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Beginner June 2022

Maid of honor being a nightmare

Jen, on July 18, 2021 at 6:19 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 32

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Hello, so I picked my sister as my maid of honour. She is older than me and my engagement brought a lot of negative emotions up for her as she was due to get married a few years ago and broke it off with her fiancée. She then started dating a woman who really is lovely and a great match for my sister.
A week after my engagement my sister proposed to her girlfriend who then proposed back.
When I told my sister the date we had planned she started kicking off big time saying I’m unfair because she wanted that date. And instead booked her wedding abroad a week after mine (knowing we would be on our honeymoon which was already booked). Her wedding now has been postponed to December because of restrictions.
- She was telling me the dress I had chosen is awful and the one she’s picked for her bridesmaids is much nicer - she’s told me I better not get pregnant because she doesn’t want me to look fat in my bridesmaid dress at her wedding (despite her not even having asked me to be a bridesmaid) - she wouldn’t plan my bachelorette and at one point said she’s not coming because I didn’t invite her partner (which was nothing against her partner but you go on a bachelorette to get away from your partner and let lose) - another bridesmaid planned my bachelorette and my bridal shower and she refused to come to my bridal shower. - After buying all the dresses and shoes. I asked for bridesmaids to pay for them to be altered and give them back a week before the wedding as I want to take them to the venue the day before. that way I can be stress free in that respect knowing no one is going to forget about them ... she sent her dress with my mum to the bridal shower but not the shoes. She’s over my way this weekend at her holiday home (about 30 mins but won’t drive them to me // I’m super busy as my wedding is in 5 days) I asked them to drop them off at my in laws which is a 10 minute detour on her way home. She won’t as she’s sick of “running around after me”.- I’m paying for all bridesmaids to have hair and makeup done as I want them all having the same hair up. She’s kicked off saying she will pull the pins out as she doesn’t want hair up. - I’ve asked bridesmaids to take care of their own manis and pedis but asked them to go with something natural like french polish or neutral or if they can’t get a mani pedi just give their nails a neat file and clear polish. She bought a nude colour and a neon pink polish. She sent me a pic of both and said I’ve got the choice in what she wears but the nude makes it look like she’s got dirty builders nails ... I said I don’t want the neon and she can fine basic nails it is then. - another one I almost forgot. When I went to try on wedding dresses she just sat there with a face on the whole appointment. Telling the staff at the shop about her wedding. I went for the first one I tried on cos I loved it and after she said; yeah if you didn’t buy it I would have.
And now she’s kicking off because me and HTB have decided against her doing a speech.
She is acting like I’m being too much and trying to have a perfect wedding which is never going to happen and I need to chill. I’m trying to plan the day I want in detail. Do you think the fact I’m super upset about her behaviour is valid? Because my mom is acting like nothing is happening because she won’t take sides.

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32 Comments

Latest activity by Jen, on August 1, 2021 at 2:48 AM

Beginner June 2022
Jen · on July 18, 2021 at 6:21 AM
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I’ll just add also ; I had no idea she wanted that date because we hadn’t discussed and we provisionally booked within the week as we knew the venue we wanted
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on July 18, 2021 at 6:45 AM
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This was a lot to take in, but my first question is what was your relationship like before your engagement? Has she always behaved this way? If she has always been this way, you getting married wasn’t going to change how she is so it’s probably best to ignore her until the wedding. If this is new behavior for her, I’d call her out on it and set boundaries.

I think it’s important to note for me that I don’t find it necessary for everyone to attend showers and bachelorette parties and I think you’re hardcore micromanaging by making the girls give you their dresses and shoes instead of just bringing those things themselves.
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Beginner June 2022
Jen · on July 18, 2021 at 7:45 AM
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We were literally best friends. And once I got engaged it just changed. Just with the constant jabs and digs. She was at one point trying to make out id pushed my fiancée into all of this and he didn’t want it. Which is far from the truth.

Yeah fair point on the shower. It was just because her reason for not coming was she thinks bridal showers are sad.

Oh yeah I deffo am micromanaging I do agree with you on that. But me and the girls are all staying together the night before in a cottage on-site of the venue and moving up to the dressing room in the morning of. So to have all the dresses up there, steamed and ready for us I feel will just make for a more peaceful morning. I explained this to the girls and the other 5 were all fine with it.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 18, 2021 at 9:36 AM
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This is a lot. It does sound like you are expecting a LOT from your bridesmaids. You need to trust them to get their own dress to the venue, etc. however your sister is being a nightmare. She’s obviously jealous or resentful over something but I don’t think making things more difficult for her will help her to be more cooperative.
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on July 18, 2021 at 1:28 PM
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I’m kind of 50/50 on everything you described. TBH it sounds like you are acting like a control freak, and she is reacting to that. As a bridesmaid, I would be extremely put off by some of the demands you made and I’d be avoiding you like the plague. Saying your other bridesmaids are “fine with it” likely means they are just too polite to say anything - No one wants to upset a bride, but no one wants to be treated like an irresponsible child, either, so that doesn’t excuse your behavior. Do you feel like your personality has changed throughout your wedding planning, and it is possible that has thrown a wedge in your relationship? All of that being said, Yes some of her behavior sounds abhorrent as well and way out of line. I guess I would reflect and contemplate whether things like shoes and nail polish are more important and worth your relationship in the long run. It would be a shame for wedding planning to ruin what used to be a close relationship.
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Beginner June 2022
Jen · on July 18, 2021 at 5:05 PM
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Of course. I just feel it will make more a more peaceful morning if everyone knows there dress is already upstairs. Steamed ready to put on. Rather than people having to flap about driving 2 hours to go collect things they forgot. Thanks for your honesty.
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Beginner June 2022
Jen · on July 18, 2021 at 5:11 PM
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Yeah you’re right. I probably am acting more of a control freak than I usually am. But I’ve spent over $750 per bridesmaid on dress, shoes, makeup, hair, gifts. And I have 6 bridesmaids. So as you can imagine that’s a lot when usually they are expected to pay for this stuff themselves. But my reason for doing this is because it’s important for me that they’re all uniform. I’ve been to weddings where you’re guessing who is and isn’t bridesmaids, I want my girls to stand out at my wedding. So while I am probably more controlling than most. I feel asking for natural looking nails and a dress back ahead of time to make for a relaxed morning before we make our way over is a tiny little part of it.

It’s not wedding planning that’s ruined our relationship. It’s me moving on in my life and her feeling left behind that has ruined it I honestly feel now. Which is a real shame. I shouldn’t have to put my life on hold because she called of her engagement and is now resentful. Thank you for your honesty though. I do apprecite it.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on July 18, 2021 at 7:02 PM
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Your wedding party is only expected to purchase their attire ie dresses, and within their budget. If you're requiring makeup and hair, you pay for it. Same with mani/pedi and any other specific requirements, like special shoes. In addition people have agency, and they have a right to decide if they don't want a certain hairstyle. You're being far too controlling on this.
Am I right that your wedding isn't for 11 months? Worrying about your bachelorette and pre-wedding events now is really premature. Also no-one owes you those, they are considered gifts and are optional to people to plan.
I feel like you're deciding for yourself what your sister's feelings are, instead of checking in with her. Take your wedding out of it and just approach it as a sister problem.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 18, 2021 at 9:51 PM
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More peace for *you*. Very inconvenient for others.
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Judith · on July 18, 2021 at 10:51 PM
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It sounds like you are getting ridiculously upset about little things that do not matter at all, and she is not being very gracious about it. Whether you pay for it, a stimulus check, or a bridesmaid, you cannot buy how a person looks except the dress. Think of that as ceremonial dress, like a graduation gown or judges robe. Anything on the body is the BM to control. Only dress is yours. She wants curly and down, you want curly and up, but in the end it is her body, and she gets what she wanted. Same thing with her nails. As long as they are of an appropriate formality_ not purple base with orange spots, clownish-- whatever she wants is fine. No one will ever notice when she is in a group picture where then can compare. And if they do, so what? Shoes must be ones that in any setting would go with the dress. Not matching other people. As for the look on her face while choosing your dress, admit it, that is too much. There was no reason to invite her, you chose to, now accept it. She is being less than helpful, just overlook it. I have never heard of shoes being delivered in advance, in 50 + weddings. It is totally unnecessary. I thing you and your sister have sister issues. She needs to accept that it is your place to choose who is a speaker. Otherwise, let her know she can choose her own hairstyle, nails, skin or makeup, and shoes, provided they are appropriate colors to wear with a dress of that color. No Need to match.
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Judith · on July 18, 2021 at 11:14 PM
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Asking for you to not get pregnant or look fat at her wedding, that is rude, totally unnecessary. For that I might quit being in the other bride's wedding party.
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Judith · on July 18, 2021 at 11:40 PM
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3 different shoe colors here of 5 show. Then, nail polish: Matching is not necessary . Can you tell who matches and who doesn't?or, who would care?
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on July 19, 2021 at 2:53 AM
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Yes, this. Honestly, you kind of sound like a nightmare to be a bridesmaid/MOH for. You are seriously micromanaging your wedding party, everything from controlling their hairstyle and fingernail choices to making them give you their dresses and shoes to hold before the wedding? Yikes. I think a lot of people wouldn't react well to any of that.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on July 19, 2021 at 2:56 AM
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It was your choice to spend that much on your bridesmaids' looks. You did not need to do so, and they were not required to purchase anything but a dress, which should have been selected with their budget and comfort in mind. The amount of money you spent - whatever that amount was - does not entitle you to treat your bridesmaids/MOH like props.
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Beginner June 2022
Jen · on July 19, 2021 at 5:16 AM
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Oh wow that’s a bit far. I’m not treating anyone like a prop. Maybe I’m a bit higher strung than some brides but I’m certainly not treating my girls like a prop.

I’ve been a bridesmaid in the past at a venue which was 3 hours away. We brought our own dresses in the morning and half of the girls showed up with seriously creased dresses. We literally spent the morning running around looking for a steamer and then we had to rush steaming the dresses. I’d rather micromanage that than have a stressed morning, given your morning sets the tone for the whole day. My friend who got married says her wedding was the worst day of her life.
When I explained this to my Bridesmaids they all said it’s a great idea to bring the dress ahead of time which I will steam for them and they can literally relax all morning having their hair and makeup done professionally. But apparently a 10 minute detour to drop some shoes off, is too much effort for the only maid of honor duty I’ve asked of her.
My in-laws love the idea of things being there for people and have asked us to take their outfits over the day before too so they can get changed at the venue when they arrive.

I literally asked everyone for ideas of what they would like for hair but would prefer everyone to have the same. Between them they decided. But now my sister has suddenly decided she doesn’t want that and if she has it she will pull the pins out so that by the end of the ceremony her hair has fallen out.
I did say to her fine I’ll save my money and you can sort your own hair out but she said no that I’ll be paying for her to have it how she wants. Which I’ve of course said no to.
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Beginner June 2022
Jen · on July 19, 2021 at 5:20 AM
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Hi.

No my wedding is on Friday this week. I will approach things with my sister but not before my wedding. And she will sit there sulking and refusing to do anything on the day if I say anything now.
Yeah I offered for her to do her own hair how she wants it and I’d save my money. Which she said no, She thinks I will pay but for how she wants it. I said no.
I’m not asking people to get a mani / pedi. I’m saying if they do, can they go for something more natural nothing crazy. And if they don’t can they just have a neat polish and clean nails.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 19, 2021 at 9:27 AM
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You’re not taking others into consideration though. I’m a control freak and it would stress me the F out to NOT have my dress with me and just have it chilling in some room that I don’t have visibility to for the night. You clearly have your mind made up but people here are telling you it’s not reasonable. Especially if you get push back. Let it go. Bring a steamer with you if that’s what the concern is… I promise there are a million other things that can ruin your morning. The more you try to control every piece the more you set yourself up for things not going according to your plan.
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Beginner June 2022
Jen · on July 19, 2021 at 4:39 PM
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I feel you really may have misread. Non of the girls are bothered. Not even my sister about giving the dress back before hand so it can be in the dressing room in a locked venue (my venue is exclusively for weddings and lucky for us there isn’t one the day before which is why we get to stay in some of the accommodation which is on site of the main venue). Apart from the people on here I’ve had no push back. The groomsman and my in laws have all asked if they can give us their suits / MIL dress to also take up the day before.

What I was upset about is that my sister wouldn’t detour 10 minutes to drop them at my in laws on her way home as they live right by the road she takes to come home.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 19, 2021 at 5:52 PM
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Yes she didn’t want to detour 10 mins because she was “sick of running around for you”. Idk what you’re looking for here.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on July 19, 2021 at 6:58 PM
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Ok well nothing will change then. I hope you have a great day!
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