Maid of Honor issues

Well first is your bridal parties only job is to buy the dress and show up. The parties like bridal shower is not something they have to do. It is nice and fun but something that is not mandatory. If your bridal party wants to help more and be involved then that is awesome!

Next I am sorry that she is saying awful things. To me she does not seem to be a very good friend if she is talking about your FH badly! It makes it even worse she is saying to your FSIL.

I am not sure what to do about confronting her. Maybe other people on here will have more advice on that. But everyone will tell you that your bridal party only has one job, that is to buy the dress and show up!

Well to start with her only "duty" is to show up on the day of with her dress purchased and walk down the aisle fairly sober.

No one is required to throw you a shower or a Bach party. Those are optional activities that ANY one could have thrown you. It's not solely her responsibility. Someone who wants to throw you a shower is the person who throws it for you. My mother planned mine because she wants me to have one. I haven't heard about a bachelorette yet and if I don't that'll be disappointing but fine. It's not a requirement.

Have you tried reaching out to her as a friend to see what is going on in her life?? You should call and see if she needs to talk about anything related to HER. Don't make it about you or your wedding or mention what you over heard. Just ask her how she is and if everything is alright.

I'd like to first say that I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes, technically her only job is to wear the dress you chose and be there the day of. However, there's such an expectation nowadays that the MOH plans a bridal shower (with the BP) and throws you a bachelorette party, that I completely understand your disappointment. You only get married for the first time once, and everyone deserves to feel special and have those events if they want them. Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do about that.

She should NOT be trash talking your fiance/your relationship to other people and especially not in front of his sister. Is there a reason you picked this girl as MOH? I agree with the previous posters, maybe ask her what's happening in her life? See if there's something you can help her with. Try to make your feelings clear without attacking her. If your friendship is worth keeping, then you should be able to come to an understanding.

Actually the idea of the MOH hosting the shower in fairly antiquated at this point. It comes from the time when etiquette was strict that the MOB could not host the shower because she was also hosting the wedding and so it generally fell to the MOH. Most people would say nowadays that it doesn't matter who throws the shower so long as you do not throw it yourself. Also that you do not have one if you have not registered for physical items. But those are the only two etiquette rules around showers.

Both showers and bachelorette parties are 100% optional and if no one throws you one you skip it. It might be disappointing but its not a requirement to get married. Also Bach parties are fairly new form the last 20 years or so. It's really not even something very traditional

Well, agree with PPs that she's not obligated to do any of the pre-wedding events, but I'm also not sure I'd want someone as my MOH who openly says I shouldn't be marrying my fiancé. Your MOH should be supportive of your relationship and of your choice in a partner, and if she really felt that way about him, then I'm not sure why she accepted the invitation. I'm not saying to cut her from your bridal party, but I'd want to know more about why she said that stuff. Like I don't think I could just go about my wedding pretending like that never happened, and I wouldn't be satisfied with her just saying "I don't recall". I think you should talk it out with her more. Not the lack of a shower or bach planning, because again she's not obligated to any of that, but just why she said what she said about him not being the right guy for you.

I did say "expected nowadays" instead of "traditionally" or "required to". I was saying that I would be disappointed that my MOH didn't want to participate in those celebrations for me, not because of financial reasons, but because she hated my fiance and thought my relationship was a mistake. I never said she had to plan any sort of party and the OP never mentioned if she registered for items or not. (My parents got married 30 years ago and both had bachelor(ette) parties).

If you aren't paying her, it's not a job. She doesn't have any duties beyond showing up at least mostly sober in a dress you choose.

She isn't obligated to throw you any parties.

As for the comments she made... that's a separate issue.

My point was that its less expected nowadays then it would have been thirty years ago. Since there are no longer strict rules around who can or should throw the shower. It's usually a group effort or a family member nowadays over a MOH or BMs.

Also just because she isn't able to plan or attend doesn't mean she doesn't want to. My MOH lives in Florida bc she is in grad school. Depending on when my mom plans my shower she might not be there. Which is understandable. She lives in another state and travel is expensive. If she cannot afford to come to both then I would understand. THe OP did not say that she felt her backing out of throwing a shower or not being able to give her full attention was due to the comments made during the bach. That's a completely separate issue it seems.

(also jsut because both your parents did that 30 years ago does not mean it was the norm. I just pointed out it wasn't common until recently - not that it never happened)

I agree, and I love the wording "mostly sober." She has not other jobs or duties. You did not hire her.

I agree that as long as the bride/couple aren't the ones who throws the shower and you have a registry, then bridal shower etiquette is pretty fair game. The BM's/her parents/her fiance's parents/a family member probably could have stepped in to help throw the OP a bridal shower if she has a registry.

Whether or not the MOH wanted to throw a bridal shower is unclear, however through context clues I assumed (maybe by mistake?) that the MOH doesn't support the relationship and isn't particularly enthusiastic about hosting parties anyways. She did "minimal planning" for the bachelorette party. It's very nice of your mom to throw you a bridal shower but it seems that the OP doesn't have that option and I was just sympathizing. The comments the MOH made are definitely a problem, although I'm not sure an entirely unrelated one.

PalmTrees - are they still married?

A few years ago, a good friend of mine was getting married. Through the grapevine, she did hear that several of us did feel that she was rushing it a bit and we were unsure about him- but overall we just didn't really know him and were just nervous about our dear friend making a huge commitment. (This was of course before I met FH and understood how sometimes it just happens quickly!) She still invited all of us, but when I tried to hang out with her months later she sent a very long letter to me basically asking "what's the point?" She confronted me about all of it and our friendship fell silent for a year. Eventually... she messaged me about something, and we slowly began speaking again. We were not angry and were able to really talk it all out since time had passed and we both saw the mistakes we had made before. We are back on great terms and I have invited her to my wedding later this year.

The TL;DR version of this is of course- go ahead and confront her. I know it is SO difficult in the moment (I honestly still admire my friend for having the guts to do what she did) but hopefully you can have an open and honest conversation about how she really feels and how you guys can move forward, whether that means having her up next to you or not.

I would maybe talk to her and see how she is feeling too. I almost declined being a MOH two years ago because there was no way I could afford to throw the shower or bachelorette the bride deserved. I tried to talk to the bride's mother about throwing a low budget shower anyway, and she refused to give me a guest list, so what could I do? The bride wouldn't help with addresses either, she kept insisting she didn't want to do any of the planning. I didn't know any of her family to invite. I felt terrible about it and spent months thinking I was the worst MOH. The other two BMs were engaged at the time and refused to help with the bachelorette so it ended up lackluster. Your BM may have less help than you realize. Throwing a shower is weirdly more complicated than you may realize if you aren't a family member and don't even know grandma's name. That being said - I can sympathize. Everyone wants bridal party members who are excited about their big day. Funny enough, the only other time I've been a MOH I couldn't stand the groom. He still hasn't grown on me, but I love that friend and felt standing up was part of my trying to get on board with things.