Limiting in-laws guest list

FH and I knew we couldn't invite everyone FMIL asked us to invite , and they are not putting any money towards the wedding, so FH just explained to her that we would not be inviting anyone from her list. She did try to insist on a few people, but because she is not paying FH was clear that they would not be invited.

We had this discussion with MIL as well. She sent a list that included her extended family and FIL's. FH does not know half the people on the list. FH chose who he wanted and didn't want. We stuck to it.

Word of caution: We explained to MIL that we were capping the list and trying to keep it small. She responded that since most of these people were OOT, they likely wouldn't go but may "want to send a card." FH and I were not comfortable inviting people just to gift grab. It's not our style. Incidentally, most of the people we assumed would come, will not be there. They have mentioned to MIL and FH that they thought we'd have a separate celebration when we visit them....um no.

I don't understand why people are saying her FMIL needs to cut her list. Why does she even have a list in the first place!? Her randomly emailing a list is ridiculous, especially when she isn't contributing to the wedding. Just let her know (either FH or the both of you NOT you alone) that you appreciate her input, but the two of you have decided on a guest list that is within your budget. She gets no extra people here unless she is going to pony up the dough for extras. Your wedding, you and FH's guest list.

Same thing happened to me, FH and I went through her list and crossed out about half of it and said "due to venue size/budget we eliminated these people because ...." (you really don't have to give a reason other than budget/venue but you can say you don't know them well too)....I do say try to be somewhat fair though. For mine we invited a little less than 40 mutual friends and our venue/budget limit was 200 so we divided the remaining numbers after best friends, vendors, and ourselves and gave each of our parents 70ish people. My wedding is much larger so it's slightly different, but can you add up your MUST HAVE friends between you two and then divide the remaining number by 2? it sounds like your max is like 60? if so do your X amount of friends and your vendors and yourself then subtract from 60 and divide by 2. Just make sure you're not inviting 30 people from your own family and only expecting her to invite 10.

I have never understood why people who aren't hosting a party are allowed to invite guests. It's your wedding; it should be your guest list. (And don't let people pay to be allowed to invite people. Your wedding is not a commercial venture.) It's not a family reunion; it's not a gift grab; it's not a chance for others to show off or repay social debts. It's your wedding. It's your guest list. Don't invite anyone you wouldn't take out to an expensive dinner, because that's essentially what you're doing--buying each guest (and his or her SO, if any) dinner for some outrageous amount of money. If a guest isn't part of your heart, s/he shouldn't be part of your wedding.

Not sure if you already have a venue booked and if you have to keep it to a certain number already. We are inviting aunts, uncles, and cousins, but my FILs had a lot of family friends and second cousins that they added to our original list. My FH didn't know some of the people they included very well. I told him to tell him that we are paying for our own wedding and both have big families so we are trying to keep the guest list down. They assumed my dad was paying for everything and when they found out we were, they offered to chip in. I then said they could add a few of their people. Not sure if that's an option for you, but if you can go a little bigger and she is willing to chip in to the wedding costs, that could be an option.

I asked FMIL for a list of people that needed invitation for their side, and I never got it. Luckily I know 99% of FH Family. They don't really have a lot of extended family - but 60 people just grandparents, aunts uncles and children.

Do you have a budget that dictates how many you want? We determined how many people we could afford and spilt it down the middle..... my FH gave me a list of 100 people when it can only be 55 each side. Ultimately I had to tell her she needed to cut her guest list down.... my FH had final say in who was invited. We ended up saying if you want more people you need to contribute..... she ended up backing off on her guest list. Just be open and honest. These conversation kinda set the tone for how you are going to handle difficult conversations.

Moral of the story is - determine how many people you can afford and start marking people off the guest list.....

I agree with @Rosered. Determine how many people you and FH want to invite, and after you draft your lists, see how many spots are left. I would then let the parents know they can each invite X amount of guests. I also agree with PP to let FH approach his parents with the information that they can invite X amount of guests.