K
Devoted September 2019

Ladies - i need your advice and encouragement with a situation...

KT4ever, on August 10, 2019 at 1:36 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6
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Have you ever had that feeling that someone wanted you to fail & in the moment, you're feeling brave & strong? Then the next day, you wake up feeling horrible. It's like those awful break ups where you feel like you got it and then the next morning, it hits you. Anyway, before my FH, I was actually friends with his cousin Donna for years. When I look back, we weren't really "friends". I was a submissive, doormat and she used me, constantly. When were first started dating, I was in the end stages of not wanting to be part of the friendship. She was manipulative, only nice when she wanted something, secretly competed against me and when jealous, would smear my name to my own friends and plant the seed in people's heads. We didn't have the friendship I thought we had. She didn't want to know about my business because she cared - she only wanted something to gossip and use against me to hurt me. I couldn't tolerate it anymore. She had her baby before she got married & she would constantly tell me that I would be next & do the same thing. She didn't know how to be cordial so I stopped talking to her altogether.

Unfortunately, the other cousins & his sister were not very cordial to me either. They pretended to care when they wanted information about our relationship but lost interest if it wasn't "drama-filled". This was a few years ago & I remember feeling so down and hurt that people he loved were just not respectful. It was a lot of passive-agressive bullying. Like they say, God's rejection is his protection. I re-built myself - I did things I wanted to do (like finally taking classpass, even if the studios were 20+ minutes away from the house), I created a whole new network of women who were more "me" - positive, encouraging, silly, non-competitive, etc... I was able to go back to school and I recently just graduated with a Master's degree and on my way to a new career, new life as wife. I've grown & I'm thankful to say I'm not the same person. The minute I dropped people like that & when I committed to bettering myself/worked hard, great things happened. Within the past few years, she still continued to do weird attention-seeking stuff, tried to hang out with my best friends without me, bugged my mom & asked her what was going on in my life (they work at the same job) & my mom thought it was strange considering days before we were all celebrating Christmas even with my FH & his whole family. Anyhoo, I wish her well but I don't want to live my life & be around someone like her who was disrespectful/rude/toxic to me. I don't dislike many people but I stayed in that "friendship" longer than I should have & that's my fault. Once you're in that zone, I can't go back & reconcile. (it's like an abusive relationship - friends discourage their friends from dating an abusive ex but why do friends encourage other friends to reconcile with an abusive friendship?). Also - weird fact: Donna's husband went to my best friend's house to "bring beer to her FH" & when she showed up, he proposed a plan of getting Donna & I back together as friends.

Recently, I had my bridal shower & the right thing to do was invite Donna. In mY FH's family, they're "my big fat Greek wedding": you invite one, you gotta invite them all. I was cordial with Donna & that was it. In fact, she spent half of my shower with two other girl cousins doing their own thing & not participating with other guests or being present. I let it go. Now recently on social media (I don't even go on my fb anymore) she apparently posted pictures of my shower with "cryptic" messages & hashtags with "wishingthemmoreluckthanme" "family is everything & no one else. People think things are handed easily to me so F them #againstallodds". Of course, mutual friends & family members are texting me, asking me what's going on. I really have no clue. And as cliché as this sounds, I'm in a completely different space. Obviously, she hasn't changed if she still does those passive-agressive posts on social media. Thankfully, FH understands from my POV & has not pushed our former friendship. He said, "I think she may be jealous & still wishes you were friends." I said, "well, if she wasn't so jealous, then she wouldn't have to treat me with disrespect...and maybe we'd still be friends to this day. And real friends build each other up, not plot your downfalls."

I seem to be in good spirits but I just don't want to wake up FEELIN it, you know? I refuse to let this distract me from the wonderful marriage I will have with my soon to be husband. There's other things to celebrate than speculate.

6 Comments

  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
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    Woah talk about toxic! It's great your FH supports your decisions. I would, in all honesty, block her from social media, your phone, and barely acknowledge her presence in your life. She doesn't deserve any more intention or energy in your life. It's got to be hard moving past something that toxic and manipulative.


    Wishing you the best!

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    Donna is a hateful person who finds joy in tearing others down. People like her are never going to be satisfied or content with themselves! I'm so glad you cut off toxic people and achieved so many great things! Stay away from Donna and all her negativity!

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  • K
    Devoted September 2019
    KT4ever ·
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    Yeah! I really don't know what her messages mean, like "wishing them more luck than me". Is that supposed to be a compliment or shade? Is that a "please pity me" or "I'm mature now and here's proof" kinda comment? So bizarre. And when did this turn into a competition? She's already married with kids.

    I do have to say in this experience (2 hours thus far haha with the social media post) - I'm thankful for a great year - finally finished that long, rigorous program; optimistic/excited for my new career; my friend and I are both brides/bridesmaids to each other's wedding, and I'm getting married! You can say I'm having a high year. What's bittersweet is that people want to be around you when you're up but those past few years were trying - everyone judged me, no one wanted to do anything with me bc my "status"/image were not the best. I was struggling.

    And yeah! I hope that's an inspirational thing for people, especially us women to get! It's awesome that we encourage each other to leave and stay away from toxic love relationships but we should also do the same with female friendships!

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  • K
    Devoted September 2019
    KT4ever ·
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    "She doesn't deserve any more intention or energy in your life."

    I will meditate and pray on this tonight. Thanks for reminding that intention and energy are EVERYTHING!

    Thank you, love! Smiley heart

    And yes, I will block her... but because those girl cousins are so tight-knit and social media obsessed, I may have to slowly do it and block or make my posts private (if that's a thing?)

    FH really believes she wants to be friends with me again and is sour-graping about it but why be friends with someone you treated so badly? I don't understand the logic behind it.

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  • Caryn
    Dedicated October 2019
    Caryn ·
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    I’ve actually been dealing with a somewhat similar situation the past week. FH and I met through a mutual friend 3 years ago, and at that point I was already starting to dislike that mutual friend. Fast forward a few years and he’s been nothing but immature, arrogant, and selfish since then, and he keeps getting worse. Long story short: Last weekend he saw an opportunity at a party when just he and I were alone and said some things that really pissed me off. I told FH about it and said I don’t want be friends with him anymore at all because he’s immature and toxic. Unfortunately, this very much upset my FH because he still wants to try to remain friends.

    I fumed about this for several days while our “friend” failed to respond to our request to talk about it on Skype. So... with my FH’s help I drafted up an email telling him exactly what he did and how it pissed me off. We were sure to focus on his behavior rather than insulting him as a person. I instantly felt better just sending the email, knowing that I’ve said my peace about the whole situation. I now couldn’t care less if he ever responds. Hopefully he’s smart enough to know that if he doesn’t respond with an apology, he shouldn’t try to talk to me at our wedding in a couple months. 😂

    I hate drama, but sometimes it slaps you in the face and you have to respond to it to make yourself feel better. Just a thought that you may want to try telling Donna in one way or another how her behavior drove you to end the friendship. Don’t be surprised though if she still thinks she did nothing wrong, it’s more for you to be able to get it off your chest.
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  • Nicole
    Super September 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Kudos to you for getting out of a toxic friendship! You're right, friends help you get out of toxic relationships but not toxic friendships.


    I think coming on here to vent was the right thing to do. We all can see this and reaffirm to you that 1. this is toxic behavior 2. She has her own issues she needs to work through 3. You are right for taking the high road and not getting involved in the drama.


    You got this!! Stay strong, and look the other way Smiley heart

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