Last minute elope decision

We just went through this, sort of. We had a wedding planned, completely, for July 4th, 2015. We even already had sent Save the Dates due to it being on a holiday, we wanted them to go out early. After much debate and headache and tears, we decided to cancel everything. We were paying for a majority of the whole wedding with only minimal help. We werent told how much we would receive, just that we would get something. Both sides didnt know what they could commit to contributing, so in our minds, it was all on us. The total cost of the 7/4 wedding was around 16 grand- without including honeymoon. We just could not justify spending that, on one day. Sure we planned everything and knew what we were spending but the more we talked about it we realized how silly it was for us to pay all of that ( to each their own, no judgement on others). Long story short, we decided to plan a destination wedding and leave it open to guests if they wanted to come. We decided we would not be doing any sort of sit down dinner reception or open bar. We are getting married at sunset and going to the local bars on the beach for our "reception". We are doing cake or cupcakes and maybe a champagne toast, but thats about it. The package we chose includes everything- flowers too! I already purchased fake and made my bouquets but its nice they do offer them. It also includes photography too, and its REALLY good. To answer your question about getting money back from vendors- good luck. We lost all of our deposits. Luckily our venue was only a 100 dollar deposit so we got lucky. We didnt need a deposit for our caterer due to being a friend. We took the biggest hit on losing 400 on our photography and also dj at 250. In the long run though, we are SO much happier with this plan and now are REALLY excited and looking forward to our wedding. I am still having a shower- my MOH doesnt agree with it, she feels its asking a lot of your invited guests but my mom wants to throw one. We are going to plan a "were back and married" party after our honeymoon to celebrate with those that cannot make it to florida. To answer your question about etiquette- I have no idea. Good luck with your decision!!

Wait, Courtney, are you planning on feeding your guests at whatever bar you decide to go too? I can't imagine having people come so far for me and not even feeding them..

You're asking people to come to a destination wedding and you're not feeding them anything?

You MOH is right about the shower, no matter what your mom wants to do. (That's techincally not correct either; parents don't throw showers....). You don't "elope" with guests and not host anything for them.

You are right about one thing; you have no idea about etiquette.

OP: If you never sent out STDs or invitations, then you have nothing to announce to anyone. You are free to elope. However, elopements are not preceded by a wedding shower. You will probably not get your deposits back.

Courtney, if you and FH decided that paying for big wedding wasn't feasible, that's fine. If you sent out STDs, you should probably contact those people and let them know that there is no hosted wedding on that date. However, if you're actually going to tell your guests that you're having a destination wedding and leaving it up to them as to whether or not they want to come, you should be exceedingly clear about what kind of destination wedding you're planning. In reality, you are inviting them to fly to a tropical location to watch a 20 minute ceremony, have a cupcake, and maybe a champagne toast. After that, they are free to go to local bars with you on their dime. That's not a reception. Feel free to have a back and married party after your honeymoon (but it has to be hosted), but I would definitely skip the wedding shower.

A few months before our wedding we both WANTED to elope...it is so stressful.

If you need to get out of contracts, read them first and see what you can do. You may lose deposits. Good luck.

@ Alissa I've not been through eloping at the last minute but I'd be concerned about getting refunds from vendors. And if you've never sent out information (save the dates or invites) about the wedding I suppose it would be okay.

We just went through this thought process ony a few weeks ago. We sat down with our vendors and essentially, we would have been losing all of our deposits so far ($4k for the venue alone) and then more in "liquidated damages"... It ended up being more stressful and scary to think about losing it and then changing all of the plans.

I totally see where you're coming from, but read your contract carefully. Check for those "liquidated damages" type terms. Good luck. Don't stress too much!

Harsh Celia.

Yep. Seriously, who does that? 'come to our shower and then our destination wedding and pay your own way except for this cupcake".

No one does that.

Maybe I should have explained in more detail- When we made the decision we did send out a typed letter to everyone who was sent a save the date informing them of the change. We gave the details in great length letting them know that if they would like to join us they are more than welcome to but that it was not expected. We were very clear to everyone that there would be no formal reception and by no means expect anyone to fly all the way to florida to see a 20 minute ceremony. We are having a celebration when we return home that will be hosted with more than just a cupcake.

That makes more sense. I'll be curious to see the response. Genuinely curious, not snotty snide curious.

But the shower? I'm still on the fence about that one. Not the mother hosting part; that's never right.

We invited about 175 people originally for the full 7/4 wedding and have had about 50 RSVP yes they are coming to the new plan so far. When making the decision we decided we just planned for it to be us and our families ( most live in florida as it is) but since we did already send a save the date that we would extend the option to join us, if people wanted- again no expectations or obligation. We are actually planning to pay for the accommodations for our bridal party. This includes two nights at the hotel and all of their food while in florida. If they choose to come they will be responsible to get to florida but once there everything is covered. Many of the invited guests that have chosen to join us have turned the trip into a mini vacation. We were really surprised at the number of RSVP's.

For the shower- from the beg. before we decided on the florida wedding my MOH had never heard of bridesmaids being responsible for throwing the bridal shower. The other girls in my wedding party all wanted to throw it but she didnt think it was part of her responsibility. As of right now, there isnt any concrete plans set, simply my mom just offered to throw one if I wanted. I still go back and forth on it. 5 out of the 6 girls still think I should have one and want to be involved in the planning. I just dont really want to put that on them esp. if they are coming to florida. 4 out of 6 girls are able to make it for the wedding. The other two have prior commitments- one will be in Europe for a family reunion and the other is an event planner and has an event.

Courtney, if your guests know what to expect, then you're in the clear. You've done all you should do. Still, I'd skip the shower, but I'd still register. You'll get gifts from your registry and cash once you do your at home reception. I hope the whole thing turns out beautifully for you.

Who cares who hosts the shower... Celia, why does it bother you so much?

I just don't see how it can be cheaper to have a destination wedding, paying for 5 bridesmaids' accomodations and the back and married party vs. just one wedding (could've just chose a different date that wasn't in demand....) oh and the loss of your deposits...changing dates usually doesn't result in this...

@Allison, In the scope of what bothers me, it's pretty low on the list; it's just not really done. I've found here that most of the time, when someone posts 'this is what i'm thinking of doing, what do you think", they're looking for validation. Responses besides, "Hey, that's a great idea" just get ignored. Whether it's a cash bar, a cute wishing well poem, a potluck or not hosting a wedding reception after inviting people to a wedding, those who decide to do those things are usually not going to be swayed by some stranger on the internet telling them not to. Whether or not their guests will ever tell them what they think? Who knows.

Any kind of wedding planning behavior can be rationalized by 'this is what we want to do", 'this is what we've always done', or 'this is what is going to happen, no matter who thinks what about it."

Relatives don't host bridal showers, especially moms. It looks gift grabby. Bridal parties do (and sometimes office mates, church groups, etc, though that's a little different...). If they bridal party has no interest in that, then there isn't one.