Kids and weddings

None of her wedding related decisions are any of your business. She doesn't owe you guys anything in terms of special roles or allowing you guys to bring your kids to anything. And it's not up to her to try to mitigate every possible hurt feeling that may come up because of her wedding invitations.

As far as the engagement party - if you can go, go, if you have plans, don't go. I don't see the big hang up with that one.

You definitely don’t need to attend the engagement party, and I think it’s ridiculous the mother of the bride told you to cancel plans you already had in order to do so. As far as explaining it to your daughter, it for sure stinks, but sometimes these things happen in life. Relationships change, even between sitters and the kids they watch, and if she’s been watching your daughter for 12 years, your daughter is old enough now to learn that.

It is a hard lesson, and from the other posts on this forum, one many brides and Bridesmaids or MOH have trouble with in their twenties. How can someone you considered essential to your life step back from that, or how can two people once close, drift apart? It is most noticeable in cases where brides choose bridal parties as much as 2 years out, and in the last year, neither feels as close to the other. Most kids first come up against this when a friend moves, even a town away. Or at 14-16 when one suddenly puts any romantic interest of even 2 weeks above long term friends. But the other area, which you should have explained years ago, and need her to understand before she makes attachments to high school or college teaching or coaching staff, or employers , whether at 16 or 24, : People who are paid to work with or for you get close as part of their caretaking role, and when the school year or job changes over, the attach.ent tapers off, and the employed person transfers that closeness to their next charge. It is by nature a serial relationship. Many a young person is taken advantage of sexually by older people supposed to be working for or with them, from scout leaders and teachers and coaches and clergy, to high school teachers, professors, and employers years older. Parents have an obligation to teach kids from an early age, the difference between usual family and friends, and those paid to care for a child or young adult. You do not seem to clear on this yourself, nor is the overbearing mom. You think a promise made while someone was in your employ is personal and good forever. Wrong. And the overbearing mother thinks you the parents who employed this young woman for 12 years must still and always be the primary connection, not your child. Also wrong. I think you need to clarify in your mind the whole employer, hired caretaker, and child cared for, relationships. You may want to have your daughter, or your family with daughter helping, pick out a gift, not a big one , whether or not you go to the wedding. To show your appreciation for the years past when you all had a cordial relationship. But now she is caring for someone new. And in time, her own children and relationship will take precedence over whoever she is working for then, or worked with in the past. The cycles of life hit hard at first. Hard to watch the loving nature of it fade, especially in a one sided way. So the picking and giving a gift, is sort of marking and acknowledging the fact that this is a transitional time. And you need not rearrange any parts of your schedule if you see your daughter, not yourselves, as the primary connection. Did it occur to you that for 10 or more years, the caretaker's Mom heard her talk about you and your husband, as much as your daughter, or more? And sees your not making her daughter a priority, as you see her daughter no longer keeping up with your child in first position? She confuses you as employers as her daughter's friends. You confuse someone you paid to take care of your daughter, as primarily your daughter's friend. And so this leads to a heart-wrenching feeling when you two do not show continuing love and loyalty to the caretaker, as she no longer does for the child. All along, her flower girl promises may have been to make you and your husband happy, not your daughter at all. And now, you do not have a pressing interest in going to her engagement party or wedding as a couple without your daughter. You are breaking the relationship she thought she had, with you and your husband.

As someone who had an adults only wedding I can tell you that it isn't personal against your child. I don't think the bride owes your daughter or any other children any kind of explanation. It's your job to explain to her that while it stinks, the party is only for grown ups. There's really no other way to explain it to he other than that. If she has been your babysitter for that long, then your daughter is presumably at least 12 and that's old enough for her to understand.

Explain to daughter that 12 is too old for flower girl. (I’m guessing bride may have close friends/family she’d rather include as well?)

As a a long time friend of the family, I can understand why daughter feels hurt by what she may interpret as babysitter not keeping her word - she’s still a child. But as her parents it’s YOUR job to help her navigate these feelings of disappointment and maybe even rejection. It’s a good opportunity to teach her to manage her expectations and not take things like this personally. No kid weddings are very common. Don’t embellish, don’t put words in babysitter’s mouth, don’t theorize. (In her case, she may especially want it to be child-free. She’s with kids ALL the time!) The COUPLE are entitled to have whatever kind of wedding they want. Encourage her to be happy for her babysitter! If she sits for you again soon, give her the heads up that your daughter’s feelings were hurt (not in a guilting way) and she may want to reassure her it’s not personal.

As far as the engagement party, MOB needs to stay in her lane. If it will cause you ANY inconvenience, politely decline and maybe even send a gift. On the card, state that you are happy for the couple and look forward to the wedding. Keep in mind that MOB may be in bridezilla-type mode and the attitude is not coming from the bride. Mom’s feelings about any of it are completely irrelevant.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. OP, you were this girl's employer. While you may have developed a close relationship with her over the years, that's all you were and she doesn't owe you anything much less an explanation for her wedding-related decisions. Could you imagine your employer demanding an explanation from you regarding your wedding?

Essentially you're upset because you feel as though your ex employee should have your child in your wedding even though she wants an adult only / kids free wedding?

She may have planned the wedding to be kid free for financial or other reasons. She honestly may not have even remembered the flower girl comments. I know it’s frustrating and you daughter is hurt. Maybe she can write a heartfelt card to the bride and that can be sent to the engagement party. If you are able to attend I would go and show support. I honestly wouldn’t bring up any hurt feelings with the bride.

I would let your daughter address the bride when she feels like she can. I wpuldnt get involved as the adult just yet. I also wouldnt neccessarily make it a priority to attend the shower if you already have plans. See how everything plays out but dont upset. Continue to take 1 day at a time...

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This... all of this. Especially the part about it being your role to help your daughter navigate any disappointment she has here. This is a good lesson for her - people don't always follow through on what we perceive as promises. Don't bring this up with the bride. Just decide if you want to go to any of the wedding events and go or do not go.

I can relate to this in a lot of way. I was a nanny to a family for several years, their mom was also my massage therapist and a wonderfully supportive family friend throughout my late high school and college years. She was a great confidant and trusted female in my life. I did not invite this family to the wedding. While I love them dearly, there simply was not space. It was nothing personal there just simply wasn’t space compared to family and lifelong friends. Im sure I mentioned her being at my wedding someday too. I’m sure I also mentioned when their daughter was 6 she might be my flower girl when I had just started dating my now fiancé. Well now she’s 14 and we decided not to have any kids in the wedding. Again, nothing personal, just the decisions that were made and we felt having a 14 year old who is taller than me as a flower girl would be odd lol. My point is, people talk, people also change. At that point in my life I truly meant those things. Well I moved on to other things in life and distanced from them so my choice changed. They were disappointed but understood and that’s all there is. I think you’re reading too much into all of this, it’s nothing personal against your daughter, it’s just how they’ve planned their wedding. Help your daughter to understand this and prepare her for the reality of life. How many little girls talk about being in each other’s weddings in their early teenage years only to not even be talking by the time the wedding comes? This is the same thing. As a former nanny I understand not feeling the typical employer/employee relationship, but it’s important your daughter comes to induratand important people don’t stay in our lives forever in the same way.

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This x1000.

I'm having an adults only wedding BECAUSE I work with high schoolers all day and at my wedding I don't want to deal with it at all. I love my students, but I don't need to be reminded of my job on the day I'm getting married. Their decision to have a child free wedding is almost 100% not personal to your daughter and you need to figure out how to explain that to her. There will be lots of times of disappointment like this in your child's life, this is the perfect opportunity to explain how to deal with those emotions and allow her to not hold a grudge over something that is nothing.

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