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Savvy September 2023

Junior Bridesmaid Etiquette

Sophia, on September 1, 2022 at 10:16 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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Alright so in the past I made a post asking if my FH’s step sisters (10 & 11) were too old the be flower girls. General consensus was that it’s not weird for them to be FGs. However I talked with my FSIL today & I feel like I’m back to square one.

FFIL & his wife are great in many ways, but also like being in control. Example: My FSIL was telling me that she did NOT plan to have FGs or anything at her wedding 3 yrs ago but her dad & step mom called her one day while driving by the venue and said (with their daughters in the car) that when they drove by the daughters asked if they were going to be FGs (highly doubt the children would actually ask that 🙄 but from there my FSIL felt forced to make them FGs at that point bc they specially said it with the girls there.) FSIL said their parents tried to push for the girls to get ready with the bridal party but my FSIL made it so inconvenient (scheduling it earlier than the girls like to get up, etc) so they finally dropped it.
FSIL said she thinks the girls are too old now to be FGs & that FFIL & wife will probably expect & push for them to be junior bridesmaids bc apparently that’s a thing that side of the family has done a lot. She assured me that if I do make them junior bridesmaids I can still say that the bridal suite is adults only & that they can walk down the aisle first and maybe even bring my nieces (who are little & more ideal FG ages) in on a wagon if I want, & then sit down in the front row. I’m already potentially having 5 bridesmaids which feels like a lot to me so I don’t want 7 people standing on my side. OR she said I just say no junior bridesmaids & no FGs/RBs & keep it super simple.
Was thinking that if they are junior bridesmaids I could make a nice “proposal” for them that maybe has a card that shows their duties, such as “escort the FGs/RB down the aisle” “help with the bridal shower” etc. & then just prep myself to put my foot down of adults ONLY in the bridal suite.
Is all this okay etiquette?? Honestly I’m just annoyed to have to think about all this so delicately but I’m also not looking to create tension so early in planning.

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Sophia, on September 3, 2022 at 2:23 PM

Super May 2022
Erin · on September 1, 2022 at 11:49 PM
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I’d encourage really thinking about whether you really want them to have roles in the wedding. No matter how much parents/grandparents push, suggest, or even complain, at the end of the day, it is your wedding and therefore your decision. My husband’s niece was only a year old at the time of our wedding, so we chose not to have a FG. Sure, that ruffled my MIL’s feathers a bit, but she eventually got over it because it was *our* wedding and *our* choice. My SIL and her husband didn’t really care. It was mainly MIL pushing for it.

If you do decide to make them part of the wedding, I wouldn’t go that far on a proposal. I know things have sort of changed when it comes to weddings, but when my cousin decided to make me and my sister junior bridesmaid and flower girl in the early 2000s, she just gave my parents a call and told them 😬
I would also suggest not necessarily giving them “duties” like helping with the showers. They are kids and don’t really have an obligation other than walking up the aisle and wearing a specific outfit on the day of.
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Savvy September 2023
Sophia · on September 2, 2022 at 12:13 AM
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I’m wondering that, too. My FH has already said he doesn’t want to do anything simply bc our family wants us to - & he’s willing to say that to anyone’s face. His opinion is that if active expects decision power bc they gave money, they can keep their money & we’ll do whatever we want with the day. I think the girls would be thrilled to be involved somehow, but I think they’d also be excited for the wedding either way.

Very fair - I know my sister just gave her FG a little card to ask. Bc of how extra weddings are now, bigger “proposals” have become more common but they really aren’t necessary.
That’s fair on the “duties” part - I was more wondering if that would make them feel special but like you said, they are kids & I would just expect them to be there for the ceremony & enjoy the reception with the family.
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Super May 2022
Erin · on September 2, 2022 at 12:30 AM
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That’s a good man right there ☺️ It’s definitely harder when FH is the kind that just wants to please others to get out of conflict. It makes boundary setting as a married couple much more difficult. It’s good that you guys have already gone over how you two will go about decisions with the planning when it comes to others giving input and also money with the wedding. It sounds like you are starting out with a strong foundation communication-wise. However you choose, I think it will turn out great 😊
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VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on September 2, 2022 at 12:01 PM
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It doesn't sound like anything has changed since your last thread -- your in-laws are still pressuring you to include them but you're still not comfortable with it. If you decide to have them, it would be difficult for them to get ready if you won't allow them in the bridal suite, as they would probably need hair styling and the hair stylists can't be in two places at once. If you don't want that many people on your side, you need to out your foot down and ignore others' opinions. Or since they're part of your FH's family, they can stand with him, so he needs to make that choice instead of putting it all on your shoulders. (It's totally OK for girls or women to be on the groom's side.)
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Super September 2022
Ashlee · on September 3, 2022 at 9:05 AM
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If you don't want them standing on your side. Hold strong and just say "we've chosen our wedding party and will not be including junior bridesmaids or flower girls" If they continue pushing, no is a complete answer. Say no, change the subject. Make sure your fiancé holds to it too, as it's his family.
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CM · on September 3, 2022 at 1:27 PM
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The only inappropriate part, as mentioned already, is your plan to include that part of the junior bridesmaid's "duties" included helping at the bridal shower. The role is an honor, and helping out at a shower, also optional itself BTW, is voluntary, not something you would ever properly assign.
Otherwise, as others say, you are under no obligation to have junior bridesmaids at all. That said, I'd probably do it, not due to family pressure but to be inclusive. I don't find it so very hard to believe that girls that age might ask about being in a wedding or that it might be meaningful to them.
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Savvy September 2023
Sophia · on September 3, 2022 at 1:51 PM
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That is a fair point! If they had a role (JBM or FG, etc) I wouldn’t *need* them to do anything, just would want them to feel included & have a good time. The “duties” thing had come to mind because I had heard of some brides doing that as a way to keep the young ones involved & make them feel like they are helpful. I can see how that would vary from person-to-person, though. I think some kids could be excited by feeling like they have “jobs” whereas other kids wouldn’t, so it depends on the person, for sure.

They are at that age where I definitely think they’d be excited to be included. I’m worried that by adding extra roles and people, I’ll also be adding to the stress in planning and on the day. If I have them as JBMs that would mean 6-7 girls on my side, 2 FGs (nieces) and a RB (nephew). Just feels like a big jump in numbers & stress since we originally talked about 25 guests with only a couple standing up there with us.
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Savvy September 2023
Sophia · on September 3, 2022 at 2:00 PM
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If I decided to have them as JBMs, could I have them join us in the bridal suite maybe for like the last 30-40 minutes, or something? Maybe that would be harder to coordinate…I love them & don’t think they’d cause issues or anything, I just want to set myself up for 0 worries or stress for the wedding day.

Also would it be bad etiquette to have them walk down the aisle first or escort the FGs (if I have FGs they’d be about 1 & 2 yrs old) down the aisle & then sit down with their parents?
I could definitely see it being fine for them to be on the groom's side since they are his sisters (have several friends who have had mixed parties). I think if the girls were in it, they’d want to be on my side, though.
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VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on September 3, 2022 at 2:05 PM
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I think having them each escort a flower girl and then sit down would be fine! (There's really no "etiquette" when it comes to who walks down the aisle when, etiquette is more for stuff like who to invite and dealing with rude guests.) I think figuring out the bridal suite will be the bigger hurdle for you. They will need to get dressed and get their hair done somewhere, maybe at a salon beforehand? That would probably require a conversation with their parents.
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Savvy September 2023
Sophia · on September 3, 2022 at 2:23 PM
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Thank you for helping me bounce thoughts around!!

I think it will help with the bridal suite decision when I know what I and the adult bridal party will be doing hair & makeup wise. Right now that’s a big question mark to be dealt with later! Haha
I just really want to make sure that if I involve them in the ceremony, it’s in an appropriate way that makes them feel special and aligns with my priorities for the day.
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