Legal Marriage in Us, Symbolic Marriage in Ireland

So, you aren't going to tell friends and family that the ceremony in Ireland isn't legal. And in your other post you are considering cutting your sister out of your life because she hasn't told you that she isn't planning on attending the event in Ireland. See the irony?

You are doing the same thing she is. Not telling important people what is going on. Pot meet kettle.

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My entire family is aware that my wedding in Ireland won't be legal and that for legal sake, we have to get married here. That has been given since day one of planning, however, I didn't want people to opt out of Ireland because they had the option of seeing us legally get married at a courthouse. We are treating Ireland like our real wedding, and as for the courthouse we are doing it for legal purposes.

Just don’t invite anyone to the courthouse

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Nique, that was our plan but my FH's mother can not come to Ireland and would like to invite those who mean the world to but aren't coming to Ireland the chance to see us at least get legally married. So, thats our hang up.

Why is your wedding in Ireland not going to be a legal marriage?

View Quoted Comment Then I would do your wedding then go to the courthouse Afterwards

Don't deceive people into thinking the wedding in Ireland is the real one, just because you want to manipulate people who would not come if you told the truth. When they find out, they will be angry and carry that resentment for years. Tell people upfront the Ireland ceremony is personal vows between you said in from of people who mean a lit to you. But WI is legal ceremony. People will choose, if they want come to both, or neither. If either of my 1st cousins marrying this year planned their ceremonies in Ireland, I would not go. Been to Ireland, so has DH. No interest in ever going again. So why travel so far, so many hours, to be where we do not want to go, at great expense, for a one hour meaningful ceremony? But we would go to Greenland, Iceland, Norway, or a host of other places where we would visit family and people we know, and sightsee. Because that time and expense would take the place of our precious vacation time, and a total waste for a place we never wanted to be to begin with. To do it, out of a feeling if obligation, then find out we were deceived? The end if that friendship, cut off that family member. If you cannot treat people with respect enough to tell them the truth, be ready for some bad reactions.

We contemplated a DW.. the deciding factor for us was we'd rather have those close to us attend, than not attend due to location.Thus, we decided a local ceremony was the way to go, this way we could have our closest people there. I've always dreamt of having a symbolic ceremony in Ireland, but i'd never ask family or friends to travel there for an hour of time... It's way too expensive. Personally, i'd rather it be something just FH and I do when we go on vacation. I couldn't justify asking family and friends to spend thousands to attend my wedding. Even if it was my sister or best friend, I couldn't attend a wedding in Ireland. Not possible.

You do not have to give people to option of going to your courthouse wedding. I do not think you should keep it a secret that you will not be legally married in Ireland, but if that is the ceremony you want people to attend then that is the one they should be invited to. They can choose to attend or not.
We had a symbolic wedding in Mexico and a courthouse wedding in the US about 2 months later. The only people to attend our courthouse ceremony were our parents. We did not even give the option for other people to attend. To us, the day we said our vowes in Mexico was the day we were married. The marriage was about the two of us making a commitment to each other and the legality of it was not what was most important. The ceremony in Mexico is where we did that and what we wanted to share with everyone. We did the courthouse after because I wanted the first time we said our vows to be the day we celebrated with everyone.

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Nicole, YES! You've said everything I've been feeling. I think you're right, I should follow suit the way you did because Ireland obviously is going to mean way more to me than the courthouse. Thank you for sharing your experience.

View Quoted Comment And I think it's also very important to be open and honest with everyone about your plans. We told everyone that asked about our reasoning for the way we were doing things. We loved the location in Mexico and that is where my husband proposed so it has a special meaning to us. We also wanted someing smaller, relaxing, less stressful to plan and more time to enjoy with the people who were there. But, to do things legally, the ceremony would have had to be in Spanish (which we don't speak) and we weren't thrilled about their requirement of having bloodwork done. Everyone was very understanding and still excited to celebrate with us in Mexico if they were able to make the trip. And I think because we saw the courthouse as simply a paperwork thing and didn't really talk about it or make a big deal of it, no one really even paid attention to that part. We would have gone with just the two of us but it was important to my dad to be there and then we felt that we should give my inlaws the option to be there as well. No one else even knew the day we were going. We didn't do special clothes or a celebration that day. We don't even have photos. Of course you can do those things on the courthouse day if you want. But for us, we had our celebration and photos of our wedding already.

Wouldn't your real wedding be where you get married first? Legally, that is the real wedding, where it happens first.

You can get married in Ireland, you just have to go there at least once beforehand, is that why the symbolic one in Ireland? Cost?

I agree to have the symbolic one in Ireland if you wish but please be upfront about EVERYTHING with everyone.

If it were me, I would have a courthouse wedding with family and a few friends here in the USA, followed by a lunch or dinner, then fly to Ireland and do a symbolic one later. If I flew to Ireland, heck if I flew to Chicago under false pretenses I would be highly annoyed.

View Quoted Comment Exactly what Nicole said also keep in mind as a Chaplain and as just Retired from the Government, I've been in the Courthouse they limit amount of people to attend ceremony. Especially now a days w security issues.
Invite FH mother the immediate than celebrate w party invite all. People will understand know courthouses are small. Congrats

I dont think it matters what you call it or when you do it. People may or may not come. An international wedding or ceremony or celebration is a lot of ask of someone. A passport alone is 110 dollars.

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OrangeCrush,

If we wanted to legally get married in Ireland we would have to apply 6 months ahead of time, and be in Ireland 5 business days before the marriage and it would have to declare a religion to be married under. We can't afford to be in Ireland that far ahead of time and we aren't religious, so my FH really dislikes the idea of adding religion into the ceremony and having to declare anything of that nature.

View Quoted Comment Hold on, your future MIL cant even come to Ireland??? That would be a deal breaker for me right there. My husband and I REALLY wanted a destination wedding but certain family members would not have been able to attend and I couldn't imaging getting married without them.

If you want to go to Ireland, you and you fiance go and have a symbolic ceremony, then have another legal ceremony courthouse or other locale. No wonder your sister doesnt want to go if you MIL isnt even going.

My partner and I are in a similar situation in Scotland. We got legally married in Scotland and invited only our immediate families. We did not invite friends because we did not want only my partners friends to realistically be able to come, as he is the one from Scotland and I have only lived here for one year. We are having a big wedding in Maine (which will be non-legal) in 2019. Our immediate families are attending this wedding as well, and all close friends from the US and Scotland are invited and expected to attend. I totally understand wanting to have the “real” wedding family while having to navigate legal restrictions. I basically just didn’t give people the option of attending the legal Scottish ceremony, with the exclusion of immediate family.