Hello! I'm a 30 year old (M) with a wife (30) and infant child. A bit of background: I moved to my wife's state to start our newly married life together. Seeing as how I am not a citizen (US), my inlaws very kindly let me stay with them while I was waiting on the legalities of my work permit.
As of now, we're currently still living with my wife's parents. I've had a stable job for over a year now, and so does my wife (for several years). My inlaws are great folks. Very caring, helpful and they did a great job raising my wife to be the woman that I married. However we are just cut from different molds. I believe partly because of generational gaps (obviously) and partly because of cultural values. They grew up in South East Asia. They are very religious, and hold a lot of old country values i.e. the man works, the woman does the cooking and raising of child. They do not drink, and not much into music or art. As with many of their generation who immigrated to the West (including my parents), they sacrificed a ton for their children. Which might also explain why they just never delved into any hobbies/interests outside of providing for their children. And that is completely respectable and honorable.
All of my inlaws' kids, with the exception of my wife have moved out of state years ago. For whatever reason, downsizing their home has never been seriously considered. It's a fairly sizable home, and the mortgage is still being paid off. My FIL works two jobs. He has a sentimental attachment to the home. He raised his family in it and it's usually home base for when his kids and grandkids come to visit. To help out with their mortgage and home expenses, me and my wife contribute monthly as we would if we were renting our own place. It's only fair and I'm more than willing to help them out. Our monthly contribution is about the same as we'd be paying rent for a nice 2 bedroom apartment.
With that bit of background out of the way, I'll get on with my frustrations. Seeing as it's my inlaws' home, I just can't seem to find the space or time to be my own man, father, or person. I'd love to just kick off my shoes after work, play some good music in the family room, be silly with my kid, experiment with some dad-cooked/frankenstein looking meals in the kitchen, have people over for a few drinks and laughs. As of now, I just don't feel like I have that luxury. The lack of privacy is just a killer sometimes. And the little things we do that are outside the norm of what my inlaws are used to are always met with some form of questioning or slight criticism. If we go right, they tell us to go left and vice versa. They do not force anything on us but the little jabs just start to build up, and I don't know how much longer I can just turn a cheek or laugh it off. We do not have our own entrance or living space within the house, so the kitchen and main level are usually occupied at one point or another. It bugs me that I have to always be cooped up in a tiny room to have some bonding time with my child. Helicopter grand-parenting is another concern of mine. It's important to me that we as the parents raise and guide our child. That being said, I'm not stubborn enough to refuse help when needed, and with a kid it is definitely needed!
My wife is very supportive of any decision I make. She would be willing to move out if I really wanted it. I'd just feel really guilty moving out knowing how much our monthly contributions help out her parents right now. In my opinion, they should have downsized long ago. Though that is my opinion alone. Note that I am of the same ethnicity as my wife and her parents. Key difference is that me and my wife were born and raised in North America. While my inlaws sacrificed everything they had for their kids, they also had the "opportunity" to raise their kids on their own terms and in their own vision. Me and my wife are very fortunate to not have that same level of self-sacrifice. Very fortunate and I'm thankful everyday for it. However, being 30 years old with a family, I just feel like I need to be my own man and steer my own ship (with the help of my wife of course!). I'd love for my kids to grow up in an environment that is not so rigid. An environment that me and my wife have created for them and ourselves. As of now, we're torn between living the adult lives we want, raising our children in our vision vs supporting her parents, and upholding our "non-western" cultural duties.
That was longer than expected. If anyone has been or is in a similar situation, I'm all ears/eyes! I'm sure this is a very common dilemma that I'm in.
