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Super May 2023

Kiddie conundrum

Pat, on March 24, 2021 at 10:41 PM Posted in Wedding Reception 0 22

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Okay folks. I'm 66, he's 68 and this ain't our first rodeo. 😉 Small wedding- 50 to 60 people. Our problem? His grandkids. We have mostly out of state guests coming, so their children (age range 5 to 13) will be invited becuase, really, can't leave them home or alone at the hotel. His step-daughter has 2 children, 8 and 12, and they live in our town. Neither one of us wants the kids at the reception. However, she is a loud mouth and ballsy, and will most likely kick up a fuss because her kids weren't included. I'd reallyoce to NOT invite her at all, but ...

So. . Do we tell her upfront what will be happening or just let it ride and hope for the best?

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22 Comments

Latest activity by Emily, on March 27, 2021 at 8:12 PM

Devoted October 2021
Kk · on March 24, 2021 at 10:52 PM
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If you're really set on not inviting them, I would tell her upfront so she doesn't cause a scene day-of when she realizes that her kids were the only ones not invited. Do the kids all know each other? 8 and 12 is old enough to realize that they are being left out.
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Super May 2023
Pat · on March 24, 2021 at 10:55 PM
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No, the kids won't know anyone. Again, other children will be from out-of-state. (There will be 4 children total)
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Devoted October 2021
Kk · on March 24, 2021 at 10:57 PM
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Gotcha! I would still tell the mom ahead of time, especially if you don't really care if she comes anyway LOL. The last thing you want is for someone to cause drama on your wedding day.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on March 24, 2021 at 11:03 PM
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If you don't want to invite stepdaughter, stand your ground. Don't send an invite. That will make it perfectly clear. Also have security which most venues require. But kids are all or nothing thing and this will damage any relationship you may have with them.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on March 25, 2021 at 12:01 AM
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So you’re going to invite everyone else’s children except hers? I’m confused. Why don’t you want the stepdaughter invited? How does your FH feel about you wanting to exclude one of his children?
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on March 25, 2021 at 2:42 AM
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This will cause drama and lots of hurt feelings.
Can you cut off kids at 13? And provide a babysitter/movie night for the rest?
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Liz · on March 25, 2021 at 2:46 AM
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If you’re inviting other kids and not his grandkids then I think it would be natural for their mom to be upset. If there is a specific reason for wanting to exclude them, then your FH needs to have that conversation with his step-daughter. If neither of you want her at the wedding either, then agree on that and don’t invite her. In either scenario, consider the impact it will have on the relationship with the step-daughter and grandchildren in the future.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on March 25, 2021 at 6:13 AM
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Obviously this isn’t what you asked, but if one of my parents was getting married and chose to invite all other children except mine, they’d never see my child again. You might be prepared for that, but is your FH willing to give up his relationship with his step-daughter and his grandchildren?
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on March 25, 2021 at 7:10 AM
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This really should be an all or nothing thing. Of course you are in charge of who you invite, but excluding one grandchild is kind of a “shots fired” situation.
If you don’t invite the step daughter and granddaughter, that’s a pretty clear indication of no desire for a friendship.
Why not have an adults only reception?
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Devoted July 2021
Ty · on March 25, 2021 at 8:17 AM
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Say no kids and stick to your guns. Coincidentally I had this conversation twice yesterday with two separate families: 1. Typed his son name into the comments section on the RSVP, 2. Called and said they already booked a ticket for their 4 year old and if we could make the exception. We decided no to ALL, it’s going to be tough but we’re sticking by it.
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Super May 2023
Pat · on March 25, 2021 at 8:21 AM
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His step-daughter hasn't been a part of his life for 9 years. We moved to FL, and suddenly she wants to connect..... by sending requests to buy girl scout cookies. No card or call on Father's Day or Birthday. I suck it up and invite them over for after-Christmas, have gifts for the kids, and she swaggers on in empty handed! Not even a cheap card, or a framed picture of the kids! So no, I don't give a crap weather she attends or not and neither does my FH.
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on March 25, 2021 at 8:26 AM
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I agree with this.
Allowing all children but hers would be rude. I would invite her but let her know she needs to find childcare for the evening. Or you and your FH can provide it for all of your guests.
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Devoted February 2021
Jessica · on March 25, 2021 at 8:42 AM
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Book a separate room either at the hotel or your venue and hire someone to watch all the kids in that room do pizzas and movies and be done with it we opted not to have kids and all of our guests were coming out of town and they were completely OK with it so it’s how far you want to push it with her
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Liz · on March 25, 2021 at 8:51 AM
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In that case, sounds like the easiest solution is not to invite any of them.
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on March 25, 2021 at 9:06 AM
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If you don’t care ever to see her again, then this is a non issue, don’t invite them.
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Devoted June 2021
Liz · on March 25, 2021 at 11:50 AM
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A. Of the other kids are invited, I don’t know how you could un invite other kids.

B. They’re his grandchildren. How do you not have them there?
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Expert September 2021
MK · on March 25, 2021 at 11:54 AM
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I don't think that you should invite one family with children and not another. Especially seeing that this family is your future husband's daughter and his grandchildren. I'm all for having a wedding with no children, but it has to be applied to everyone, or no one! IMO!
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Super May 2023
Pat · on March 25, 2021 at 12:42 PM
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Thanks for all your input. Again, this is NOT a cherished daughter- when her mom died she cut all ties to my FH. She suddenly comes back in when we move here, and yet we only hear from her when she wants something. FH has no concerns if she gets angry and doesn't see us, as we haven't heard a peep from her since Christmas. I think we will tell her upfront about the kiddo situation and make it more about them having more fun and relaxed being kid-free. That way she can't say FH left her out.
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on March 25, 2021 at 1:06 PM
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It sounds like you are borrowing trouble. If you haven’t heard from her in months, and don’t want anything to do with her, why get in touch with her just to tell her she and her family aren’t invited? That’s pointless.
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Dedicated March 2017
Barbara · on March 25, 2021 at 3:53 PM
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We had a very similar situation (we're older too). Some of his kids and grandkids boycotted the wedding (no support for a second marriage), so that was good. The grandchildren who came were in their teens and not behavior problems. We sat them together with a few of our younger guests and it was fine. For other guests, I simply told them no kids. They magically found babysitters. Some people set age limits; maybe creatively doing that would work, but it would have to be fair to everyone -- so no exceptions. Some people say kids of immediate family members (grandchildren in this case) are ok, but no others. Do what makes you happy and stick to it; if you don't want stepdaughter and kids there, don't invite them. Although if it's up for discussion, now or later, I'd let FH handle it, lest you be viewed as the wicked stepmother.
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