Brooke
November 2019

Maid of Honor + Bridesmaids Financial Responsibility

Brooke, on August 19, 2019 at 12:55 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 20
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Hello! I am the MOH for my sisters upcoming wedding. She is having a small bridal party (one MOH and two Bridesmaids). My question is, should hold the two Bridesmaids financially responsible for helping out with the cost of the Bridal Shower, or should the cost fall onto me, the MOH. I have already spent around $700 planning the event and would like some extra financial help from the bridesmaids.


Love,

A first time MOH.

20 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on August 19, 2019 at 9:01 PM
  • Nicole
    Devoted November 2019
    Nicole ·
    • Flag

    Honestly it is up to you as the host of the shower to cover it financially (like any party you would host). However, I don't think it would be inappropriate to see if there are ways the other girls would be able to contribute. Can they bring a dish, or help decorate?

    You can ask them to help out, but it could get awkward if they didn't expect it and weren't budgeting for it.

    • Reply
  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    It depends... Did the bridesmaids agree to host the shower? If they weren't consulted about budget or hosting, they shouldn't have to pay after the fact.

    • Reply
  • Brooke
    November 2019
    Brooke ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    One of them offered to help recently but it was never clear if it was a financial help or an executional help! I will absolutely reach back out to her for more clarification.

    • Reply
  • Brooke
    November 2019
    Brooke ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you Nicole!!

    • Reply
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    • Flag
    Have you looked at ways to cut costs?
    • Reply
  • I_Do_Too
    Devoted September 2020
    I_Do_Too ·
    • Flag
    The bridal party as a whole, in my opinion, should help out and the MOH takes the lead.
    • Reply
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    • Flag
    Technically all the BP is responsible for is the dress and shoes. Anything extra is nice,
    • Reply
  • Andrea
    Super May 2020
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    What about your mom? The mother of the bride can definitely help with that (assuming she’s not paying for the whole wedding)
    I was a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding and got roped into hosting the bridal shower (after a place was already picked by the Mother of the bride 🙄🙄) I did EVERYTHING with no help from her MOH or other bridesmaid. My mom (mother of the groom) ended up helping me. It takes a lot of time and effort on top of being expensive.
    If the bridesmaids weren’t involved in the budget and planning from the beginning I would ask if they could do something to help out. It’s not fair to ask for money if they didn’t make any decisions involving money. Put one in charge of decorations or games for example and then they can choose how much they spend. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    If you offered to host, the cost falls on you. If they offered to help, take them up on it. I don’t think it would be inappropriate to follow-up on Nicole’s suggestion and ask them to bring decorations or food. They can say no, but it’s likely that will get you the help you need without putting you in the uncomfortable situation of asking for money.
    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    No to holding the other bridal party members responsible for costs— anyone who offers to host can, but no one who hasn’t offered such things should be expected to.

    My bridesmaids were involved in my shower (planning, decorating, games) but it was ultimately my mom and aunt who hosted— they offered to host, so they were the ones financially responsible.

    Since at least one has offered to help, definitely reach out to clarify on what exactly she’s offering! Don’t just saddle her with a bill, but if she is willing to help in all of the capacities, one approach could be offering for her to handle one aspect (for example: desserts, or appetizers, or maybe something along the beverage line). Once they’re providing though, they get a say. So if one offered do help and you clarified and she said “I could bring or make something” and you said “awesome, could you handle apps” — Id let her make the final decisions there, based on her budget and comfort level (ie maybe her budget is cheese and crackers, maybe it’s more extravagant)— my point just being, once you decide to share the reigns, be sure to share them! (Just speaking from an experience of an offer to help and then it’s like a list of “yes please go get these expensive things I’ve decided we should have!” and then not knowing how to proceed with the “ohh sorry that’s not *exactly* what I had in mind there!!”)
    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    So have you already planned all of it? If you have and didn't let the bridesmaids help, I would think the $700 should all fall on you since they didn't help host or weren't given the opportunity too. If you still have lots of planning to do, I would send a group text and say "Hey ladies! I'd love some help planning the bridal shower if you are interested. I need help with invites, desserts, games, etc. Would either of you like to take charge of any of those?". I think this is 100% a better approach than "venmo me $X for the bridal shower" and not letting the girls actually help plan. I prefer to contribute an item vs. money.

    • Reply
  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    It does not go over well if you ask then to contribute a certain amount. Instead, come up with things you need and ask who can contribute what that way everyone can pick things within their budget and it takes some financial strain off of you. So for example my mom was the main host of my shower, she asked for volunteers for games, prizes for games, favors and decorations. So girls that didn't have spare time to craft but didn't mind spending money volunteered for favors or prizes. Girls that were crafty volunteered for decorations. People are typically more willing to help when they volunteer for something, there's normally push back if they are asked to just give X amount of money.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag

    If you're offering to host the shower, you're responsible for the cost. If they offer to help, that's great and you can definitely accept.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    The bridal party is not automatically responsible for shower costs. Any female friend, or any female family, can volunteer to do or help with a shower. And since BM and MOH are close F & F, they often do. But they do not have to. Before you plan, find out who actually has volunteered to be a shower hostess. If BM do not want to do it, that is fine. Ask a friend not in the wedding, or a family member if you would like help. Your biggest obstacle is that you started planning before asking others. You cannot make plans, then expect others to pay. You need to start by finding a budget everyone agrees on. Plan together, within budget. Showers can be desserts and coffee, apps and drinks in the in a home or yard, or catered at a restaurant or other hall. But $600 is an awful lot. You may find the others are only willing to chip in $30 to $50 . You can get lots of cheesecake , brownies and coffee for $100-$150 at home cooking prices, for up to 30. But if you want something pricey you may have to pay all by yourself if no one else wants such expensive plans. Showers require the guest to buy a second present in addition to the wedding present. That is why showers are only for the bride's very closest friends and family. You may have to cut the guest list ( which is set according to hostesses wishes and budget, not a list decided by the bride ). The other BM or other friends and family do not have to pay or be hosts if they do not want to. You decided to spend an awful lot, which is your choice, but you planned without consulting others. You could have chosen a smaller guest list, or venue, or food. So if no one wants to help, you are stuck. It is okay to have a shower for o my 10-20 guests. And if others want a shower, another hostess or group may have another small shower for 12-20. No one hostess has to include
    everyone. So if you cannot get help, cut to plans for as many people as you can afford . Do not spend more than you can afford. Nice need not be expensive, for a shower.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master October 2019
    Jolie ·
    • Flag

    I disagree with most here. In my area and from my experience the bridal party was always included in the hosting of the pre-wedding events. It was never just designated to one MOH or one mother. I have always seen them as group efforts. I have had to pay close to $100 before towards the rental space for the shower as a bridesmaid. Did I want to at the time when I was fresh out of college with no adult job? No, but I did. My shower was a group effort but just be aware there might be some stingy bridal party members, as one of my bridesmaids did not participate in the group gift my bridal party decided to get me and she also didn't give the $25 to my mom like all the others contributed. For that reason, I will always remember that because I think it's downright rude of her to have done that and my other bridesmaids offered to cover her cost to my mom and my mom said no because that wasn't fair.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    That may be what you think, and many others. But if the other BM know that traditionally any friend or family can do it, and it is done by all kinds of non- bridal party people, they can simply decline. It is not their job, and they need not volunteer, and you cannot make them. It has always been a voluntary thing. You cannot just start assigning things, or people will quit the whole wedding.
    • Reply
  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    In every wedding I've been in, the shower has been a group effort like you've said. Every bridesmaid contributed something and so did family members. I only had one MOH. My MOH did all the decorations, favors and plates/cups/utensils. One aunt did the invitations and cake. Another aunt got coffee and gave money. My mom paid for the venue, wine, food etc. I wasn't involved in any planning.

    OP, you could reach out to the bridal party and ask if they'd like to be involved. If they say yes, you could tell them the details and things you still need.
    • Reply
  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
    • Flag
    Every wedding I’ve been in the entire bridal party has contributed to the shower. Usually everyone agrees on a price point before planning, and then figure things out from there. If there’s any change in the cost, everyone was notified and either was ok with it, or we would figure it out from there. However, if you did not discuss this with the bridesmaids beforehand, it would be wrong to now ask them for money. Maybe you could ask them to help with whatever else you have to do, like the invitations/postage, cake or favors.
    • Reply
  • Brooke
    November 2019
    Brooke ·
    • Flag

    Thank you for everyones help!

    To clarify: I haven't received any help from the BM but it is a situation where I wasn't offered any help, but I also didn't really ask for it either- which of course is my fault.

    We still have some planning left: cake, decorations and guest gifts. So I will present those remaining options to the BMs as an opportunity to help!

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Better to ask for these leftover things, or if not BM, tell some other friends or B family you are overwhelmed. Usually someone does step up and volunteer. Just, many times not bridesmaid who can barely come up with time, or money in addition to their clothes, HMU, shower and wedding gifts. One of the advantages of shower giving help from some not in the wedding party, is that they are not already having the other expenses of being a bridesmaid. A fair number of times when I have been the only one to volunteer, I asked around. Often there is a close friend who turned down being bridesmaid due to a pregnancy or newborn, or could not be available wedding day, who is eager to help with a shower, and jumped right in. Or an aunt or godmother or grandmother who wanted to help, but felt out of touch inviting bride's friends. As I felt out if it with family I did not know. But an eager volunteer once approached. Good luck. If you had done a shower before, you would have known to ask before doing so much planning. Live and learn . Good luck.
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