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Kaitlyn
Savvy March 2022

Lost bridesmaid

Kaitlyn, on May 3, 2021 at 4:29 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 21
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So I recently had to tell a bridesmaid that she is not a part of the party anymore.

Background:
Before we moved our wedding date from Oct 1st to March 4th, this bridesmaid (lets call her X) said she would prefer only having to purchase 1 dress for both weddings. Essentially both wedding having the same bridesmaid dress. The other bride and I's color is burgundy. I told X that I would have to see what dress was chosen and if it would work with the rest of my bridesmaids. Well, low and hold the dress wouldn't work. It was a sweetheart style and a little strap off shoulder. The other girls wanted some type of sleeve and not form fitting. This was the exact opposite. I took 2 of my girls to go dress shopping and we found 2 dresses that will work with everyone. I made another appt for my other 2 girls to try them both on and X pretty much told me she's not buying any other dress and she's wearing the one she bought for the other wedding and told me to "back the *blank* off". Shes my best friend and I had to tell her that she's no longer a part of the wedding party because I don't need the stress of her finances a part of my wedding.
Has anyone else had a issue like this?

21 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on May 4, 2021 at 3:21 PM
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    I experienced other drama with friends during my wedding planning process. Had you asked her budget for purchasing a dress? Right now times are tough because of the pandemic so she might not have the extra money to spend on a dress she will likely wear once. If the dress was the exact same color, I probably would've let her wear it and let the other girls pick a dress in the color and style they wanted.
    • Reply
  • Kaitlyn
    Savvy March 2022
    Kaitlyn ·
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    I thought about having different dresses on each person but I just don't like the look. Everyone is going to wear the same dress and they've known that since last August. We aren't ordering the dresses until October too
    • Reply
  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
    • Flag

    I guess the only other consideration would be if she's having financial difficulties, that you could offer to pay for the dress instead. It seems like a very trivial thing to end a friendship over. Although, after that reaction, I can't say I'd make that offer! You'll see a lot of people on here say that a bridesmaid's job is just to show up on your wedding day in a dress of your choosing and stand beside you at the alter. If she's not willing to meet the basic minimum, I'd assume she is not interested in being a bridesmaid.

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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
    • Flag
    I agree with the other poster, I would have absolutely allowed her to wear the dress and allowed the other BMs to choose their own styles also. Never would I put finances (or dresses) above my relationship with my best friend.
    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    I think it's really crappy to cut a bridesmaid becuase she can't afford to buy the dress. I would have just bought it for her and this exactly is one of the many reasons I think brides should be responsible for paying for BM dresses.

    Her response to you was definitely rude, but you're also not listening to her. You don't' get to spend her money and if you want her to be involved I would just pay for it.

    • Reply
  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK ·
    • Flag

    I'm torn. How much were these dresses? I think you agree to purchase a dress for that wedding when you agree to be in that wedding.

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  • Kaitlyn
    Savvy March 2022
    Kaitlyn ·
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    I thought of that too! But then she'll have to worry about the bach and bridal shower and she said she's already struggling with her other wedding pitching in for that stuff.

    Our friendship isn't over as we both agreed in the end that this is probably best for her to be invited as a guest.
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  • Kaitlyn
    Savvy March 2022
    Kaitlyn ·
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    I thought the same thing, but 🤷‍♀️. They're about $200 plus any alterations.
    • Reply
  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    I can't imagine kicking my best friend out of my bridal party because she can't afford to purchase the exact dress that I picked out. This is one of the reasons why the majority of brides these days let their bridesmaids choose different styles of dresses in the same fabric and color. I agree with PPs--I'd never put finances or dresses above my relationship with my best friend. With a $200 dress + alterations + the financial contributions to your shower and bachelorette that you're referring to, it sounds like the privilege of standing in your wedding is going cost a lot of money. Obviously she shouldn't have cussed at you, but I do question if your expectations of your bridesmaids are reasonable...

    • Reply
  • Tory
    Devoted May 2022
    Tory ·
    • Flag
    Is there any way you’d consider her getting a dress from a shop that’s a little less expensive? I totally get if you want all of the bridesmaids dresses to match, but is there a way you could all pick one from an online site that’s a little more affordable so maybe she’d consider it? I am in no way saying what she said to you was okay in response to the situation, but I also do understand what it’s like to be tight on money and maybe not have $200+ for a dress that you’d wear once.
    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag

    Did you have a discussion with your girls about their budgets and what they were comfortable spending before selecting a dress? $200+ is definitely on the high end, so I can understand why she might have been taken aback or reacted that way if she wasn't consulted about her budget beforehand.

    Her not being able to afford to contribute financially to a shower or bachelorette shouldn't interfere with her ability to be in your bridal party, because those parties are optional to begin with.

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Super August 2021
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    When you say both weddings do you mean your 2 dates or your wedding and someone else's wedding?
    • Reply
  • Kaitlyn
    Savvy March 2022
    Kaitlyn ·
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    Someone else's wedding she is a bridesmaid for
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Super August 2021
    Sarah ·
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    Yea so even if you were allowing the girls to all wear different dresses, its not okay to expect to wear the same dress in two different weddings. Especially if any of the guests overlap. I understand hardships, I helped one of my bms pay for her dress, but to this just no. If she couldn't handle it financially she shouldn't have agreed to be in 2 weddings.
    • Reply
  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
    • Flag
    Have you actually talked to her about the situation? You have every right to ask your bridesmaids to wear the dress you want (after discussing their budgets with them), but I totally don't blame her for wanting to try to wear it for both weddings if it's the same exact color. Personally, this wouldn't be the hill I chose to die on. I'd rather my bestie be in my wedding and just wear the dress she's already buying than kick her out over this, but again that's just my opinion.
    • Reply
  • Ana
    Savvy July 2021
    Ana ·
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    Agreed! Relationships first, dresses second. I had a bridesmaid who was having difficulty finding the time to commit to the events/shopping deadlines/etc. because of work. She's one of my best friends, so, we talked about it and we decided to take the pressure off of her and just have her come as a guest. What a relief it was for her! Of course I miss having her as a bridesmaid, but I'd rather she feel happy than pressured. Another friend of mine was happy to step in 6 months prior to our nuptials. Additionally, another bridesmaid of mine has had some difficulties with communication. We weren't seeing eye-to-eye on dresses and I decided that I wanted everyone to be comfortable and happy instead of pressuring everybody. I opted to have everyone wear the same color, but different styles. This is working great for our wedding, everyone is happy, and no one feels pressured to conform, commit extra finances, etc. Remember - weddings take a village, and you want to keep your relationships strong!

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Clarify: you had them buy one dress already for a wedding you did not hold, and now you are asking everyone to get another different dress?
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Or she is also BM for another bride with the same colors, and wants to buy the same dress for both?
    • Reply
  • Kaitlyn
    Savvy March 2022
    Kaitlyn ·
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    No, I should have been more clear. She is in 2 separate weddings and one of them is mine. We have not yet ordered dresses but her other wedding she is a part of has.
    • Reply
  • Kaitlyn
    Savvy March 2022
    Kaitlyn ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Yes correct
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