Last name change

I mean honestly I don't see why it's any of their business what name you take lol. It sounds like they're just being petty and want to keep the family name for family name's sake. As long as you and FH are in agreeance with that decision, I don't see it necessary to let them know.

FBIL's wife is a vet and when they got married, we were all under the impression that she took his last name. But on social media, her vet's license, her addressing herself to people, it's all different last names lol. So we don't know what her new legal last name is, but none of us are pestering her about it, nor do we see it necessary to make it our business to know!

View Quoted Comment That's how I felt but he's more worried about than I am

Totally agree with Shelly's response! If you and your FH are happy, then that's what matters. If you feel like you have to tell them, maybe invite them for dinner to talk about the upcoming wedding and casually mention that you think its fun that you and FH are both getting new names out of it. Or just be a little petty and have the decor at the wedding say "Mr and Mrs Whatever" and let them discover it on their own lol

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Since they're his parents and they're the ones that will get so upset, I'd have FH talk to them himself. That's if it really bothers him that much.

View Quoted Comment I agree with Shelly.
It's really none of their business. That's a decision for you to make. Not them.

There is no need to tell them. Really. You don’t have to tell people things just because they ask. Since they probably will ask, even though it’s none of their business and rude, you can do the standard “Why do you want to know?” response to rude questions.
If they keep asking, then they are blind to social manners and you can just laugh and say “interesting” and not answer. They need to get used to not knowing everything.
I will add this - unless your FH is 10000% behind combining names, don’t do it. Keep your maiden name and he keep his. If his parents are as nosy as they sound, they will pick up on his hesitation and will prob bring it up constantly to drive a wedge.Don’t let them use their “sensitivity” as a weapon.

It’s FH responsibility, if anyone**, to have that conversation. No one needs to tell them. Or he can say “hi. I’m changing my name to —-“. He needs to grow past being scared of his parents reaction and focus on you and your future together. It’s hurting you that his parents are pushing it.

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Totally agree.

If he is concerned about it, then he needs to tell them.

1. It isn't really any of their business.
2. They aren't the ones filing the name change paperwork - you (and possibly him) are.
3. What you want to do with your own name does not concern them whatsoever.

Seeing as how you both will be married, you sort of have to go into this as a team. Have his back, and stand your ground. Be firm with them and assertive and let them know that this is a very personal decision and it’s a very important decision to the both of you. After all it is your name and your marriage. Not theirs!

I don't think you need to go out for your way to tell them. That is giving them too much power. Just proceed to do what you wish with your own names, and if it comes up before you change it simply say "we decided to go with a new last name. We're very excited!" And don't budge.

View Quoted Comment Have some business cards for each of you, and also wedding announcement cards, made up with your new names. Show them and get all happy and excited.

I don't know why this is so upsetting to you that this may bother them. Millions of people change their names yearly. For generations all women had to do it if they married, whether their parents liked it or not. And while the one changing the name often had issues, the parents basically got over it. I think you should should stop tiptoeing around and avoiding the subject, which just adds to the drama. And matter of factly say, this is the name we are using after marriage. We are happy about it, and will not change our minds. Show them ehat it looks like, this is it. You taking 3 months to take off the bandaid is torturing all of you.

I'm just putting this out there because I didn't explain it right clearly after reading a few not so nice comments. I don't care if they get mad he was the one asking the question not me I was just posting it for him. I have said to him just tell them it's our life not theirs but I also understand where he is coming from. His parents didn't talk to us for a year and half because they "disowned" cody for losing his job after being hurt on the job (best year of my life but it hurt him big time.) Yesterday they flipped out and threaten to disown him again because I said we're not coming for easter because I have covid (good enough reason for me cause you know got to quarantine) but does this shine a little more light on the subject I'm not trying to be mean trust me and I agree with most of you it's just maybe try to be a little nicer about how your saying things. I personally can not stan my in-laws with a passion after they went around town calling me a bunch of stuff I can't say on here even though I'm the bread winner in my family and have never cheated on anyone.

You don't owe them an answer or explanation for anything. It is your choice. I wouldn't even bother telling them until you have chosen your alternative last name and made the change. But if they continue to ask, just say it is the decision you two have made and that's that.

Edited after reading your above comment to say... it sounds like his parents are assholes. He should not stress over people that are willing to disown him so quickly.

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I’m so sorry that’s what you experience from your in-laws to be. It sounds to me like they have very ‘traditional’ (I’m being polite) ideas about gender roles, so I can appreciate why name would be a likely flashpoint. It also sounds like they blow things out of all proportion.

Given that, I would either leave it until after the wedding and let them respond however they respond, or tell them ASAP and live with the fact they might ‘disown’ you and make things difficult in the run up to the wedding. (I’d thought of various things to suggest for having that conversation with them, but my suggestions assumed a level of rational response from them that it doesn’t sound like is likely.) Sounds to me like you and your fiancé also need to work out how you’ll handle things in the future when this kind of behaviour occurs.

Sending you love and wishing you luck.

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I agree with Meghan on this. Wishing you luck, Ashley!! You are in a pickle for sure, but it sounds like you have a very level head about this stuff and have you and your FH's best interests firmly at heart! This may be one of those transition / growing pain type events that makes you and FH realize just who is in y'all's corner and who is not. I hope his parents will come around and be in y'all's corner, but the past situation you described about your FH getting hurt on the job and his parents disowning him (like what in the world?!?!?!?) kinda leads me to believe that they have their best interests at heart. I hope they come around. You are dealing with a stressful situation for sure! And I hope you don't get any more harsh comments either!

View Quoted Comment Cody is tiptoeing around trying not to bring things crashing down on him again, and making him mad. And that is usual to a point. But these people are way over the normal line. And this is their tantrum behavior. As long as Cody gives in to the fear of them blowing up, he will feel powerless, and angry, every bit as much as loving his family. The only thing to do with emotional tgreat tantrum behaviors is to stand up to them and face them down. Knowing they will blow, for his own dignity as a man, Cody needs to get out from under the threat. Decide, our marriage, and what we want is reasonable. Present it to them in the nicest way possible, right there in print, that you are going to send to everyone after you marry ( marriage announcement/ name change. And the very first complaint you hear, which will be immediately, say that this will be your name, and your children's name. And you are not taking any complaints. And say right out, we want you at our marriage, but will get by without you. We want you to know your grandchildren. But if you are going to get angry over everything that does not please you, we don't want to hear from you. They pull these power trip tantrums because they know they work to get what they want. They need to learn, when you are nice, the other kids want to play with you, and if you are not, you will be alone ... applies to family as well. Cody is a man, starting a family, at a crossroads. What will happen when they are angry about a job change? A move? How you spend your money? Cody, and you, will not last, through repeated storms. He needs to choose this happy tome, do this nice thing for you, and not tolerate any tantrums. They could miss the marriage. And when Cody does not give in, at some point they will, they always have. Then you, and they, have boundary lines of behavior you can work with. ... My MIL is wonderful. FSIL announced loudly, at the end of a big Sunday family where I had met him and much of their family, " I don't know who you are or what you are, and don't think we are going to let you marry our Tony." 🙂Someone a different race and ethnicity, and religion, and I work ( unlike the woman who raised his 13 kids and was bookkeeper for 2 family businesses, no work there.) With my Mom's Mom's name... matriarchal family. And since FFIL was already so mad, none of his first 6 to marry married outside their neighborhood. Then my Tony announced ( not having discussed it eith me, that some of our kids would have his name and some mine. Yup, he blew, and it took a while. But he does on each and everyone of his grandchildren, and has no problems with their names, or their/ my religion. He thinks we have a loving home, and travels to see us more than any of his other kids . He respects his son for standing up to him. A rocky start, but worth it, to see our oldest boy leafing off one grandfather off in each hand to show him his latest thing. Married life should be long. Settle this tantrum stuff, or live with it over your heads forever.

Definitely agree with Judith. Controlling and emotionally abusive families do not get better in time in my experience. I lived with my ex for 3 years, and his mother and grandmother never liked me. We were threatened with homelessness twice because his grandmother had a tantrum (she owned the property, but rented it out to us). When we inevitably broke up as I'd lost respect for him, they accused me of having a long term relationship with someone else. When we were still together, they accused me of being a gold-digger. Whatever I did was wrong, because they decided from the start that they hated me. It never improved and he kept them in his life.

I kept my last name. My husband was fine with it. There is no law requiring you to take his name. You are just legally married, that’s all