Just Said Yes September 2020

Living with in-laws

Jenni, on August 15, 2020 at 12:22 AM Posted in Married Life 0 47
Hello, can someone give me advice about living with your in-laws. My fiancé wants us to live with his parents after the wedding and I honestly don’t want to, but I dont Want to hurt his feelings. Any advice?tenor.gif


Latest activity by Donna, on August 29, 2020 at 7:44 PM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I lived with mine for half a year before we got our own place and I gotta tell you I love my in laws and I didn’t mind living with them but the issue is space Smiley sad we were stuck in only one room and it’s not like we can change things up around the house cause it’s not ours.

    So I guess my advice is to try your best with making do with the space you’ll have
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    That’s a hard no from me. Adults, especially newlyweds, need space and privacy. I personally don’t feel that you’re ready to get married if you’re not ready to handle financial responsibilities like paying your own rent or mortgage. Obviously things happen and sometimes people have to move in with family to get back on their feet, but it shouldn’t be the plan.
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    Nope. Only unless you need to for financial reasons and you both commit to a timeframe to save money then get the F out. 😁
    • Reply
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry you’re being faced with that decision. I love and get-along well with my future in-laws. But living with them is a definite NO for me
    (and that goes for living with my parents too). Is there a reason why he’s suggesting that idea? If it’s for financial reasons, is it possible for you two to save money first to get a place of our own and have a very intimate and low-cost wedding. It’s a rough start to a life together if still living with parents.
    • Reply
  • Maria
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Maria ·
    • Flag
    It is not a good idea to do something you don’t like. It’s not recommendable in general just because you guys would need your space and place and you guys would be deprived of that by living at someone else’s house. It is lovely that they want you close and accept you in their family but also think about the reason why they want you there. Is it to keep their son closer or financial purposes, etc.? It’s ok to speak up about your own boundaries because if you allow yourself to go over them, ignore them and do something you’re not comfortable doing just at the expense of others, you are just going to build up resentment in the long run. If it’s for financial purposes there are lots of options out there with a decent place and no need to break the piggy😉.
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    Never do something that makes you uncomfortable because you are afraid of hurt feelings. Every big life decision you make as a couple should be discussed and you should both feel heard and understood.

    If you do need to move into your In Laws, make a solid plan for moving out; a budget and date. Discuss with his Parents exactly what and how much you will contribute as a couple to the household and how you will resolve conflicts. Find ways to enjoy spending time together; maybe you have a routine coffee and chat in the morning. Feeling integrated in to the household will ease the feeling of living in someone else's home.
    • Reply
  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn’t, and I love my in-laws and get on very well with them. Why does your FH want to live with them? Financial reasons? If it’s so you can save a deposit for a house, it might be OK so long as you have a definite savings plan, stick to it, and have a date to begin the house hunt when you have enough of a deposit. This would be the only reason I’d live with in-laws.

    I just feel like living with parents/in-laws means they won’t see you as grown adults, but as their children still, and this can lead to massive animosity and disagreements when they try to parent you. I also feel like having a place to call your own is really important, and living in someone else’s house doesn’t give you that. If they have a space (in-law suite, finished basement, guest house) which you really can call your own it would be less problematic, but are they going to check to see you’re cleaning the place properly and letting themselves in whenever they feel like it’s vécu as it’s their house?

    And lastly, is there a cultural reason at play here at all?

    My only other argument for your FH would be that you’re not comfortable having sex with his parents just down the hall, and he needs to be aware of that before making decisions about where you guys will live.

    • Reply
  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
    • Flag
    I mean... my husband doesn't even want to live with my in-laws, and they are his family. But granted, when he lived at home, he was living with his mom, dad, 3 siblings, a sibling in-law, and a grandmother in a 5 bedroom home. Too many people. Not enough space.

    Granted, we are considering moving somewhere else in the next 5-10 years, and he's pretty chill about the idea of my mother moving with us.
    • Reply
  • Megan
    Expert November 2022
    Megan ·
    • Flag
    I get what you guys are saying current I am still living with my parents and he is living with his dad, although we are engaged. The money situation just hasn't come together yet. We are looking to move in together within the next year and just rent, although it seems like a huge waste of money- we rather use the money we would pay to rent to put towards a house but I know we need our space from our family, there has been too many issues lately. Once I move out I don't plan on moving back in with my parents unless we are building a house and renting wouldn't work.
    • Reply
  • Jai
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn't especially if you arent comfortable. As a newlywed myself, I would never do it. Privacy is important to me. And I dont wanna follow someone else's rules
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn't unless it was for 6 months or less. I don't mind cleaning up after his parents, especially if we are living there for free or dirt cheap. The issue is his 47 year old brother who lives there for free. This man refuses to clean up after himself and helps himself to anything in the fridge or cabinets without asking if he can have some. He doesn't contribute to groceries, etc. and he's stolen money from my FH on multiple occasions :-( I already know before attempting to live with them that Conflict could arise between my FH and his brother.
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    Definitely not a good idea especially since you aren't on the same page. Is there a reason he wants to live with them?
    • Reply
  • L
    Expert September 2020
    • Flag
    I would not do this. As newlyweds, you need space and time alone. You also need to get used to handling money and expenses together. I know some people do this to save money for a house or other things like that, but to be frank you shouldnt be getting married if you cant handle your expenses on your own. If you absolutely have to, I’d go into it setting a time limit on how long you will be there instead of just saying it will be an indefinite amount of time
    • Reply
  • Mindy
    Super November 2020
    Mindy ·
    • Flag
    That would be a hard no for me. I couldn’t even live with my parents at this point in my life. I have lived on my own for seven years, not including college. And I will have lived with my fiancé for about a year and a half by the time we get married. If I had to go from us being independent to living with either of our parents, I would lose my mind. I have a difficult enough time when we go back to visit and end up staying with either of our parents for more than a couple days. I like to be in control of my life.
    • Reply
  • C
    Master January 2019
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag
    As others have said, that would be a no for me (unless there were extreme circumstances). But, I’ve owned my own home since I was 23 so the idea of moving into someone else’s home and abiding by their rules is unacceptable to me. And newlyweds need their own space, and privacy. If I moved into my husbands family home, it would never feel like home to me. I’d always be the visitor and outsider while he wouldn’t be.
    So, I guess it depends on your circumstances and why he thinks moving in with them is a good idea. If it’s to create financial stability I think that needs to happen before the wedding. There’s no way I would be able to marry someone and we could support our selves (which Includes paying for housing). Also, if it’s because he’s close to them and why not? Definitely no.
    If it’s because one of his parents is sick or elderly and needs help, he doesn’t want to put them in a home, etc. that might be ok depending on how the living situation would be. If you do decide to move in with them I think you need to set an end date and end goal. Then you both need to work towards reaching that goal so you can leave. I know all too well how months can turn into years without an end goal. Good luck in whatever you decide.
    • Reply
  • Jessica
    Devoted February 2021
    Jessica ·
    • Flag
    Don’t do it you will 100% regret it!!
    • Reply
  • Asia
    Devoted December 2021
    Asia ·
    • Flag
    Omg the meme! I can’t stop laughing I didn’t even read the post at first. Lol

    But ok serious note, if you do not want to, DONT! this should be a joint decision. I’m no way getting in your super personal business but I’m going to offer a few scenarios. If this is a financial decision for the time being then PLEASE PLEASE discuss it and have an END/MOVE OUT DATE! Short time can turn into a LONG time.
    I’ve seen that the other way around where the girl didn’t wanna leave home and they divorced less than a year later. Not saying that’s your fate but it will eventually cause a strain on the marriage. Because normal fights that would occur in the privacy of you guys home will now be his family’s business. You definitely don’t want that.
    Now only way I would agree is if this was a small very very very small window of time or someone’s super sick and needs assistance. But just STAYING JUST TO SAY. Count me out!!! Lol. I’m with you as a woman in a new marriage that privacy and time feeling each other out IN a marriage is a necessity together without outside influences. You have to be comfortable in your home with YOUR husband. Both of your thoughts are valid and should be discussed, never compromise comfort.
    Please discuss it because you do not want to be unhappy and regret it. Your feelings matter too.
    Congrats btw!
    PS. THE MEME 😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super October 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    For financial reasons my fiance and I lived with his parents for 1 1/2 years while I was in college. We weren't engaged at that point. We were lucky to have half of the basement completely to ourselves sectioned off with a wall and had a locking door. So we have a "living room" area and a large bedroom. That helped a lot to have our own space. If you HAVE to live with them for financial reasons, that is understandable. If you are only doing it because he wants to, I would draw the line there.

    • Reply
  • Alisa
    Devoted August 2020
    Alisa ·
    • Flag

    I would say don't do it girl! only way i would do it is if: 1. i had a good relationship with his parents and 2. we had our own space beyond a bedroom

    • Reply
  • Jenni
    Just Said Yes September 2020
    Jenni ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This is exactly my situation! But he hit me with the “we should just live here first then buy a house later”
    • Reply

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