your post insinuates that because she is not within driving distance she should just not be in the wedding, which I think is unfair; especially if she is supposed to be your best friend.