Juggling Parents and In-laws

H’s parents both passed away before I met him but his aunt lives next door to us and another great uncle lives on the other side. My parents live about 2 miles away and my grandparents live even closer. I’m a SAHM and my mom is taking care of my grandparents so not working. I see her once a week with my kids while H is at work, and we see her and my dad together probably once a month. We see his aunt in passing a lot (it was way more but we set some boundaries) and schedule time with her about once a month. My grandparents we see every few months. Between sharing custody of my oldest, the kids seeing their friends, us being able to see our friends, and us being able to make time for dates, we couldn’t see anyone more than we do now. It would just be so much chaos.

We see his parents about once every other week, and same with my mom. My parents are divorced so we see my dad about once a month or so. I agree the holidays can be stressful - I host Thanksgiving and just invite whoever then during Christmas time we are just super busy going to 3 or 4 different places in 2 days.

FH and I both have divorced parents as well.

I see my mom and step dad a couple times a month but my mom and I talk on the phone all the time when we are driving home from work!

I see my dad and step mom probably the same amount and I call my dad probably once per week just to catch up.

FH sees his mom and step dad once a month maybe but talks with his mom at least 1-2 times per week on the phone.

He sees his dad and step mom rarely. Talks to his dad a couple times a month on the phone!

We don't live in the same towns as all of our parents. We live 20 minutes away from both sets of my parents and then we live 30-ish minutes from FH's mom and step dad and a good 45 minutes from FH's dad and step mom. When we did live in the same town as my parents the seeing each other/talking to each other was the same. No big change!

I would say that if you want more alone time with FH, do just that! Dedicate, for example, Sundays to laying on the couch and watching movies and enjoying each others company! Or going out and having a "date" day!

We live in the same city as my parents and my inlaws. Neither set is divorced so, it does make visits a bit easier (plus they all get along so occasionally we see everyone all at once).

My family is closer than FH's family so, we see them a bit more. On average I'd say we see my family every other week for dinner (on a weeknight) and I call my mom at least twice a week (and text her much more frequently). FH rarely calls his parents and we see them once a month or so for dinner (again on a weeknight). We highly prioritize our weekends as couple/friend time and try to avoid scheduling family things unless it is a special occasion or party. Honestly, our parents (especially my mom) would love to see us more but, we had to set boundaries somewhere and ensure we have time for just the two of us too.

Some months are busier than others. Due to a lot of celebrations and events, we saw FH's family 3 times last week and we did start to get a bit burnt out.

For holidays we try and split it up as evenly as possible. For example, we will do Christmas Day with one family and Boxing Day with the other side, rotating who gets Christmas day each year. We always save Christmas Eve as something for just the two of us.

Ha no I would not be the one to advice.

-I do not see or associate with my bio fathers side.

-My mother and two sisters always need rides or someone to go to stuff and they show up at my house randomly and unannounced. My little sister practically lives with us. this all drives my FH crazy but I think he has somewhat gotten used to it especially since my little sister is going to collage next week. I personally wouldn't have it any other way (most days)

-I am not currently speaking to his father (long story although he (his father) doesn't know it. FH works with him though and they carpool every day and even though FH knows they (his dad's whole family) are a bunch of a**holes, he is still somewhat close sorta kinda

-his mother lives 2 hours away and they have never been close (she left when he was really young) since the engagement and her own recent (courthouse type) wedding, she has been planning all kinds of activities with us. I really enjoy her company but have to be mindful that he feels about like I would if my bio father tried to hop back into my life. He is really close to her parents who also live 2 hours away and we try to visit them at least once a month and he calls at least once a week often more if things are happening.

basically if you and him enjoy being close to family just keep it up and you will get used to it but if you would prefer more alone time just start saying no. don't reach out as much. allot only a certain amount of time (say once every two weeks or less) and give them no more time. make up excuses and set those boundaries!

Hey. I feel your pain. My parents are divorced and my FH parents never married each other but married other people. We live in Tampa. My mom lives like 10 mins from us so we are closest with her. We normally have one dinner with her a week, but if we can’t it’s not a big deal. My dad lives in Pittsburgh, him and I text a couple times a week nothing crazy just checking in or if something reminds us of eachother. My FFIL lives in Boca (4 hours from us) we hear from them every now and then, they’ve come to see us once (when we first moved here 2 years ago) and we’ve gone there 4 times since we moved. My FMIL lives in Knoxville, I talk to her once a week sometimes more mainly via text checking in. She’s visited us 6 times since we moved here and we’ve visited her 3 times. I will say it’s not easy to keep in good contact with all of the parents and the siblings (plus I have 7 nieces and nephews) but I just do the best I can.

I might be the weird one here, but H and I live about 5 minutes from his parents and 5 minutes from my parents. We see them all once a week. My in laws and parents get along almost too well, so we all hang out together quite consistently. I love it!

Oh I forgot to add we do the holiday shuffle as well but we have agreed asap we are selling our house and moving to a town about 30 minutes away. (This will be an easy drive for family) We will get a bigger house and establish that we are hosting holidays at our house. Anyone that wants to come is welcome but we will no longer attend holidays with extended family.

1. My parents (excluding bio dad because forget about him) will definitely be in attendance

2. My dad's (adopted dad) family always host there own parties that we don't like going to and I kind of think they are going to dye out with the older generation

3. My moms family stopped hosting parties when my gpa got sick

4. His dads family may or may not come but he couldn't care less because he doesn't spend holidays with them anyways (this is the same with his mom and her husband)

5. His grandparents may not be able to make the drive (only 1.5 hours after the move) so we may make an exception about extended family for them.

really think about what you and him expect from holidays. If you never really liked your families parties, you just always went then consider not going for a year and see how much more you enjoy your holiday.

My fiance and I both have divorced parents. In my opinion, it's nicer when they are all in the same town. It's WAY more of a pain when it becomes a trip to see them, because you have to take days off work, fly/drive, then really make great use of every second you are there. Rather than the parents in town, you can just see for lunch or dinner. We probably see our parents 2-3 times a month for dinners. We see my mom more, but she just runs little errands over or helps me with stuff.

We live in FL, my parents in DC, his in WA and SC.
I’m I’m an only child, and I talk to both of my parents twice every day during the week because the 3 of us have super long commutes. I see my family 1-2 times each year. We see his family 1-2 times each year. We split and alternate holidays. This year we are doing our honeymoon over Christmas and New Years So we can relax. We Snapchat and text his HE aged sisters daily, he texts his family when there’s something to talk about, Calls them on special occasions.

We see FFIL and his GF all the time. They live next door. I could stand to see a bit less of them some weeks, but I know he's getting older and needs FH's help with things more and more. (A huge part of why we built our house next to his.)

My dad & stepmom live about 40 minutes away. We see them about every 6-8 weeks between holidays, birthdays, or just because days. Dad and I decided awhile back we wouldn't go more than 2 weeks without one of us calling just to check in. I text with my step mom sporadically. Dad will literally take notes when we talk and fills her in on any "news". 😂 I would actually like to see more of them, and with my dad retiring this past June, we probably will. If we lived in the same town again, we would definitely see them more.

My mom is a different story. She lives halfway across the country and I haven't actually seen her in almost 6 1/2 years. She actually called me today for the first time in maybe 2 months. She barely even texts me or responds in the group text with her and my sister. We used to talk all the time though. Idk what happened there and my sister hasn't told me that mom is upset with me for anything. Of all of our parents, she's the only one that we'd probably have boundary issues with if we lived in the same town.

Holidays we alternate. FH's family never celebrates on the actual day. My family always does. We alternate between my dad's and my grandparents' houses for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Easter & July 4th are always spent with FH's family.

We both come from divorced and mostly remarried parents as well. His mom and sister live out of town (in different towns also) so we see them 1-3 times a year. Both of my parents and his dad and step mom live here. We see his dad once every couple of months. My family is suuuuper tight knit and we celebrate every birthday, holiday, etc. so we typically see either side of my family 1-3 times a month (sometimes more like October when every weekend is a birthday). It honestly bugs me we don’t see his dad more regularly but he has younger kids (6-13 and fh is 26) so they are frequently too busy.

Thank you everyone for your replies! This has been super helpful. It looks like my husband and I see our parents more often than most of you. I like this word some of you have used: “boundaries,” I think we need to work on setting some, lol. Thanks again!!

I visit my parents on a weekly basis and he see's his 3-4 days a week (they life in the next building) but this is on weekdays-- we only give our parents joint custody of us once a month each.

We live in the same city. I'm really close with my mom so I talk to her 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on the kind of weeks/days we've had. I see her about twice a month, every other week we try to meet up and do lunch or dinner.

His family is insistent on dinner every Sunday which we frequently turn down as of late because it's just too much. We see them once a week or very close to it. His mom calls him daily. If he doesn't answer she texts me and asks why he's not answering her. It's a good time.

View Quoted Comment Oh man! That’s weird she texts you if he doesn’t answer! My husband emails with his mom every morning and I think she called him once or twice after he hadn’t replied for a while. Occasionally they even get in fights over email, it’s kind of bizarre. I text my mom every morning, but mainly because she lives alone and I just want to make sure she’s okay, and we talk on the phone once or twice a week. My husband sees his mom every week and I also see my mom every week. And sometimes I will go with him to see his mom and he will go with me to see mine, so sometimes we see both moms in one week. It’s just starting to feel a bit much, especially because iwr often see them on the weekend. We used to do stuff with the both moms together but they kind of got in a little fight at our wedding so I don’t think that’s going to happen for a while (it was so random and weird). I told my husband that we should try to see them more during the week instead of the weekends and we both think they will be fine with that (and if not, they will just have to deal).

As for you, dinner every Sunday is just too much for your FH’s parents to expect! It’s important to have some quality time on the weekend alone as a couple. Your situation with your mom sounds perfect though.

We don't like in the same city as the inlaws and never will for that reason. We want the separation and to not be guilted into seeing them constantly. They live 2.5hrs away and we see them every other month, sometimes more. One of their other sons calls daily and so they expect my FH to be that way and he's just not.
We're living with my mom right now while we're in grad school so we dont spend all our money on an apt so we can save for a house. Super nice of her! That being said, even living in the same house, theres not a guarantee that we talk daily.
We did Christmas with both families together last year but will do it with only my mom this year and will do Christmas the week before with all his family.
Thanksgiving is still up in the air but will probs do it with his so we can see our nieces.
Easter is with my mom. New Years is with his family.
Definitely takes balance