Kids and family weddings wHen their not invited. Advice please!!

I think since you are coming from overseas and it's probably more than one night. and since its costing you 10 grand you should feel the way you do. Did you remind him you're from overseas? did you remind him that you're dropping probably at least half of the cost of their entire wedding to come? Would your kids be ok with no other kids their age to play with? If I were you and I made sure he understood where I was coming from and he still said no, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want my kids to feel bad about me going (if I had kids) if they couldn't come.

You have the option to decline if you cannot be with out your children for 4 hours.

ETA: Children do not belong at EVERY event in life. If they are disappointed, oh well, that is a part of life.

Yep, what Jet said. Those few hours of the ceremony and reception are about your brother and his new wife. Respect their wishes. If you're unable to leave your kids with a sitter (weather it be out of inconvenience, principle, whatever) - my advice is to go to the ceremony with your kids and then skip the reception.

There really is no advise to be given. Your brother and his wife have opted to have an Adult Only reception and even though you would have to travel overseas to attend they have every right to keep the vision that they have in their head for their big day and you have to respect their wishes.

Either you can decline the invitation based on your children not being able to attend; you can leave your children home with a person you feel comfortable to watch them for that long and happily attend your brother's wedding (while saving a bit of $ by not bringing them) or you can bring them with you and find a sitter for the night. Like Jet said, children do not belong at every event and this so happens to be one of those times that your brother thinks so.

I wouldn't push the situation, you will hear plenty of brides on here rant about how that happened to them, and just accept the fact. Trying to convince him otherwise may cause conflict between him and his fiancee

My bil got married last year in BC, the kids were invited but we couldn't afford 4 flights plus meals etc for the kids. They enjoyed a vacation with my parents while fh and I attended the wedding.

Would your in laws watch the kids while you and fh attend the wedding? They could have just as much fun with them, if not more because no other children would be there

I agree with Jet. I think it's unreasonable that parents can't go to event without their children. I think it's even more unreasonable to try to convince your brother and his fiancé otherwise. Sure they will be disappointed. But it won't be their first or last disappointment in life. It's a good lesson for them.

If they have instituted a no kids rule you should respect that, and leave the kids with a sitter. Don't even tell them your upset about it. Its not your day.

I really think they should have given some consideration to the fact that you are traveling overseas. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect that your kids get to attend given the travel. I think I would save the 10 thousand and stay home.

*I smell a little bit of troll, but I will proceed anyway.. this is probably the only time we've seen the "other" side of the "no kids" rule.*

I think your feelings are very valid, but this decision isn't really yours to make for them. This is what your brother and/or his future spouse have chosen to do. Simple as that. Personally, I'm shocked that even "kids of close family" aren't invited especially if the Groom has close family out of the country. In that case, I highly doubt you'd be the only set of parents that are out of luck.

$10K is a lot of money to drop... unless you can leave the kids at home with a trustworthy person that you know, then I guess you won't be able to attend the wedding. Personally, the simple cost of 4 people traveling would be enough for me to say, "okay, we're cutting costs somewhere, and that means the kids aren't able to come.. we can't afford it if they are there.

Depends on what you want to do. I wouldn't push this subject anymore with the Bride and Groom. They have a right to make this particular request.

Agreed with rusticbride. While it's not your place to push the request further, your feelings are valid. Yes, they probably should have thought about you coming from overseas, however you have most likely had the opportunity to prepare for this trip and cut costs as much as possible, including deciding not to bring your children.

Good luck.

If this is true…. I wouldn't go to the wedding. You're traveling overseas with your kids - so how are you expected to get a babysitter that you can trust? And why fly all that way with 2 people/kids who aren't invited to the reception. And you're not likely to leave the kids at home because since the wedding is your bother, I'm assuming your whole family will be at the wedding.

So stay home. Save your money. Or make a family vacation of it, go to the ceremony and then go family sightseeing during the reception.

ETA: Again, IF this is real, those of you who are saying leave the kids with a sitter didn't read the entire thing - the wedding is overseas.

Maybe she just created an account to ask? I thought about doing that before I found out that you all here are so darn helpful.

The couple has no obligation to invite your children to the wedding even if you believe your children should be an exception as they are close to your brother. The guest list isn't your decision.

BUT - I DO think the bride and groom are being very inconsiderate in this case. They should have been more considerate of the fact that you are traveling overseas and spending a huge amount of money. Most parents wouldn't travel overseas to a wedding and leave their kids at home for several days. It's your brother so it's not like it's distant family. It's immediate family. Missing the wedding is not a great option when it's your own brother. Many couples make exceptions for immediate family kids.

Also it is super rude for *anyone* - including kids - to be invited to the ceremony and not the reception. Weddings are all or nothing. You don't split the day into two. And you certainly don't tell people that they can come to the ceremony but you're not going to feed them a meal afterward - even kids.

So overall while I am all for kid-free weddings, in this case I think your brother and FSIL are being unfair and inconsiderate.

You are right, not everyone enjoys them. You do have to admit many other brides here have made exception for people traveling a long way to get to the wedding.

What if it is a destination wedding? Most people you trust with your kids will attend. Then what? Troll or not, it is a valid question. I think seeing things from all perspectives is a good way to go.

This is a hard situation. I think your approach is great: you're figuring it out, are hurt, but don't want to bring it up to your brother because it's his wedding and his decision.

I can always see both sides of the coin when it comes to no-kid weddings. Many couples on WW are doing the no-kid thing and are very opinionated about it, from what I can tell. We're inviting absolutely everyone and I don't care if babies are crying or kids are running about. That just doesn't bother us or mess with whatever laid back "vision" we have.

I think any decision you make will be a hard one and will lead to disappointing the kids, your brother, or yourselves. There is no way to get around at least some hurt feelings when people chose the no-kid wedding setup.

...the username is "feelingtorn" I smell a troll.

Thanks for all your feedback. I did create this acc to ask the question, where else I thought to ask something like this. Don't really know what you mean by troll?? Of course I wouldn't decline my own brothers wedding. I also leave my kids for more than four hours on a daily basis, I'm not precious or worried about leaving them with a sitter. That's not my problem and I wasn't asking for a solution but an opinion, which I certainly got! I'm almost sorry I asked. Thanks to those that understood. As I said I understand times and situations where children are not suitable for weddings but I do think that there are times that they should. You guys realise they are humans, they will grow up to be adults and yes they will learn disappointment, I'd hope not too much from their immediate family but nonetheless they are people just like you and me. Again I can appreciate adult events, I don't consider weddings to be one but that is just my personal opinion. Thanks again.

We have people travelling from overseas for our wedding and have decided that in terms of kids, we will include those aged six and under - which includes my brother's kids and one bridesmaid's kids (none others travelling). There may be a few other local kids who do come as well but the majority of our guests are looking forward to a night without the kids.

The primary wishes are those of the bride and groom. You may see it as just allowing your kids, and what's the problem, but the real problem is that other people's kids have been ommitted and those people probably feel (rightly or wrongly) that they have been 'inconvenienced" too, especially when they see kids at the wedding. Your brother is trying to create a certain environment.

Your not being unreasonable. But they may not be either. I know the situation is not exactly the same but when I got married my husband and I opted for a small wedding. (30 people including ourselves) I called all my friends and family who had children and explained how much their children meant to us and that we couldnt wait to spend time with them after we got back from our honeymoon. Since then I have had a little one and have been asked the same thing by other friends who decided on having a wedding without children present. I absolutely admit having the shoe on the other foot made me realize what a sacrifice it was for my friends to make arrangements for their children when attending our wedding. It really made me appreciate them even more for doing that for me when I asked them. Supporting a couple getting married and being close to them is not just about the wedding. it is about being there for each other long after the ceremony ends. The wedding is only one day. Family is forever and we all make sacrifices for each other. That's what love does. Hope this helps.