maid of honor Help!

My MOH wasn't super involved with wedding planning. She asked every so often how it was going, but she works a lot & is super active so not a ton. She planned my bachelorette and bought her bridesmaids dress and wrote her speech, but that was about it.

Her only responsibility as a Maid of Honor is to show up on the day of wearing the dress you picked. She may also hold your bouquet during your ceremony and give a speech if you ask her to at the reception. Otherwise it is not her responsibility to plan your wedding or attend any pre-wedding events.

If you ask her to not be your Maid of Honor anymore that will definitely hurt her feelings, no way around it.

Unfortunately, nobody will be as excited for your wedding as you are. I think lowering your expectations will be the best thing for this situation. Asking her to not be your MOH anymore is going to be really hurtful to your aunt and possibly ruin your relationship permanently. Acknowledge that she has a life outside your wedding and cut her some slack!

Maybe it's just me, but if I was ever a bridesmaid or maid of honor I would at least talk to the bride.

There’s no way to do this without potentially causing hurt feelings. Have you tried calling her? How frequently did you talk before you asked her to be your MOH?

Honestly, I think the way that we all want our MOHs to be, is not the way that most are. TV makes them look so helpful and excited for the wedding and like our own little personal assistant for the wedding planning process. And I'm sure there are some out there like that. But really, the truth is the majority of them are not. I don't think they are intentionally being bad MOHs, I think it just comes down to the fact that no one cares about this day as much as you do and everyone has their own lives too. My MOH is my sister and she hasn't helped with hardly anything so far. She even had an attitude problem the day we went dress shopping and didn't offer a bit of input. Everything she's done so far (getting invites sent out for bridal shower and talking to the other girls about the bachelorette) has been because I've told her I need her to do it. And yes, it's annoying and we want them to care more, but when it comes down to it, their life is more important to them than ours. So your aunt's husband, and kids and clubs will always come first to her. I'm sure she'd be more than willing to help if you told her what you needed. But don't expect her take the initiative. She probably doesn't even realize you need anything done. Also want to say because I seen where you said above "if I was a MOH/bridesmaid I'd at least talk to the bride".... My thoughts on that are that you would because you've now been the bride and know the stress the bride is under. Before planning your own wedding, you might not have been that way. I will say that the only bridesmaid of mine that has consistently talked to me about the wedding and stayed in contact asking if she can help is the one who is also planning her own wedding right now and we are both bridesmaids in each others and talk all the time because we understand what the other is going through. Maybe you just need someone to talk to about wedding stuff. If so, these forums are a great place to do that without annoying people with wedding talk!

My MOH is my cousin who lives in North Carolina while I’m in Florida. We don’t speak often and she’s only expected to do/participate in as much as she can handle with her 2 kids, job, and other responsibilities. It’s time to lower your expectations.

View Quoted Comment This is my belief. My sisters are my co-matrons of honor. I keep them in the loop about things, but I don’t expect them to help planning. They both have busy lives and I’m trying to make it as easy on them as possible.

Yeah I guess it's just hard because I thought she would be as excited about this as I was, at least when I got engaged she was. I have friends that I barely ever talk to and they still message me every now and then asking how wedding planning is going if I need any help they are there, and I didn't even ask them to be a bridesmaid or anything, I guess I just thought the way she is and how she gives everything 110% , i figured this would be something she did too.

My maid of honor was my sister, but she didn't really help with anything. The only bridesmaid that did help was my husband's sister, but she has been a bridesmaid in 10+ weddings and used to work in the wedding industry so she was used to helping. Bridesmaids/maid of honor aren't required to help. Sure it is nice if they do, but it isn't required. I think the media makes it seem like they are so involved and will always be there to lend a hand, but that isn't really the case. It sounds your aunt is just really busy which I assume you knew before you asked her to be your maid of honor so it shouldn't be a surprise that she can't help as much as you might want her to. At the end of the day, the only thing that should matter is that she is standing with you at the alter. If you need more help, ask your fiance as it is his wedding too.

I understand you want the excitement from her, but she's got a family to take care of, a job, her own activities, and on top of all that she's several states away. Add in the fact that your wedding is a year away and it becomes obvious that she's not that excited because she has other priorities that need her attention right now. As Veronica says, your FH should be helping with your (and HIS) wedding.

I think the fact that your wedding is a year away is a big reason why your aunt may not seem excited. There really isn't anything for her to do, if she were to step into the "traditional" MOH role of planning a bachelorette and shower. I was MOH for my friend and she asked us about 18 months out. At the time I had 2 children (I have 3 now) and was trying to get pregnant, plus getting ready to sell my house, buy a new one, and then a month before her wedding my purse was stolen and I had to deal with all of that, plus my full time job on top of it. Needless to say I had a lot going on and wasn't able to "be excited" like people hope their MOH would be, but it didn't mean that I wasn't excited or happy for her, it's just that I didn't have time to call and text to ask how she was doing. Sometimes it just honestly wasn't a priority to me after everything else that had happened to me in my day.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't think that if someone isn't blowing up your phone asking about your wedding it means they don't care or they aren't excited. Your aunt is probably very excited, but right now, one year away from your wedding, it's just not a priority, and that's honestly ok. Plan your wedding with your FH and enjoy this time!

I think a lot of times we use these titles to place high expectations on others. Yes, they’re our MOH or BMs but they’re human too. They have their own lives, responsibilities and stressors. As someone said, they’re only job is to really show up on the day of. It doesn’t mean she loves you any less or that you’re not a priority to her. Right now, the distance and her life schedule may need to be the very first priority until things start picking up. I wouldn’t ask her to step down. That’s a low blow that will hurt. However, I do suggest reaching out to her and letting her know how you feel and ask if maybe y’all can find a time bi-weekly to sit and chat. I hope it all works out.

View Quoted Comment

This!

You have a lot of time. A year is so much time to everyone else but to us it is like a week because of all the stuff we have planned to do.

It is recommended that you don't pick the bridal party until 8 months out so you don't have regrets like this (not that this is a regret but it happens). Bridesmaid dress shopping shouldn't happen until 6 months out, bridal shower (if you are offered one) happens typically 3 months out, bachelorette party (again if you are offered one) is about 1 month out. There is plenty of time for you MOH to be excited for you.

I totally understand that you may feel hurt by her not being as involved as you may like. I think it is important to recognize that she is actually very busy. She may feel bad for not being able to give you the time you deserve, but that doesn't mean she isn't happy for you and wishes she could give you everything you need. Isn't that the meaning of a true friend/family member? You want the people who love you the most being up there with you on your big day. you don't want to denounce their position in your wedding just because they don't text you every day or help you put your centerpieces together. I don't know your relationship with her and if you truly don't want her to be you MOH then you just have to tell her. Another option is to say something along the lines of "I really care about you a lot but I think that you are super busy and It isn't fair to you to put such a huge responsibility of being a MOH on you when you live in another state and have a family. So I would love for you to be my MOH but do you think it's the right thing for you right now? Because I need help." that way you are putting it on her whether she should be the MOH or not and if she says she wants to then she will know you are expecting more from her.

View Quoted Comment

Breanna,

I agree, the least she could do is talk to you. maybe you could just let her know your expectations going forward, but don't ask her NOT to be your MOH. My matron of honor is my sister who has a lot on her plate, but has decided that she would take time off the week of the month so we can get her dress. Hang in there, it'll flow soon, just let her know how you feel and that you really want her there. My opinion!

If you don't want her to be your MOH then that's it, you just need to tell her. It might hurt her feelings but this is your your day and you should have it how you want. You could always have your FH's girlfriends/wives or co-works that your cool with to be in your bridesmaid if your don't want sides to be uneven.

Hope this helps