Judgemental people

Yes, you are not alone.
It is your day and you do what you want, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
There are always going to be people who disagree with you no matter what, unfortunately.

On this forum - cash bar!

Yes. It's how most people are, and many truly don't even realize they are doing it. They want to help and think their vision is "best" for everyone else. I have been extremely closed-mouthed about most of my plans with most of my friends. That way they barely even have the opportunity to tell me how much they hate my ideas, lol.

My family is the worst, so my mother at this point doesn't even know the date or the location.

It is very foolish and inappropriate to give any bride a blanket "do what you want" or "you be you" or "it's your wedding, no one can tell you what to do". Yes, you can choose many elements of your (meaning the two of you ) wedding without regard to other people's opinion. Sometimes you will benefit by being open- minded enough to hear people out when it comes to etiquette issues.

Just the other day we had a Rockstar telling people she was not going to handwrite her thank you notes, but instead was going to send out pre-printed thank you cards. She was not prepared to hear that what she is planning is a major etiquette faux pas. Her thread was closed soon after, an ability most of us don't have.

One helpful idea may be to have some stock responses prepared for when people share their opinions. Sometimes we are taken by surprise and don't know how to respond. " Thanks for the idea. __ and I will take it into consideration when we make our decision".

Then, do what the two of you want AFTER you have taken the time to calmly do some research. If it's not an etiquette issue e.g choosing your menu or decor, do what you want. If it is an etiquette issue, after having done the research, you may change your mind. If, knowing that what you are planning is rude, you still want to do it, "you be you".

Before I came to this site, I had been planning in my head on every etiquette violation known. And I had no idea it was bad. Seriously, a pot-luck, B-listed cash bar wedding with honeyfund. I'm glad I lurked around here and learned about proper hosting before I ever made a single post. I'd probably have never lived it down. So I've not been subjected to judgement on those things.

I have however, had people make comments like "I'd never waste money on a wedding." Also, justifying things (like having a wedding, getting E-pics, buying a dress, etc) as being ok "because it's her first one." Umm. Ok? It's FH's second, but does that matter? It could be my 5th and I'll wear a dress and get a cake if I damn well want to. I just smile at them and mentally cross them off my guest list. It feels good.

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I agree with muriel. (In fairness, I usually do.) My take is this: Don't talk about your wedding, shoot it down if it comes up for discussion, that eliminates the opinions from others.

Per muriel's comment on people giving brides a free pass, so to speak on "You be YOU!" and "It is YOUR DAY!" well that is true if you are going to Hawaii and it is just the two of you. Once you invite just one person, let alone 50 or 100 people, it becomes about THEM and brides and grooms need to remember that. Don't drink? Fine, I don't either but we had a consumption bar. That is thinking of our guests. The goal of a wedding is to make your guests as comfortable as possible, just like if they came to your house for dinner.

So, no, I did not deal with critical comments on my wedding as 1) I rarely discussed it with anyone and 2) I followed basic etiquette rules.

View Quoted Comment I think it's rude to walk into a house of someone you know doesn't drink and expect alcohol though.

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I hear you - however, I want my guests to be comfortable. My hubby drinks and we always offer a cocktail. Do the people we have over expect a drink? Not sure, but they are always offer a beer or some mixed drink.

I've experienced it, both on a forum and in person. It's frustrating. Most of the time my FH and I will discuss what we want or what we're doing, make a joint decision, and stick to our guns about it (our theme, colors, small details like cake topper, linens, etc),but occasionally we'll have a question or concern that we'd like some input on. We're prepare for different opinions, as everyone's tastes are different, but it's the rude, judgemental, way out of line responses that leave us asking "what the...?!".

Now we understand we're not your average bride and groom: I'm a witch whose family leans conservative and FH is an atheist Irishman from a heavily Catholic background (we feel extremely lucky that both of our families absolutely adore the other...we've heard horror stories of this being a major problem in other families). That being said we know that people will have strong opinions, but more often than not we either explain why we're not doing something (not having a bouquet toss) or why we've chosen something else (ceremony is a hand fasting) and leave it at that. But there's a big difference between giving advice and just being nasty or mean-spirited. I've actually had someone say to me that they didn't think they could attend the ceremony because they didn't want to see an innocent animal die but they'd be happy to attend the reception (she actually thought we were going to sacrifice an animal because "well that's what witches do, right?"). Had another person say that our wedding sounded boring because we weren't having a bouquet toss (most of our guests are married), and yet another comment that I was body-shaming my MOH because I was concerned the dress she was considering was extremely revealing (even though I had already stated that she would look fantastic in it otherwise and how happy I was that she was now body confident with herself, I just didn't feel it was appropriate for what it was and wouldn't go with the look we wanted for our wedding...it was very, extremely revealing. And yes,I spoke to my MOH about it, she understood and respected my concerns, and we were able to find a look for her that went with my aesthetic vision while complimenting her figure quite nicely.).

If you're going to offer an opinion or some advice, then by all means do so, but be constructive and respectful. We're all here for the same reason: we're taking part in one of the most important day of our lives. We're all stressed, need to vent occasionally, and are just looking for a little support and understanding with other people going through the same nerve-wracking, stressful, most wonderful experience we could put ourselves through.

So share the love, say something positive/nice, and have a little whiskey on ice. Salute! 😁

View Quoted Comment So you don’t have alcohol in your house. Would you buy it and then charge them for it at your house? That’s what a cash bar is like.

View Quoted Comment Flying to Hawaii alone is exactly what we did! We still got crap, but we’re grown adults and didn’t inconvenience anyone or ask anyone to pay for anything.

View Quoted Comment I do have alcohol for my personal consumption that I drink when my child are gone. My ex is an alcoholic and per a court order it is not allowed to be consumed in their presence.

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A court order is one thing, this is another. As a guest in someone's house I do NOT expect anything, really. If we are invited for dinner I do not expect alcohol. As a HOST, I want to offer it. So we did at our wedding, in the form of a consumption bar.

@OG Gretchen - Hawaii is so gorgeous!

@Crystal - I get what you are saying, I do, let's not allow this thread turn into a cash bar/open bar/hosting "thing." Please.

OP Abby - just do your best, keep in your budget and don't discuss it with anyone except your fiance and perhaps your parents, if they are helping to pay. Best wishes!

@OrangeCrush- We loved Hawaii. It was the perfect choice to elope.

I just stopped letting it bother me. Honestly, if doing things my own way is "rude" than I'm rude. If it bothers someone that I'm rude, they don't have to come. If they want to complain to me about it, then they can be uninvited. (My family is in general not the complaining type and other than them I find most of my guest list flexible.) I don't want to stress about being rude. I have enough things on my plate.

This woman I work with who was married in 1992 and subsequently divorced LOVES to give us (two other women in my office have upcoming weddings) some terrible advice. One gem was to make sure we took pictures with our family but without our husbands so that if we ever got divorced, we would have pics without our “ex” in them. It’s been hard but we ignore her. Some of the other “suggestions” she’s given, I told her I’d be glad to consider if she was willing to pay for it.

View Quoted Comment Blessed Be. I'm Pagan and leaning more toward a DIY wedding and a comfortable casual wedding. A lot of people are judgemental how we won't to things ourself and not hire people to do stuff for us. Then people are being judgmental bc my wedding party has agreed to help with planning and work. We aren't having a traditional wedding. We are having our wedding.

*want to do things
Dumb auto correct

View Quoted Comment I’m a secular and eclectic. I’m happy to see a few fellow witches on this forum. I’m considering a handfasting at my ceremony but a little nervous about my religious family members.

View Quoted Comment My parents are deceased. Just my FH & I paying for everything. Makes everything put on a limited budget. Trying a lot of DIY.